


Rear Window

by WhiteSnowFox



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Basically my contribution to all the other bashing based fics out there., Canon Divergent, Dillusions, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Instability, Movie Adaptation, Murder, Out of Character (Brian and Justin), With hopefully some unique plot., post-bashing, the works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-05-28 17:45:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 68,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6339070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteSnowFox/pseuds/WhiteSnowFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Chris Hobbs attacked him, Justin locked himself away in Brian's loft.  He's so afraid that someone will finish what Hobbs began that he's unwilling to let anyone in to see him and constantly paranoid that death is waiting for him around every corner.  While Brian is desperate to make him better, he encourages Justin to pick up a hobby.  Little do they know is that Justin's new hobby could mean life or death for both of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, here we go! Another story! This one is based off of Alfred Hitchcock's 'Rear Window' but will mostly focus on Justin's path of recovery from the bashing. Hopefully you all enjoy it! And of course, I don't own anything having to do with these characters. Unfortunately.

“It’s disgusting! It’s immoral!”

The smack didn’t hurt. Not really.

“You’re going to burn in hell! I won’t allow your perverted ways to taint the spirit in this house!”

The punch hurt a bit more. But his father was stronger than his mother. He knew it would.

He still took it standing though. He was who he was. Nothing they said was going to change that.

“I’ll beat it out of you if I have to. By the time I’m done with you, you won’t ever want to look at a man much less touch one.”

After that, all he knew was pain.

* * *

Brian hovered at the base of the stairs, unable to work up the strength to walk up them to his loft. His shoulders were slumped, his suit jacket slung over his arm, and his tie loosened around his neck.  He looked at the steps with a haggard expression, his face drawn and exhausted.  He sighed heavily as he leaned against the wall.

He’d had a terrible day at work; not only did he fail at getting a prospective client, but he also managed to lose one – a first since he started at Ryder’s agency. He’d been reamed out by Ryder and barely finished out the day without deciding to just step out into traffic.  It would have been so easy and solved all of his problems too. But there were people relying on him and one of them was waiting for him at his loft; which, ironically enough, was why he didn’t want to go upstairs.

He didn’t know what would be waiting for him and he honestly couldn’t deal with one more thing going wrong today. He didn’t want Justin to be the one to take the brunt of his disappointment when he hadn’t done anything wrong.  But if he had to walk into the loft one more time while Justin was in the middle of a breakdown he didn’t think he’d be able to handle it.

Justin had been staying with him for the past two weeks, since his mother became unable to help him through his multiple mental conditions. Brian had been briefed on it all by one of the nurses while Justin was still in the hospital. 

Chronic agoraphobia. Post-traumatic stress disorder.  Acute paranoia.  Severe depression. Not to mention all of the problems with his hand. 

Brian thought that they had diagnosed Justin with so many disorders that he should be in a mental institution, not with him. And for some reason all of Justin’s doctors, even his own mother, seemed to think he was the only one able to help him.  Brian thought they were all out of their minds, but it was his fault Justin was like this in the first place, so it was his responsibility to try and fix it.

He carefully braved the first step and it became easier to take another and another. As he ascended the staircase he debated on whether or not he should try to urge Justin out of the loft again.  He had no inclination to leave for the night, but he also knew that Justin hadn’t been outside in weeks.  In the end, he supposed it depended on what exactly he walked in on.  It would be pointless asking if Justin was in mid-meltdown.

He finally made it to the top of the stairs and lingered outside the door, listening. Typically when Justin was having an episode he was able to hear it from the bottom floor.  However, there had been times when he’d been surprised with a flying plate that crashed right next to him as he walked in.  He didn’t want to relive that.  He listened carefully and then unlocked the door and slid inside. He still heard nothing so he let relief fill him and breathed calmly.  _‘Thank god.’_  He thought, amazed at how much better he felt just knowing he wouldn’t have to deal with one of Justin’s episodes.

He shut and locked the door, re-set the alarm, and then turned to survey the loft. He wasn’t surprised at all to find Justin standing at the window staring at the street down below. He looked happy, and content.  Brian didn’t want to upset him by suggesting to go outside, but the thought lingered in his head nonetheless.  When Justin was in a decent mood was the only time he could suggest it.

Justin tore himself away from the window quickly, however, and smiled at Brian. It was reserved, but he knew it was the most the boy could muster now.  He doubted he’d ever see that ‘Sunshine’ smile again…

Suddenly Justin’s arms were wrapped around him tightly and Brian put his arms around Justin’s waist to hold him close. Justin was always happy to see him when he came home and he had to admit that the enthusiastic welcomes he often received helped convince him why this wasn’t a bad idea.  He smiled as he felt soft kisses on his neck and bent to capture Justin’s lips with a deep kiss. A little more of his stress melted away and he couldn’t believe how easily Justin affected him. Justin’s soft lips were pressed hard against his and he gently slipped his tongue into the willing mouth. It was so familiar and welcoming.

Justin hadn’t been able to do anything other than kissing and heavy petting and yet Brian was alright with it. He knew with Justin’s plethora of disorders that intimacy was going to be one of the last things he worked on. So, he’d go slowly – he had other means of getting his needs met.

When Justin was breathless he pulled back and watched Justin’s lips roll into his mouth with pleasure. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were slightly glassy. Considering it a job well done, Brian let his hands fall away from him and then gently patted Justin’s side to get him moving. “Looks like you’ve had a good day.” He commented, masking his relief with interest.

“It was ok. There was an accident on the street earlier.” Justin reported as he stepped back towards the window. “No one got hurt. Just a fender bender. But they didn’t move for like two hours.” He spoke somewhat distantly and then looked down from the window again.

Brian watched him as he moved to the kitchen and pulled out the take-out menus. “What do you want for dinner tonight? Chinese? Thai? Mexican?” Brian asked, slapping each menu down on the counter as he rifled through them.

“I don’t care.” Justin shrugged, not taking his eyes from the window. Brian could see his breath fogging the glass and sighed.

“If you get any closer you’re going to bump your forehead.” He warned but Justin just waved him off and continued looking through the glass. Brian continued perusing the menus until he pulled out one for sushi and flipped it open when he heard a small bump on the glass. He withheld a chuckle. “Told you…” He whispered but Justin’s scoff let him know the boy heard him.

“What kind of rolls do you want?” He asked as he moved his fingers down the list as he picked some out.

“I can’t have any with the spicy sauce.” Was all Justin said and Brian rolled his eyes as he reached for the phone.

“I know – it has peanuts in it. I asked which ones you wanted.” Brian repeated, withholding annoyance. Justin was doing that more and more often lately; instead of telling him what he wanted, he refused to make any decisions by pointing out what he couldn’t have. Brian suspected it was because he was afraid of causing trouble.  Justin simply set forth some stipulations and left the ultimate decision to Brian.

“Which ones are there?” Justin asked without looking away from the window.

Brian sighed, heavily put upon, and took the menu over to him. He held it out to him which is when he got a good look at the coffee table and saw all of Justin’s hand exercises – untouched from when they did them in the morning. He frowned and walked over to pick up the small foam ball Justin was supposed to squeeze as part of his exercises. It was part of a set intended to help slowly build up his hand strength. Justin would start with the foam ball and slowly work his way up to a heavy metal ball that was larger than all the others. Brian knew it would be some time before they even touched it. The set lay next to the hand brace Justin was supposed to wear after each exercise to keep his hand from cramping.

He walked back to Justin and held out the ball. “Did you not do your therapy tonight?” He asked and Justin shook his head as his eyes remained on the takeout menu.

“No. I want the Spider roll and the Salmon roll.” Justin said simply as he held it back out to him. Brian snapped it away and then took Justin’s injured hand out of his pocket and put the ball into it. “Ow…hey…” Justin grumbled and then moved the ball to his other hand.

“Don’t.” Brian warned firmly. “Do the fucking therapy, Justin.” He used his ‘no nonsense’ voice which generally got Justin to do whatever he wanted. He saw the resignation on Justin’s face and the boy went to the couch and sat down. Brian nodded as he watched him start his warm-up stretches and then placed their order.

When he finished and put the phone back on the stand, he walked to Justin and sat next to him on the couch. He casually leaned back and wrapped an arm behind Justin, along the top of the couch. “You’re supposed to do them three times a day.” He reminded and watched Justin’s shoulder’s slump.

“They’re hard to do on my own.” Justin defended weakly and Brian could see that he was struggling with getting his hand to stretch as much as it needed to in order to roll the ball up and down his leg. The ball was only a warm up as well, there were harder, more complicated exercises Justin needed to do as part of his physical therapy.

“Well if you don’t do them they’ll only get harder.” Brian said, nevertheless, he scooted closer to him and took a hold of Justin’s hand in both of his to help hold it open. He massaged the top with his thumbs as Justin moved it up and down.

They were both silent until the food came. That was when Brian stopped helping him and went to go open the door. He waited before opening it, however, because Justin needed to be in the bedroom before he opened the door for someone; most often though Brian would find him locked in the bathroom. He quickly paid the man, then shut and locked the door.

“Coast is clear, Sunshine!” He called out as he put the bagged food on the counter and began taking out the boxes of sushi.

“The door is locked?” Justin’s voice was muffled by the bathroom door – just as he suspected.

“Yeah, get your ass out here!” He shouted back with a sad shake of his head. Brian popped open Justin’s box for him because he knew that the boy would struggle with it with his hand, and then held it out as Justin emerged from the bathroom.

Even after Justin took the food at sat at the bar Brian kept his gaze on him intently.  _‘He’s getting worse, not better.’_  Brian thought sadly, and finally lowered his gaze to his food. Justin’s hand was pressed back in his pocket and he ate solely with his left. “I’m going out to Woody’s tonight.” He announced suddenly and Justin stilled and then turned to him. “Why don’t you come with me?”

He knew Justin was going to say no. He had to ask anyways.

There was an immediate flinch and Justin’s head jerked back and forth awkwardly; the very idea of going outside made him so anxious and frightened that his body seemed to lose control of itself. “N-no…” Justin said, shutting his eyes tightly.

“Okay. Okay okay okay.” Brian relented quickly, unable to handle the fear that was emanating from the boy. He stepped forward and took Justin into his arms, stilling his shaking head with a soft hand to the back of his neck. “It’s okay, calm down.” He urged and held him firmly as he continued to quiver in his arms. “You don’t have to go out until you’re ready. Not until you’re ready.” He promised and placed a soft kiss on the top of Justin’s head.  He would say just about anything to stop Justin from having a meltdown.

Slowly, the shaking came to a stop and Brian loosened his hold. He moved his hands up to cup Justin’s face in his hand and wiped the tears away. “Okay?” He asked and Justin gave a weak nod. “Good.” He let his hands fall and then took a step away.

He felt guilty for leaving; he didn’t want to leave Justin home alone in the state he was in. He also didn’t want to leave after the shitty day he’d had. However, far more than that, he wanted to give Justin a reason to get better. So, he’d leave him alone and hopefully in time Justin will get sick of being left behind and want to venture out. Besides, just a few months earlier Justin made it his goal in life to be wherever he was.  Hopefully Justin would get that determination back.  It may not be a professional approach, but it was the only one he had.

“So, I’ll be back in a few hours. You’ll be alright here by yourself, won’t you?” He asked as he stepped away and grabbed his coat from the chair he’d thrown it on.

“Yes.” Justin answered simply, his voice quieter than usual. Brian suspected that he was still recovering, so didn’t think much of it.

“Alright. Later, Sunshine.” He gave a half wave and then left the loft. He waited just outside the door until he heard the door lock with a click. He nodded once, sighed, and then walked back down to meet guys.

* * *

Justin didn’t hesitate to lock the door as soon as Brian left. He had practically bolted for it once it slid closed. He leaned against the cold metal for a few minutes and kept his eyes closed, listening for anyone that might have slipped inside the building when Brian had left.

After he was certain no one was coming up the stairs, he moved to the window and looked down. He pressed his hands against the window sill and looked down the street. He smiled weakly as he saw the jeep drive down the street and away from the building towards Liberty.  His smile faded once Brian was gone and then he slumped a bit as his gaze shifted to the people walking up and down the street. He knew Brian was constantly thinking of ways to get him to leave, but the very thought of stepping outside of the loft petrified him in a way he couldn’t even describe. It just seemed like an impossible feat – it was too dangerous out there. He didn’t want to be attacked again…

He just couldn’t leave – He couldn’t.

It wasn’t safe…

Not safe…

Not safe.

 


	2. Chapter 2

He threw a few things in a backpack and left. He didn’t take much. Just some clothes, whatever money he had stashed away, and a picture of his younger brother.

He walked to the bus station. It was pretty far and his body was sore from the beating he’d received, but he really didn’t care all that much. He just wanted to get away. He would have left even if they hadn’t kicked him out. He didn’t want to be in that house anymore; with people who hated him just because of who he loved.

When he got to the station there was only one bus due to leave, thanks to the late hour. So he didn’t have a choice of where he was going. Pittsburgh sounded nice enough, anyways.  It was a big city and he was sure that he’d be able to find his own way there.

He used all of his money to book the ticket and then fell asleep waiting for it to arrive. When he finally got on he looked out the window and watched his hometown get further and further away. But then he looked forward. He was moving on to a new life.

* * *

Since it was a weeknight, Brian was able to find a parking spot close to Woody’s and didn’t have to walk very far to get inside.  He had his hands in his jacket pocket; he always wore it even on summer evenings because it looked too damn good not to.  Besides, the appreciative glances he got as soon as he walked inside were worth the extra heat.

He smirked a bit, already returning the gazes of some prospective tricks.  He’d have to fit in as many as he could.  With Justin the way he was he couldn’t bring tricks back to the loft so all of it had to be done during the short amount of time he got out.  There were only a few acceptable men at the bar though, and two of them he’d already had.  He decided that, given the circumstances, he’d break his usual ‘one time only’ policy in order to get his needs met.  Besides, it should make their evening getting a second go with Brian Kinney.

Before he dealt with any of that, though, he strode confidently to the bar and got a beer.  He then turned and easily found his friends at a table near the pool tables.  He walked over to them, grabbed an empty chair from a table nearby, and sat down between Emmett and Michael.

“Hey!  He does exist!”  Emmett teased as they all patted him on the back in welcome.

Brian rolled his eyes as he took a long swig of the beer.  “Ha.  Ha.”  He mocked and slouched in the seat.  “You know it’s not easy getting out.”  He muttered, not wanting to be mocked for taking Justin’s mental health seriously –if they saw Justin they’d understand.  

“Not with Rapunzel locked away in the tower.”  Ted joked and chuckled until he saw Brian’s face was anything but amused.  He quickly grew silent and looked down at his beer trying to appear invisible.

“Let’s talk about something else.”  Michael suggested, picking up on Brian’s mood.

“Talk about whatever the fuck you want.”  Brian insisted as one of the men he had checked out earlier brushed a hand on his shoulder as he walked by to the bathrooms.  “I’m only here for the men.”  He finished and set his beer on the table to walk after the trick.

* * *

The table was quiet for a moment after Brian’s departure, but Michael kept his gaze towards the bathroom where Brian disappeared.  He frowned and then glanced to the other two.  “I take it things aren’t going well?”  He asked and received sad sigh from both Emmett and Ted.

“Justin hasn’t left the loft since he got there a few weeks ago.”  Emmett informed.  “Not only that, but he can’t handle anyone visiting, not even his mother.  Brian’s literally the only person he’s seen in weeks and I don’t think Brian knows how to help him.”  Emmett explained, and Michael appreciated it because even though he’d been back from Portland for a couple of weeks, he hadn’t received any information on the state of Justin’s recovery other than he was alive and living with Brian.

Michael frowned sympathetically and looked back to the bathroom again.  Partly because he hoped through some cosmic best friend magic Brian might be able to feel that he was sorry, and partly because he didn’t want Brian to catch them gossiping.   “Is Justin really that bad?”  He asked, his voice sad.

Emmett and Ted exchanged a glance and then Ted leaned forward, his hands cupping his beer.  “From what Brian said it’s pretty terrible.  The bat messed up a lot of his motor functions like his right hand.  But he said what’s worse is Justin’s disorders that popped up after the attack.  He’s got enough of them to merit a straight-jacket the way Brian talks.”  Ted explained and gave a sad smile.  “It’s too bad.  He was a good kid.”

“Is.”  Emmett corrected swiftly and Ted nodded jerkily.

“Right.  Of course.  I just meant-.”

“Guys.”  Michael cut them both off swiftly when he saw Brian coming back out of the bathroom.  They all stilled and sat up straight, failing desperately at trying to appear normal.  Brian eyed them all suspiciously as he sat back down and took a long drink.

“Spit it out.”  He said when he lowered the bottle again.

“Spit what out?”  Michael asked with a poor attempt at innocence and stood, grabbing Brian’s arm.  “Let’s play some pool.  Guys?”  He asked and they all stood swiftly without a moment of hesitation.  Michael saw the apprehensive look on Brian’s face, but his best friend didn’t say anything and moved over with them.

While they played Brian continued to take tricks into the bathroom, more so than usual as far as Michael was concerned, but he was gone over a month and a lot had happened.  He was probably trying to burn off some steam.  What was most troubling, though, was Michael counted his drinks – both of them.  Brian only drank two beers.  Granted, it was a weeknight, but Michael knew it wasn’t uncommon for Brian to knock back shots on a Wednesday night.

The only explanation he could think of was Justin.  Whatever was really going on in the loft, it was bad.  He’d known Justin long enough to know the kid was a tenacious, determined, little fucker; it would have to be bad to stop him from living his life.  From Brian’s attitude he could only imagine…

Around ten o’clock Brian said he had to leave and they all said goodbye.  When he left the bar though, Michael sighed and ran after him.  He caught up to him quickly and grabbed his arm.  “Hey.  Bit early, isn’t it?”

“Gotta get home.  Justin’s been home alone all day and he doesn’t do well on his own.”  Brian explained, forcing a tight smile that Michael knew was fake.

“He sounds like a dog.”  Michael teased and Brian scoffed and smiled a bit.

“A dog is less hassle than that kid.”  Brian muttered as he pulled his keys out of his pocket and began unlocking his car.

“He’s pretty messed up then?”  Michael asked carefully and watched the stiffening of Brian’s shoulders.

“I’m handling it.”  Brian insisted and jerked the jeep’s door open so quickly Michael had to step back.

“Are you?”  Michael asked and put a hand on Brian’s shoulder.  “I mean…What if you’re not what Justin needs right now?  If he’s as messed up as everyone says-.”

“ _Stop_  saying ‘messed up’.”  Brian demanded stiffly and Michael flashed him an apologetic look.  “He isn’t ‘messed up’.”  Brian mocked Michael’s choice of words by waving his hands back and forth once.  “He’s sick, and he’ll get better.”

“I know he will but…what if being with you isn’t going help him?  I’m not saying you don’t care – we all know you do - but it’s a huge responsibility and if he isn’t getting better-.” 

“Michael.”  Brian warned and Michael immediately stopped talking, knowing he’d hit a sensitive spot.  “You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.”  Brian continued, not turning to look at Michael.  In fact, he got into his car and shut the door, but he rolled down the window.  “I don’t know if this is good for Justin. I’m trying. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.  But he needs me, Michael.”  Brian looked right into his eyes and he saw something he’d never seen in Brian before; he only wished he knew what it was.  “He needs me.”  Brian repeated before driving away.

Michael watched sadly. “Good luck.” He said softly and gave a small wave to the departing jeep.

* * *

Brian dragged his feet as he got back to the loft.  He wished he had drank more, especially after his terrible day, but he needed a clear head to deal with Justin which meant he couldn't get drunk.  He also wanted to have fucked more because those four tricks he pulled would have to last until the next time he got out, and he had no idea when that would be. He just wanted to get in, go to bed, and start a new day. This one had been for shit.

He wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep this up; it had only been a few weeks and already he felt like he was at his end. Despite Justin often lifting his spirits it never lasted long before he freaked out over something and he’d quickly be reminded that the boy was not healthy.

He scoffed when he thought of Michael’s choice of words. ‘Messed up’.  _‘Yeah, the kid is messed up alright…’_  Brian thought, though he still didn’t like Justin being described that way. Michael hadn’t even seen him but was already writing him off. “Not like he ever liked him to begin with.” He spoke that part aloud in a mutter.

The way Michael treated Justin hadn’t ever registered to him before; he’d never cared all that much. Justin was tougher than nails and could handle Michael’s petty jealousy. But now, the way Michael spoke about him earlier bothered him greatly, and it wasn’t even malicious. Yes, Justin was struggling, but he didn’t want people to think of him differently. Justin would get better and things would go back to normal.

They had to.

He finally made it to the top and let himself into the loft for the second time that night. Immediately he looked around for Justin, not at all surprised to find the boy passed out on the chaise by the window. He frowned sympathetically and closed everything up behind him.

 _‘At least he’s got the window.’_  Brian thought sympathetically, frowning at the window as if it was the cause of all of their problems.

He walked across the loft and knelt by the chaise as he put a hand on Justin’s shoulder. He shook it gently. “Justin.” He spoke quietly so Justin would know it was him and not someone else. “Get up, get to bed.” He urged and Justin drowsily nodded and began struggling to stand from the chaise.

Brian stood and steadied him, then kept an arm wrapped around his shoulder to help direct him to the bed. Justin probably wouldn’t even open his eyes and it was up to Brian to get him to bed safely.

“You’ve fun atwody’s?” Justin asked in a slurred and drowsy voice. Brian withheld a chuckle, but nodded.

“Yeah it was alright.” He answered, mostly just glad he was able to get in a few fucks – he needed them. He tugged Justin up the stairs so the boy didn’t trip.

“Te’Emmett there?” He asked and this time Brian did laugh a bit.

“Yeah, Ted and Emmett were both there.” He answered, amused with Justin’s conversation. “Michael too.” He added offhand.

“He still here? What about Portland?” Brian knew he had to get Justin in bed soon as he was beginning to really wake up and Brian didn’t want to be up for a few more hours trying to help entertain the boy.

“I don’t think he’s going back. He hasn’t said anything about it but I think things with the good doctor ended.” Brian didn’t hide the joy he felt at knowing he’d been right about their relationship. David was bad for Michael.  He liked his best friend just the way he was, without the holier-than-thou mentality David instilled in him.

“Nn…Good. Didn’t like that guy.” Justin muttered before literally crawling into the bed and curling up against the pillow like a cat. “My head hurts…” Justin added, but he was getting that sleepy wistfulness to his voice again so Brian wasn’t concerned. If it was one of his migraines he knew Justin wouldn’t be tired at all. He hovered close by until Justin stilled and went back to sleep.

Brian let out a long sigh and then ran a hand through his hair as he slumped his body over from exhaustion. He let his gaze settle on Justin and he felt something tug at his heart. He wanted what was best for Justin.  He always had, if he was being honest with himself.  He felt a strange responsibility for him since their first night together and it had grown stronger each passing day.  He just wished he knew what to do.  He was walking through a minefield blindly, and sooner or later he knew he was going to set one off.

He took a quick shower to get all of the tricks off of him, and then slid into the bed with Justin. He tried to calm down, but he knew the nightmares were coming and he couldn’t seem to relax.

He couldn’t help but remind himself that this is what he signed up for.  _‘This is your life now, Kinney.’_

* * *

There isn’t anything like being woken from sleep by a punch to the side.  Brian grunted and jerked to the side, instantly awake.  He sat up and saw Justin fighting desperately on his side of the bed.  He ducked another flying fist and took a moment to collect himself before braving the flinging limbs to wake Justin up.  He was surprised he didn’t wake up earlier, as Justin was anything but quiet and the bed was shaking due to his violent movements.

“Justin.”  He called loudly, grabbing one of Justin’s wrists as it went towards his middle.  He held on tightly and then skillfully grabbed the other as well.  Justin continued to struggle, even more so now that he was partially constrained, and didn’t wake yet.  “Justin.”  He called louder, straddling over his hips to stop his legs from flailing as well.  He had to press himself down hard because the last thing he wanted was a knee to his dick.  “Wake up!”  He called loudly.  “It’s a nightmare.  It’s not real!”

With the rest of his body immobilized, the only thing Justin could flail was his head, and it tossed and turned frantically.  Whimpers escaped from his lips, and were only interrupted by screams and howls of protestation.  “God!  Justin!  Wake up!”  He shouted as loudly as he could and was filled with relief when Justin opened his eyes.

“Leave me alone!  Get away from me!”  Justin shouted, resuming his fighting, apparently not aware of where he was or who was with him.

“Shhhh...Sunshine.  Look at me.  It’s Brian.  Okay?  You’re safe.  It’s just me.”  He tried to reason, but Justin was still shaking his head back and forth and trying to fight him off.

“No!  Help!  Help me!”  Justin screamed so loudly that Brian’s ears actually hurt.  He could tell it was rough too as Justin’s voice got hoarse as he cried out.

“Justin look at me.”  He risked letting go of one hand to grab Justin’s chin and force him to look up.  He was rewarded with a few punched to his side and face, but it was hardly the first time he’d been beaten and he knew Justin didn’t know where he was.  “It’s me.”  Justin finally looked into his eyes and started calming down.  “That’s it…That’s my boy.”  Brian whispered, relief filling him.  Justin was panting and still struggling against Brian’s hold, but after a few seconds he relented and laid back on the bed.

“Brian?”  Justin croaked out, flinching when he spoke as his throat must have hurt.

“Yeah.”  He said gently, nodding a little to make sure Justin stayed here with him.  “Hey, look at me.”

Justin’s eyes began searching wildly.  “He was here.  Hobbs!  He…He was right here.”  Justin sat up and Brian moved back to let him.  He pointed over to the side of the bed and stared at it.

“No one is here but me.  Justin, it was only a nightmare.  It wasn’t real.”  He assured, putting a hand on Justin’s shoulder to try and turn him away.  “Come here.  Look at me.”  He repeated and had to forcibly, albeit gently, turn Justin back to him.  “You’re safe here.  You know that.”  Brian stilled Justin and forced a smile to try and help calm him.  “No one’s getting in.  The door’s made of metal.”  He reminded and thankfully Justin began nodding.

“Right.  A nightmare…It was a nightmare?”  He asked hesitantly and Brian nodded back.

“That’s all.”  He promised and then slowly pushed Justin back onto the bed.  “Lay down.  Try to relax.  Hobbs isn’t here.”

Justin followed his directions and laid back on the bed, closing his eyes.  Sleep was a long time coming, but the screaming and fighting was over.  Seconds later Justin squirmed over into his arms and Brian held him as close as he could.  Justin hung onto him so tightly it felt like his ribs might break, but he didn’t tell him to back off.  It was what Justin needed, so he would provide it.

When Justin finally went back to sleep Brian was able to relax.  It was nearly four in the morning, and he could probably squeeze in a few hours before he had to wake for work, but he wasn’t sure he could fall asleep no matter how hard he tried.

His face and body hurt where Justin had hit him, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the worry running through his mind.  Somehow they would have to get through this.  He just didn’t know how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. Bi-weekly updates it is. I really hope you guys are enjoying this. Let me know. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be uploaded on Friday, so I'm sorry it's late. My internet pooped out. However, I'm still going to keep on schedule. As always, let me know what you think. Enjoy!

He found a place to stay near the edge of the city. There were a lot of abandoned warehouses from shut down steel mills and he found a bunch of hustlers living in one that didn’t seem to care if he joined in. They didn’t exactly welcome him with open arms, but they didn’t try to steal from him and didn’t kick him out. Some even taught him a few tricks of the trade.

He didn’t want to hustle, but he was only sixteen and he didn’t know what else to do to make money. So he listened closely and hit the streets soon after arriving. He lost his virginity to a large man who smelled of sweat and had coffee breath. Ultimately he was glad it happened that way; it allowed him to let go of any romantic notions he had in one fell swoop.

However, just because he was stuck hustling for now didn’t mean much. He had big plans. He wasn’t going to let his parents fuck up his life for him. He’d save up. He’d get his own apartment.  And when he had a real address he could get a real job. He already had a fake ID, so he wouldn’t even have to wait until he was eighteen.

He’d show his parents that even though he was gay didn’t mean they could keep him down. He’d make them all jealous and they’d come crawling to him, begging for forgiveness.

At least, that was what he told himself every night before going to sleep.

* * *

“No, I know. I told you I’m on my way!” Melanie snapped into the phone as she skirted around Lindsey, who was desperately trying to keep Gus cheerful while the boy was on the brink of a fit. Melanie was carrying some stray clothes in her hands and cradling the phone to her ear with her shoulder. She threw the clothes into the bag and then grabbed the phone intently. “Well then just do it!”

“Melanie, keep your voice down.” Lindsey tried to caution as she bounced Gus up and down in her arms. Melanie waved a bit to motion that she’d heard and then focused back on the phone.

“Ok just…I’ll be there as soon as I can.” She insisted before angrily hanging up and throwing the phone onto the couch. Lindsey flinched a little and turned Gus away in case it bounced back and flew at them.

“What’s going on?” Lindsey asked apprehensively. Wishing she knew why Melanie seemed to be packing for the both of them.

“My mom had a stroke. She’s at the hospital…It’s not looking good.” Melanie said simply as she grabbed more clothes out of a hamper and threw them into the suitcase.  It was obvious she was worried, Lindsey could see her brow folded together in the middle and she was shaking lightly as she moved around.

“Ok but what about Gus?” Lindsey asked slowly. “We can’t just bring him with us.  We’ll be at the hospital the entire time and he can’t-.”

“I know! God! Just…” Melanie paused just long enough to pull at her hair in frustration.

“Debbie is working all day.” Lindsey reminded and then shifted her weight to her other hip. “Maybe…” She started and then cut herself off as she shook her head.

“What?” Melanie demanded as she started moving again.

“Well, we could call Brian…But…Justin…” She trailed off weakly and Melanie sighed and nodded slowly.

“Well, call him. I want to get to the hospital as soon as we can and we have to drive all the way to Florida.” Melanie insisted and took Gus from Lindsey so she could call Brian.

* * *

Brian paused from typing long enough to raise his hand to his mouth and yawn. Justin’s nightmares last night were some of the worst there’d been; there was only two of them, but they hit hard. The first wasn’t so bad; Brian was able to calm the boy down in a few minutes and get them both back to sleep. The second, however, kept them both awake for several hours. By the time Justin had fallen back asleep it was nearly time for Brian to get up for work anyways, so he’d simply turned off the alarm and got an early start to the day.

He was exhausted, but he’d had nights with little sleep before. They’d only been filled with drugs, alcohol and a lot of anonymous sex. Oddly enough, they were less draining than Justin’s nightmares.

He briskly shook his head, trying to shake the exhaustion from his body, and blearily looked at the screen once more. For the life of him he couldn’t remember what he was working on. “Fuck.” He muttered once before he scrolled up to the top and started reading all over again.

It started coming back to him, so he was able to scroll through most of the contract, but by the time he got back to where he left off, the phone rang. He scowled and glared at it. “I swear to God, Justin, if this is you I’m hanging up.” He murmured angrily before he picked up the phone.

He wouldn’t hang up if it was Justin. But it felt good to say.

He reached out and picked up the phone slowly. “Kinney.” He answered brusquely, hoping it was a customer.

“Brian! Thank god I caught you. Melanie’s mom is in the hospital and we have to leave but we can’t take Gus because it’s a hospital and he’d just be squirming and he’s already upset and-.”

“Lindsey, slow the fuck down. What?” Brian asked as he rubbed the bridge of his nose with his hand.

“Melanie’s mom is in the hospital.” Lindsey repeated slowly, and now that she had calmed down a bit Brian could hear chaos on the other line of the phone. His son was screaming, Melanie was shouting, and Lindsey sounded like she was at her wits end. “We can’t bring Gus with us because we’re going to be at the hospital the entire time and it just isn’t a good place for an infant. Debbie can’t watch him because she’s working.”

Brian suddenly frowned and looked around his office. “So am I.” He reminded and Lindsey sighed heavily.

“I know but…Brian we’re in a bind. Can’t you take off for a few days?” She pleaded and Brian hated that tone because it made him want to give in. Lindsey was a dear friend, he wanted to help her whenever he could.

“I would if I could, Lindsey. But where would I keep him? Justin isn’t…” He paused because he was about to say the word ‘right’, but that would imply something was ‘wrong’ and he refused to say that out loud. Before he could think of something else to say, Lindsey spoke again.

“Maybe it would be good for Justin. He’s been cooped up with only you for company and Gus is just a baby, it’s not like he’s going to hurt him.  And you know how much Justin loves him.”

Lindsey was ranting again and Brian sighed. He knew Justin loved Gus – Justin used to spend more time with the kid than he did. But that was before, and this is now.  _‘Maybe she’s right. You know he isn’t getting better. Maybe Gus is a safe way to get him used to other people again. It’s not like he can be afraid of him. The kid can barely even walk.’_  Brian thought, but in the back of his mind he couldn’t help but think what a terrible idea this was.

He took a deep breath; he had to take a chance that this would help him. “Ok. Just…give me some time to try and talk to him, okay? Come over in half an hour but call me before you come inside.” Brian informed and Lindsey happily agreed.

Brian hung up, paged Cynthia and began collecting his things. As soon as his assistant walked in she knew immediately he was leaving for the day. “Justin again?” She asked.

Brian nodded once and threw his things in a briefcase. “I’ll be working from home, if I can. Tell Ryder.”

“You think he’ll be mad?” She asked and Brian shrugged as he brushed passed her.

“I don’t care. I’m already gone.” He forwent the elevator and jogged down the stairs to his jeep, wondering how he was going to pitch this to Justin.

* * *

Justin was craning his head trying to see down the street better, and wishing the window was tilted so it was an easier process. He couldn’t even count the number of times he’d bumped his head on the glass trying to get a better view. Brian warned him about it constantly, but he still managed to do it several times a day.

He had his good hand pressed against the glass while his bad one was jammed into his pocket and forgotten about. It was easy to forget about, seeing as it was so worthless. It still ached from his morning exercises, which he did despite Brian not being there to force him. However, he was used to the dull pain and it didn’t even register to him anymore. It was just another aspect of his new life that he was growing accustomed to.

And honestly, he liked those parts. He liked the monotony and the predictability of his new life. Sure, he didn’t get to do much, but at least he knew he’d always be safe. Outside, there were too many variables to keep track of. There were so many people who could do anything to him at any time. It was impossible to watch everything going on around him. The only way to stay safe was to stay inside the loft.

It was the only way to stay alive.

Although, if he were being honest with himself, there were times he wished Hobbs had simply finished the job. It would make things easier on everyone; himself, his friends, Brian. He knew Brian’s entire life had been screwed up after he moved in with him. He disrupted everything and basically put a halt to all of the things Brian liked most. He knew that it wouldn’t be long before Brian got sick of it – and then he could only wonder what would happen to him.

They might put him in an institute. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Justin had already thought about what it would be like in one in preparation for when he was sent away. There’d be schedules and monotony – just like now. There’d be people, but they could probably limit the ones he saw. He’d get used to it eventually.

Brian might even come see him a few times. But then he’d get busy with his old life back and Justin would be forgotten. He was alright with that, too. He wanted Brian to be happy and he knew that as long as he was around that wasn’t going to happen.

He’d thought about solving the problem himself a few times. He was alone all day and it’d be easy to do it before Brian got back. But he didn’t want Brian to have to walk in and see it. He didn’t want to cause him any more problems. So, he’d carry on until another solution presented itself.

For now, he’d keep busy by watching the street and the building across the way.

He stiffened and jerked around when he heard someone at the door. His brow furrowed and he prepared to run into the bathroom, knowing that Brian wasn’t due home from work for hours to come. He tensed, prepared, and almost bolted for the bedroom until he saw Brian’s briefcase enter the loft, followed by the man himself.

Relief filled him and forced a small smile. “You scared me.” He said honestly and watched Brian pause and then slid the large door shut.

“Sorry.” Was all he was given, but Justin shrugged.

“You’re not supposed to be back until tonight.” He pointed out as he walked away from the window and to the man. He watched Brian set his briefcase on his desk and took off his suit jacket. He was acting like he was home for the day, so Justin smiled – it was a nice surprise, even if it disrupted his treasured routine.

“Decided to head home early. I didn’t have much to do.” Brian was lying to him, and Justin could tell, but he didn’t care. Whatever brought Brian home didn’t really matter to him. It was out there; a whole other world as far as he was concerned. He nodded a few times and then went and embraced him.

With Brian being the only person he ever saw, all of his need for physical contact had to come from him. And, despite being bashed in the head and terrified of almost everything, he still needed to be touched. He had been an artist, a very tactile person, and he refused to let what happened to him make him too afraid to feel Brian. Sure, there were limits to what kind of touching he could do now, but he didn’t feel as safe anywhere else as he felt in Brian’s arms.  Brian always held him back, even when it was the middle of the night and there were tears streaming down his face.

He felt a kiss on the top of his head, which was usually the sign that Brian was done holding him for the time being. Justin let go and stepped back with a calm smile.

“Anything interesting happen today?” Brian asked as he began undoing his tie. Justin could still sense apprehension from the man, and he worriedly looked to his hand exercises.

“It isn’t noon yet, I’m not supposed to do them again for another few hours.  And I did them this morning.  I promise!” Justin immediately said with distress evident in his voice.  He was hushed with a hand on his shoulder.

“I know. I meant out there.” Brian pointed to the window and Justin physically relaxed.  He didn’t want to disappoint Brian, ever.  If he disappointed him any more than he already had, he was likely to lose him forever.

“Oh. Yeah, kind of. You know the apartment straight across? The one with the family with way too many kids?” Justin waited until Brian nodded. “They’re moving out.” He said and Brian scoffed a bit.

“Probably bought a little house in the suburbs, with a white picket fence.” He muttered and Justin led him to the window to point out exactly what he was talking about. Brian followed willingly and looked out the window with him.

“Yeah…” Just responded distantly and looked up at Brian again. It was a few seconds before Brian looked back at him, but he did and then he smiled. Justin smiled back because it was Brian and Brian made him happy. But then Brian’s smile faded and Justin’s stomach turned into a rock because that apprehension was back.

“Speaking of kids…” He started slowly and Justin tilted his head a bit to motion him to continue. “I was thinking about Gus earlier.”

Justin knew this was going somewhere. He just couldn’t imagine where.

“I was thinking about…how much you liked babysitting him. Remember that?” Brian asked and Justin shrugged a little, now feeling uncomfortable. He didn’t need reminders about things  _before_.

“Yeah.” He answered and watched Brian fidget nervously. Something was definitely going on.

“You tried to teach him how to draw before he could even walk. I thought that was crazy but he still seemed to like it.” Justin watched as Brian slid his hands into his pockets to try and hide the fidgeting, but it didn’t really work. Justin knew him too well. “Anyways, I was thinking, maybe seeing Gus-.”

“No.” Justin said adamantly, then spun and stomped off into the bedroom before Brian could continue.

“Justin.” He could hear Brian call out after him, but he didn’t stop until he was in the bathroom and shut the door. He didn’t lock it – he’d never lock Brian out – but he held onto the handle so he’d know immediately if Brian was going to come in. “Justin come out, we’re just talking here.” Brian’s voice was slightly muffled.

“No. I’m not going to see Gus. I’d just freak him out!” Justin insisted, and then bit his bottom lip.

His heart was pounding and he had to start pacing on the tiled floor. It was too much – too much responsibility. Gus was just a kid! He couldn’t be around a kid. He’d freak out, and then Gus would freak out, and then he’d never be allowed to see him again. He gasped as suddenly it was hard to breath.

“Justin I can hear you hyperventilating. I’m coming in, okay?” Brian asked and Justin nodded, even if he couldn’t see it.

Brian started opening the door while Justin continued pacing. Before Brian got inside the bathroom, however, Justin heard the metallic rumbling of the loft door sliding open. He gasped and snapped his head up as fear shot through his body.

Someone was coming inside. It could be anyone. He’d distracted Brian as soon as he came inside and he hadn’t had time to lock the door. It could be Hobbs for all he knew. “NO!” Justin shouted as he gripped his head and fell to his knees. He was shaking and he couldn’t breathe.

He heard Brian say something but he couldn’t hear what. Not over the roaring going on in his head.

* * *

Brian’s eyes widened as he watched Justin meltdown right in front of him. Not out of shock or fear, but out of exasperation – because of course Lindsey and Melanie wouldn’t call like he told them to. He wanted to go to Justin to try and calm him down, but he reluctantly turned away to instead deal with the problem at its source.

“What part of call first don’t you understand?” Brian snapped as he walked out of the bedroom and to the trio standing in his living room.

“Is that Justin?” Lindsey asked, concern on her face.

“No I was fucking Santa Claus – of course it’s Justin!” He was angry, mostly at himself for ever thing think was a good idea, but it was easier to blame them for everything. Thankfully, Brian noted that Gus seemed confused and not upset, despite the loud screams coming from the bathroom.

“You need to go.” He said and began ushering them to the door.

“What about Gus?” Melanie asked, her gaze flickering to the door of the bathroom.

Brian huffed and walked to his desk to swiftly pull out a check. He scribbled out most of the fields but left the amount empty. “Here. Hire someone until Debbie can take him.” He said and then continued pushing them out. He almost got them to the door but Lindsey turned back Gus still in her arms. He was going to snap at her again, but she spoke first.

“Good luck.” Was all she said before pressing a kiss to his cheek and leaving with Melanie. Brian swiftly shut and locked the door behind them and pressed a hand to his head, beginning to get a headache.

He gave himself a moment of alone time before deciding to go confront Justin in the bathroom. Once he had calmed down enough to be helpful, he walked back inside and knelt down on the tile next to his boy. Justin had stopped howling but he didn’t seem aware of his surroundings yet so Brian was tentative when he put an arm around Justin’s shoulders. He felt him tense immediately, but then he relaxed and leaned against him.

“I’m sorry.” Brian said softly as Justin rocked back and forth in his arms. “I shouldn’t have-I just thought it might help.”

“You trapped me.” Justin’s voice was shaking and weak, but it was still thick with accusation. Brian couldn’t deny it, because it had been a trap. He’d just thought it would have gone better.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, sincerely. Despite his old adage of ‘no apologies and no regrets’ he’d said the words a lot to Justin lately, and he meant them every time. He didn’t know what he was doing anymore, so when he messed up he felt regret. He felt like he was setting off every mine in the field every time he moved. “I’m just trying to do what I think is best for you.” He said honestly.

“You want me to leave. You don’t want me to feel safe here anymore so I’ll leave.”

 _‘That’s new.’_  Brian thought, worriedly. Justin had never accused him of that before and it hurt to know it was what he thought. “That isn’t true. I messed up – I should have told you, asked you, to see if it was okay. But I knew you’d say no without trying and I figured Gus would be a good starting place. I don’t want you to leave.” He insisted, but could feel Justin shaking his head almost neurotically.

“You do. You want your old life back. You hate having me here. You hated it when I was here before and I was normal then! You hate it. You hate me!”

“Stop!” Brian shouted, unwilling to hear anymore. Justin obeyed, but he could hear a muffled crying coming from him. “I do  _not_  hate you. I could never hate you.” He spoke the last part more gently and took a hold of Justin’s red face to make him look up. “It doesn’t matter what happens, or what you do, or what you say – I will never hate you.” Brian spoke that very clearly because he wanted Justin to understand that, if nothing else.

Distantly, he remembered a time when those words would have melted Justin to the floor. A time when he’d merely asked if Justin was going to school out of state and the boy had someone supposed that meant he was deeply in love with him. But that Justin wasn’t here anymore; his smiles, his laugh, his adoring eyes, and his tenacity were all gone.

For now.

But it would be a cold day in hell before Brian let it stay that way.

“Let’s get off the floor.” He insisted and waited for the ‘old’ joke that was never going to come. Justin obeyed silently and morosely wiped at the tears on his cheek. He followed as Brian walked him to the bed and laid him down. Brian wasn’t surprised when he quickly fell asleep. These kinds of breakdowns always left Justin exhausted. As much as he wanted to lie down and rest himself, he had something he had to do.

He was sick of walking the minefield without a map.


	4. Chapter 4

There was one of the other hustlers that he really liked. His name was Hunter and he was a few years younger than him. He’d been shocked to find out – he looked and acted like he was in his twenties. He just supposed that meant he’d already been out on the streets for so long that he’d lost all sense of his innocence. He wondered how long it would take before that happened to him too.

Hunter showed him around town during off-hours. He had been the one to get him a fake-ID and he had told him which bars were the best to pick up Johns. He also taught him a few tricks of the trade; some things that made the clients keep coming back for more.

He appreciated it. The whole situation was still new and strange to him, but having what he might call a friend helped ease the pain. It made it easier to miss his family. He knew he couldn’t go back, but they were still his family and he still loved them. He hoped in time his parents might come to understand him and welcome him back. But he wasn’t going to hold his breath waiting. He knew it would only make him suffocate.

He already had one client that came to see him every day. He thought the man was a closet case too because he wore a wedding ring and talked about his wife and kids. But he didn’t care. He paid well and kept coming back for more.

So, no. His life wasn’t great. But this wasn’t forever. He knew in only a matter of time he’d get the life he wanted.

* * *

The bar was mostly empty, but Brian wasn’t surprised – it was the middle of the day after all.  He was reclined against a booth in one of the back corners, nervously looking at the door every few seconds.  When his friend finally arrived, he sat up straighter and then stood to welcome him.  “Alex.”  He greeted with a wan smile.  He held out his hand and Alex shook it with a smile of his own.

“Brian.  I have to admit I was surprised to hear from you.”  He said to him as they slid into opposite sides of the booth.

“I’m not really one for keeping correspondents.”  Brian muttered, not wanting to waste time on pleasantries.  He leaned forward and donned a serious expression.  “I need your advice – your help.”  He added and Alex looked at him with interest.

“Well, Brian, I know you have a series of disorders and addictions but I never would have imagined-.”

“Not for me.  For Justin.”  Brian cut him off with annoyance.

“Justin?  Justin Taylor?  The kid who was bashed at his prom?”  Alex asked somberly and Brian nodded.

“One and the same.”  Brian confirmed as he folded his arms and placed them on the table.  “He’s living with me and-.”

“He’s living with  _you_?!”  Alex asked in amazement and Brian huffed.

“Can I finish?”  Brian asked and Alex motioned for him to continue.  “But after the attack he…The doctors said he has all these mental conditions.  They said it would be normal and that in time he’ll get better.  But he’s not…he’s not getting better.  He’s getting worse.”  Brian said, haltingly at first, but then with more confidence.  He was apprehensive of speaking about such personal things, but if he wanted to help Justin – and he did – he would have to do it.

“Mental conditions?  Like what?”  Alex asked and Brian could see his mood shift from curious, to concerned.

“They said depression, anxiety, paranoia, and PTSD were all things I should expect.  And he’s definitely living up to their predictions.”  Brian said sadly.

“What is he like?  Give me a summary of a typical day for Justin.”  Alex requested, and so Brian did.  He described the nightmares.  He told him about the incident that day and how afraid Justin was of anyone else stepping foot in the loft.  He talked about his obsession with the window and his refusal to do his physical therapy.  Alex listened attentively the whole time and even pulled over a napkin to begin jotting down some notes.

It felt professional, and real.  It was a relief to Brian.  That was what he wanted – it was what he needed.  Someone who knew what they were doing to help him help Justin.  When he finished Alex was quiet as he looked down at the scribbled words on the napkin.  Brian let him think, and waited patiently.  It was a good minute before Alex finally spoke.

“It’s sad, isn’t it?”  He asked and Brian raised an eyebrow.  “For something so tragic to happen to someone so young?”  He asked and Brian simply frowned and turned away.  He didn’t know how to answer that.  “I remember reading about him in the paper, and seeing him on the news.  No one ever said your name though.  I didn’t know you knew him.  Tell me about that night.”

“Justin doesn’t remember it.”  Brian said simply, now very uncomfortable.

“But you do.  Tell me what happened.”  Alex asked and then flipped the paper over.

“Why?  Talking about what happened that night isn’t going to change anything.”  He insisted, not wanting to have to remember anything from the bashing.  There was too much blood…

“There are two people living in that loft, Brian.  Justin’s condition is only half of the whole picture.  I can’t help unless I know where you are, and how you’re doing with all of this.”  Brian looked at him for a long time, now extremely grateful the bar was practically empty.

“What do you want me to tell you?”  He asked sarcastically.  “We danced.  We left.  He got bashed.  End of story.”

“But it isn’t.  Not for you.  You’re still living with the repercussions of that night.  And if you haven’t properly handled your emotions over what happened you’ll be of little help to Justin.  Let me guess; you’ve been using Justin’s condition to distract yourself.  You can pretend that you’re okay because he’s worse off.”  Alex spoke firmly, clearly trying to make Brian listen to him.  When Brian didn’t answer, he continued.  “How do you expect him to confront his fears if you won’t confront yours?”

Brian slowly looked away from him and down to the glossy finish on the table.  He had to admit Alex had a point.  But he wasn’t about to have some kind of counseling session, so he shook his head.  “I’m here for Justin.”  He stated firmly and Alex sighed and gave a conceding nod.

“Fine, but it’s something to think about.”  The doctor reminded before turning the napkin around and pointing to one of the things he’d written down.  “You said he looks out the window most of the day?”

Brian nodded.  “Yeah.  If he’s not having some sort of meltdown he’s at the window looking outside.  I always figured he was watching for danger or something.”

“I doubt it.  I suspect it’s how he fills his need for interaction.”  Alex informed and pulled the napkin back.   “Sure, he can’t speak to anyone out there, but then again he doesn’t want to.  He’s able to learn about people’s lives from a safe distance; from a place where he doesn’t have to put himself at risk of being attacked again.”  Alex spoke smoothly and confidently.  “You are right when you say he’s getting worse.  If he isn’t striving to move forward to conquer his conditions, he’s only going to move backwards.  However, forcing him into a situation he is not ready for is only going to accomplish making him fearful of his home as well.”

“I apologized to him.”  Brian said swiftly, not wanting to be reminded that he’d made a huge error in judgement.

“That’s fine.  But the damage has been done.  You’ll have to regain his trust.”  Alex said and Brian nodded a few times.

“Fine.  How do I do that?”  He asked and Alex smiled broadly.

“Encourage him while he’s looking outside.  Engage him in what he sees.  People watch, comment, judge.  Who cares.  Make him feel like its normal.  Make him feel like you’re interested.  The time to push him to confront his fears will come, but it will be a long process.  Those doctors who told you that laundry list of conditions he has?  They don’t know shit.  All of those conditions are caused by one problem – his fear.  They can call it whatever they want to be dramatic, but all of the things he’s doing – his meltdowns, his obsession with the window, his refusal to do his PT - it’s all his fear manifesting itself.”  Alex was speaking with passion which gave Brian a bit of hope.  To find out he has one problem instead of five made him feel like all of this was manageable.

“I can do that.”  Brain spoke assuredly. 

“Good.  And Brian…I’d like to speak to Justin myself, even if it’s only on the phone.  As much help as I’m sure you’ll be, I’m a professional.  Besides, it’s been proven to help people in Justin’s situation to have a third, un-involved party, to talk to.  It’s someone who has no expectations, someone he won’t have to worry about upsetting.”  Alex gave the suggestion with a face that read he knew it wasn’t going to happen – at least not now.  Still, Brian nodded and tucked the offer away for now.

“I should get back.  I want to be there when he wakes up so he doesn’t freak out and think I’ve abandoned him or something.”  Brian tried to joke, and even tried to force a laugh, but it fell flat.  After Justin's comment earlier about hating him, he knew that it was a very real possibility Justin was afraid of being abandoned.  He and Alex shook hands again, and Brian walked away.

While he was driving back home, he tried to think of a way to engaged Justin in his window-escapades. He stopped by the store before returning to the loft and picked a few things up. When he got back, Justin was still asleep so he set his gifts aside and waited for the boy to wake up. He kept himself entertained by working on some emails.

It was nearly three when he heard Justin rustling around in the bed, signaling that he was about to wake up. Brian lifted his gaze and looked over, hoping Justin would be in a good mood. He’d fucked up that morning, he just hoped he didn’t do anything permanent.

* * *

Though he was often out of place whenever he woke up, he always knew when he’d just had what Brian liked to call a melt-down. His body was sore, his throat hurt, his eyes felt crusty, and he struggled to remember what had happened before he went to sleep. This time was different. He recalled everything with clarity the moment he woke up and remembered exactly what had happened and where he was.

Justin turned over on the bed towards Brian’s side where he expected to find the man. He was shocked to find it empty. One thing he had come to rely on after such events was Brian’s secure presence right next to him when he woke up.  _‘He really is sick of me.’_ He thought in dismay.

Feeling abandoned, he didn’t get up right away. He continued to lie in the bed and think about what would happen to him. But then he heard movement in the living room and shot up. At first, he didn’t think it could be Brian, so he panicked and assumed someone had broken in. However, he heard the intruder sigh with a very distinct tone that he recognized and he relaxed.

Brian hadn’t abandoned him after all. He tentatively got up from the bed and walked towards the living room to see Brian in the flesh. The man was pushing the chaise away from the window and Justin watched with indignation. Before he could voice his protestation, however, Brian moved to the couch and began pushing it towards the window instead.

Brian must have heard him, because after he was finished he turned around and looked at him, as if silently asking for his opinion. Justin was speechless, still trying to figure out why yet another part of his precious schedule was being disrupted.

“You fall asleep here all the time. I thought the couch would be more comfortable. And it’s higher, so it’s easier to see out.” Brian suddenly explained, motioning to the white couch. “And…There’s room for two.” Brian finished and Justin turned his gaze swiftly from the couch, to him.

“You want to sit there with me?” Justin asked slowly, unable to process what Brian was hinting at. Brian had rarely looked out the window with him. He’d asked about it, he’d gone over there to wake him up when he’d fallen asleep, or he’d force him to do his hand exercises, but rarely to look out.

“Sure.” Brian said and then suddenly walked over to the island in the kitchen to pull up a bag Justin hadn’t noticed. It was from an electronics store but Justin could only imagine what was inside. “Here. I got something for you.” He said as he pulled out a box and handed it to Justin.

Justin took it with his good hand and looked down at the box to see top-of-the-line binoculars. “What…?” He couldn’t even ask because it seemed to be the most random thing.

“It’s the most expensive one they had. Of course they only had two. Most people don’t have a need for binoculars I guess. Here, let me get it out for you.” Brian was speaking quickly and in a tone of voice that made Justin feel as if this was significant, only he couldn’t figure out how. He let Brian take the box back and watched him pop it open and take the binoculars out. He was handed the merchandise and examined it silently. “Do you like it?” Brian asked and Justin looked into his eyes.

“It’s so I can look through the window?” He asked and Brian nodded.

“Yeah. It’s hard to see across the street. This way you can see into people’s windows easier.” Brian explained and Justin couldn’t help but smile a little. Brian seemed nervous and Justin realized that it was because Brian really wanted him to like the present. And he did.

“Thank you.” He said sincerely and smiled a little broader.

“I got you something else, too.” Brian said and pulled out the other object in the bag. It was a large, professional camera. “You probably won’t be able to use it until your hand gets stronger, but when it does I figured it’d be nice to have. If you see something interesting. Maybe…” Brian hesitated but cleared his throat and continued one. “Maybe something you want to paint.”

Justin stilled and looked at the camera intently. He hadn’t even thought about his art since he woke up from his coma. It had been a purposeful avoidance tactic – one he’d learned from Brian. Even if he could paint, he didn’t think anyone would want to see what he had to show. He knew PIFA was simply out of the question anymore, even if he miraculously got better today they’d already given his spot away. It hadn’t bothered him to think about it because being an artist was a dream that would never be realized, thanks to Hobbs.

“Thanks…” He said, though this one was decidedly less sincere than the last. Brian didn’t seem to mind. He simply set the camera aside before wrapping an around Justin’s shoulder and pulling him in for a light kiss. When Brian moved away, Justin looked down at the gifts once more and then over to the rearranged furniture. “You’re really okay with me staying here?” Justin asked and Brian looked at him confused.

“This is your home.” Brian said it so simply, as if it was obvious. But to Justin, the fact was this was Brian’s home, and he was merely a guest in it. And guests didn’t stay forever. Brian was accommodating now, but what about in six months? He knew it was only a matter of time before Brian got sick of him – it only took a few weeks before.

Justin realized Brian was leading him over to the window, so he followed and sat next to the man. “So, tell me what you know.” Brian requested and tapped the binoculars.

“Not much. But now I’ll see everything.” Justin answered with a smile and lifted them up to gaze through the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Justin has the iconic binoculars now. And now is when we'll begin transitioning into the real story. Let me know what you think! :)


	5. Chapter 5

His client really liked him. He came every day and took him for a few hours. They just went to a hotel – nothing fancy. But he didn’t care. Even a rotten hotel was better than the abandoned warehouse he had been living in. The client even let him stay the night afterwards. Of course, he went home to his family. But he didn’t mind staying in the room alone. He could watch TV and sleep in a real bed.

And the guy kept coming back for more. He was even beginning to look forward to his meetings with the man.  Since he wouldn’t consider any of the hustlers his friends, it was the closest thing he had to a friendship.  They didn’t talk much – the John liked to just get straight to business – but it was obvious the man was seriously attracted to him and it felt good to have someone desire him so much. 

He decided to take the day off in preparation for his meeting with him tonight.  Apparently he was supposed to meet him in a new place.  He was excited to see what the man had bought for their little escapades.  Since he was in a good mood, he treated himself to a nice lunch, knowing that a large tip was coming his way, and decided to take his time getting to know the city.

* * *

Michael was beaming proudly as he picked up his very first box and began organizing his new merchandise. Owning his own store felt euphoric and exhilarating. He never thought that one day he, a community college dropout, would be an entrepreneur. But here he was. Sure, the store didn’t look great, but it was his and he loved it. He’d been told that was all that mattered. ‘ _So long as you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.’_  And if there was one thing Michael loved, it was comic books.

He pulled out some of the comic books that had been stashed in the box and frowned in sadness. They were in poor condition, so he wouldn’t get much out of them, but he knew that there were some rare and well cared for comics that he looked forward to putting on display.

He began whistling, even though he wasn’t very good, but he was too excited not to do something. If he wasn’t holding a pile of comics he would have done a little dance as well.

Michael had worked through a few boxes until he heard a knock on the door. He paused, a little confused, because he had a sign up saying the store would re-open in a week. So, he slowly walked over to it and peered through the many posters covering the door and rolled his eyes. “Brian…” He muttered, secretly pleased that his friend had dropped in to visit him. He unlocked the door and pulled it open, smiling up at the bell as it jingled above them.

“This isn’t mistletoe, Mikey. Are you going to let me in?” Brian asked, but didn’t wait for Michael to step aside before gently pushing him out of the way. Michael watched Brian’s face carefully, wondering what his reaction would be to his store.

Michael was dying to know what he was thinking, but he remained impassive. Brian was silent as he weaved through the stacks of boxes. He didn’t even crack a look as he lifted a picture on the wall to peer at the wallpaper behind it. Michael fidgeted nervously until Brian turned back to him and crossed his arms over his chest. “This place is a dump.” He announced but Michael could see a glint in his best friend’s eyes. Michael smiled broadly and shrugged.

“Maybe. But it’s my dump.” He announced proudly and walked behind the counter to the box he was working on. Brian followed lazily, still looking around the store, but then leaned against the front of the counter.

“You shouldn’t sound so…” Brian paused when he lifted his silk sleeve and saw a layer of dust on it. He scowled and brushed it off. “Proud.” He finished and pointedly didn’t touch anything around him.

“I can’t wipe anything down until I get everything catalogued and put away. Everything was in chaos. He had fantasy with sci-fi and-.”

“Mikey.” Brian warned and Michael stopped, still smiling. “Congrats.” Brian finished and Michael nodded, motioning to him.

“I couldn’t have done it without you.” He said and Brian raised an eyebrow.

“Oh? How so?” He asked and Michael shrugged awkwardly.

“Well, remember that Captain Astro you got me for my birthday?” When Brian nodded, Michael continued. “I sold it on eBay.” He explained and braced himself for the indignation that was sure to come.

But it didn’t. Looking at Brian carefully he saw the man look around the store again, apparently seeing it in a new light. Then his friend shrugged and seemed to approve. “I guess I could have gotten you a worse gift.” He said and Michael chuckled a little. “What made you think of buying this?” He asked and Michael sighed.

“Well I was so sick of the Big Q. And I didn’t want to go back there…I  _couldn’t_  go back there. It would have been a step backwards and I didn’t want to do that. So when I heard Buzzy was selling the store I thought it was perfect. I convinced him to sell it to me, even though he had a better offer and now here we are.” Michael looked around again, still in disbelief that this was real, and he’d done it all on his own.

“You’ve been busy. I was shocked when I went to the diner for lunch and your mother told me what’d happened.” Brian started walking around the store again, so Michael couldn’t see his face, but he knew him well enough there was a reason for his somewhat distant voice.

“Well I would have told you but…” Michael trailed off and glanced away towards one of the figurines he’d found in the boxes. “You already have so much on your plate. I knew you would have wanted to help. But I didn’t want to put more pressure on you.”

“You mean with Justin?” Brian asked, popping open a box and pulling out one of the comics inside.

“Yeah.” Michael said carefully. He still felt so out of the loop where Justin was concerned. When he’d come back from Portland Justin was already settled in the loft and he couldn’t get much out of Brian because he rarely saw him. And everyone else was almost as uninformed as he was and couldn’t offer much other than Justin was in bad shape.

“Yeah…” Brian sighed heavily and dropped the comic back into the box with a plop. “But you’re my best friend, Mikey. I’m proud of you.”   Michael straightened up a little and smiled even broader.

“Thanks.” He said, because Brian being proud of him was one of the things he’d always wanted. Brian nodded and walked back, but his expression had changed. Something was wrong, but he didn’t know what. He was sure he was about to find out, though.

“So, I actually went to the diner looking for you.” Brian said and came back to the counter. “I had to talk to you…about Justin.” Brian explained and Michael was a little confused, but nodded a little.

“Ok. I’m not sure how much help I’ll be but whatever I can do.” He said honestly and with a weak smile. Sure, he and Justin had gotten off on the wrong foot – mostly because of him – but he didn’t want Justin to suffer; if there was a way he could help he’d do it.

“Not like that. Justin needs…privacy for a while. We’re working on getting him to see other people but that’s a ways away. For a long time my loft has been open to everyone. Everyone in our family had a key and you all came and went whenever. That was fine then, really. But…I can’t let that happen now. Justin can’t handle it. So until I say it’s okay, no unplanned visits, no stopping by, nothing. Can you tell the others?” Brian asked and Michael nodded slowly, but with a distinct sadness.

He wasn’t upset that Brian’s loft was suddenly off-limits, he wasn’t even surprised about given what he assumed Justin’s condition to be like. He was upset that these precautions were necessary in the first place. Neither of them deserved it.

“Yeah, I can do that.” He assured calmly as he sat on the chair he had behind the register. “Things are that bad then?” He asked curiously and ignored the beleaguered sag of Brian’s shoulders.

“That’s one word for it.” Brian murmured so quietly Michael almost didn’t even hear him.

“I barely even know what’s going on.” Michael hedged, wanting, needing to know more, but feeling uncomfortable about openly asking.

“Can we not talk about it, Michael? I have to deal with it all the time…I just…I’m taking some time off of work and now it’s going to be constant. Sometimes I need a break from it, okay?” Brian insisted and Michael nodded swiftly, agreeing the instant he heard Brian’s tone.

“Yeah. Just…Let Boy Wonder know I’m worried about him. We all are.” He said and Brian gave him a hard look, as if he was trying to judge Michael’s sincerity. He apparently passed because Brian nodded.

“I will. He’ll like that.” Brian informed, now more relaxed.

“I doubt he’d even care. I wasn’t exactly his biggest fan before.” Michael admitted with a look of regret.

“He likes you, Mikey. He was glad when I told him you’d ended things with that horrible chiropractor.” Brian told him, to Michael’s surprise. He leaned forward on the counter, ignoring the layer of dust, and looked at Brian with interest.

“Really? He didn’t like David?” He asked and Brian rolled his eyes dramatically.

“No one did. You were just too  _in love_  to listen to any of us.” Brian was teasing him, but Michael grabbed an old comic and threw it at him anyways.

“Oh whatever. Everyone makes mistakes.” He defended himself with a laugh and Brian picked up the comic and threw it back at him.

“Not me. I’m perfect.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “The sad thing is you actually believe that.” He muttered and looked over the abused comic before setting it back down.

“I believe it because it’s a fact.” Brian insisted and smirked confidently. “Anyways, I got to get back home…thanks, for understanding.” He said and then leaned over the counter to give Michael a deep kiss which made Michael break out into giggles.

“Just go. And if you or Justin need anything, just ask.” Michael waved at him as he left and then frowned and slumped back against the wall. He didn’t envy Brian at all, and wished there was more he could do to help, but unfortunately, he was pretty useless. He was going to go back to work but the bell jingled and he looked up, thinking Brian had come back in.

However, when he looked up he didn’t recognize the man who walked in. “Excuse me we’re-.” He stopped, because he finally saw the man’s face and his heart legitimately skipped a beat.

“Sorry, I saw the sign on the door but that man just left and I thought I’d take a chance.”

Michael didn’t think he’d ever heard such a melodic voice before. Realizing his mouth was hanging open he snapped it shut and nervously stepped out from behind the counter. “I’m Michael. I just bought this store but…I might be able to help you find something in this mess.” He joked and the man laughed a little, offering his hand.

“I’m Ben, Ben Bruckner. And I’m in desperate need of some professional advice.”

Michael hesitated for a moment, because he’d never considered himself a professional at anything before. But he was the one who owned his own store now, so he supposed the shoe fit – and it fit nicely.   “Let’s see what I got.”

* * *

**Later That Night.**

“Fuck.” Justin cursed angrily as he dropped a piece of chicken from the fork back into the plastic bowl. His left hand shook when he bumped it with the binoculars he was holding with his neck as he took a bite of dinner. It felt like a juggling act, and one he was getting very sick of. He set the fork and bowl aside and moved the binoculars onto the top of the back of the couch.

He shifted, so he was kneeling against the couch and looking out the window, before reaching back down to get the bowl. He balanced it on the windowsill and started eating again.

“Think of how much easier it’d be if you used both hands.” Brian was pulling two bottles of beer out of the fridge, so Justin thought he’d gone unnoticed – apparently not.

“Shut up.” Justin muttered defensively, purposefully shoving his gimp hand further into his pocket.

“I’m just saying.”

“Well don’t.” Justin murmured as he set the fork down and picked up the binoculars to peer outside again. He felt something against his shoulder and turned to see Brian offering him one of the beers. He had to struggle a bit, as reaching across himself very nearly knocked his bowl of orange chicken over, and he didn’t miss that ‘I told you so’ look on Brian’s face. Still, he managed to grab it and set it on the windowsill next to his food.

As if purposefully trying to annoy him, Brian roughly fell onto the couch, jostling Justin and nearly toppling him over. He had to drop the binoculars yet again to catch himself. “I’ll do them after dinner, okay?” Justin asked, knowing this was punishment for another day of skipping his hand exercises.

“I didn’t say anything about that.” Brian shrugged innocently as he stole a piece of Justin’s chicken from his bowl.

Justin rolled his eyes and looked through the binoculars again. “If you wanted some why didn’t you order some?” He asked, but he wasn’t really annoyed about the food. Before he could say anything else, Brian snagged the binoculars away and began looking through them himself.

“Alright, who do we have here?” He asked and Justin smiled a bit and let his annoyance slip away as he moved Brian’s head towards an apartment across the street.

“That guy sits in his apartment most of the day with his headphones on synthesizing music. Every once in a while he’ll go full on DJ. He’ll get up and pretend he has these turn tables in front of him. It’s pretty funny.” Justin explained as he looked out the window to the left most apartment he’d been spying on. They were much easier to see now; before they’d been somewhat blurry blocks of color.

Brian chuckled softly as he stole another bite of Justin’s chicken. “He looks like a stick bug.”

Justin laughed heartily and nodded in agreement. “Yeah, he does. I call him the Music Man.”

“Ah, Harold Hill.” Brian supplied, but Justin didn’t have any idea what he was talking about.

“Who?” He asked slowly and Brian slowly lowered the binoculars and looked at him.

“Seriously? The musical?” He asked and Justin just offered an apologetic shrug and shake of his head. Brian scoffed and swiftly looked away. “God you’re so fucking young, Sunshine.”

“Sorry.” Justin murmured innocently and took a bite of his food.

“We’re going to have to do something about your cinema education.” Brian told him and then moved the binoculars over. “So that’s the apartment that breeder family just moved out of?”  He asked and Justin nodded with a scowl.

“Yeah.  Two men just moved in.”  He was not happy about that development.  He didn’t need new people disrupting his schedule. 

Brian glanced at him, but didn’t comment on his clear disgust.  Justin was glad, because the fewer times Brian saw just how neurotic he was the better.  “And next to it?”  Brian asked instead.  “What’s there? Oh god!” Brian swiftly dropped the binoculars and gagged in disgust.

“What?” Justin asked curiously, and reached for them. He had to know what got such a huge reaction out of the man. However, before he could raise them up to his eyes, Brian’s hand stopped him.

“Breeder sex. I’m doing you a favor.” Brian said, jerking them back and away from him. Justin couldn’t help but laugh some more.

“This coming from a man who says it isn’t exciting if there aren’t at least three people involved.” Justin retorted and Brian held up a finger to silence him, a dead serious expression on his face.

“Men, Sunshine. Three  _men_.” He corrected and Justin laughed as he pushed Brian’s hand away. “I’m serious. This is an important rule.”

“Oh yeah, it’s right up there with ‘no accepting drinks from strangers’ and ‘always use a condom’. Always have sex with men.” Justin started laughing again and Brian chuckled along with him.

“Always remember that one.” Brian teased and then took up the binoculars again. “So, let’s just skip Ward and June Cleaver over there and find something else….” He said slowly scanning the apartment building windows for something interesting. Justin watched contently, a small smile on his face.

“They’re not exactly like the Cleavers.”  Justin informed in a scandalous whisper.  “Ward has another woman over almost every day around lunchtime, and June goes over to Harold’s apartment and he fucks her.”  He informed and Brian raised an eyebrow in interest.

“Oh really?”  He asked and then shrugged.  “Just goes to show how pointless marriage is…”  He muttered before peering into a few of the other apartments across the street.

They would pass the binoculars back and forth, spying on the people across the street. Justin laughed more that night than he had every day since he woke up from his coma combined. Brian brought it out in him.

He suspected Brian felt guilty after what happened with Lindsey and Melanie, so he was trying to make it up to him. He didn’t care why Brian felt the need to give him extra attention, though. He was glad for any opportunity to spend time with him. All of those people that they spied on weren’t real – well, they were, but not to him. Brian was the only real thing he had in his life.

Justin still knew that his time here in the loft with Brian was limited. Eventually, he would get sick of coddling him. He would get sick of his nightmares and losing sleep. He would get sick of not being able to bring tricks to the loft. He would get sick of telling Justin to do his PT over and over again. And then Brian would send him away.

That was a certainty to Justin. It was only a matter of time. So, he wanted to enjoy the time he had with Brian while he could. Until he was really alone and nothing was real. He’d decided that was when he would do it. Even if an institute wasn’t so bad, he didn’t want to live alone – truly alone. So, he’d live until Brian decided he’d had enough.

He’d never say anything though. No, Brian had enough to deal with and he didn’t need this kind of pressure on top of everything else. He loved him too much to do that to him. He’d wait until Brian sent him away, and he’d do it wherever he ended up – make them clean it up.

* * *

He showed up at the new place with a broad smile on his face.  They were at the rich end of town.  The buildings were clean and shining.  People didn’t shuffle around like there were hiding something – they walked with their backs straight and smiles on their faces.  He fit in easily, as he used to live in a place just like this when he lived with his family.  He didn’t think of them as he approached Tremont Street though.

He glanced to a couple of buildings on the corner to check the building numbers and then went inside.  He jogged up the steps, anxious to see the inside of the apartment.  When he knocked on the door, however, a strange man opened it.

“Oh, sorry.  I must have the wrong address.”  He said slowly and began to turn, but the man grabbed his arm.

“No.  It’s right.”  He said and pulled him in the room.

He was going to protest until he saw his usual John in the kitchen, looking at him with desire.  He relaxed and flashed the man a smile.  “You brought a friend.”  He pointed out, pleased.  He could use this to double his payment.

“Get into the bedroom.”  He was immediately ordered.  He shrugged and obeyed because the more they worked him the more he could charge.

He went and sat on the bed, and it began almost immediately.  Gone was the efficient, but pleasant encounters with his John.  Now that his friend was there it was a whole new ballgame.  He was tied up.  He was chocked.  He was beaten.  He was gagged and spit on.

He tried to ask them to stop, but he couldn’t get them to hear him.  He began worrying that he wasn’t going to make it through the night.

* * *

Justin jerked awake some hours later.  He scanned around himself, disoriented and confused.  He focused on the music he was hearing and turned towards the TV to see the DVD had ended and was now playing the menu music over and over again.  He looked at it for a long moment before realizing he and Brian must have fallen asleep watching movies.

He turned and looked behind him where Brian seemed uncomfortable laying on the couch, pressed back against the cushion so Justin had room to lay down as well.  He smiled, because he didn’t know what woke him up, but at least he didn’t wake Brian up too.

Justin moved slowly and carefully, his hand still slightly throbbing from his PT earlier.  But he managed to shift on the couch without waking Brian and grabbed the binoculars to look outside.  He scanned a few of the apartments across the street before settling on the middle one with the two new owners.  He yawned, still sleepy, and blinked repeatedly.

When his vision finally focused he gasped and cried out at what he saw.  The binoculars fell from his hand and he bent over to begin violently shake Brian awake.  “Brian!!  Brian!  Wake up!  They’re killing someone!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I hope you all enjoyed. Let me know. :)


	6. Chapter 6

“Justin I don’t see anything. Maybe it was a nightmare.”  Brian suggested as he peered through the binoculars, seeing nothing but a dark apartment. He set them down and moved away from the window, but Justin swiftly picked them up and looked outside desperately. “Enough. Come on. We’re going to bed. My back is killing me.” Brian said, trying to downplay what had just happened, despite the fact that it was really worrying him.

“But I saw…I saw them hurting someone!” Justin insisted, resisting Brian’s tug on his arm to get him away from the window. He relinquished his hold on the binoculars but only because Brian was stronger and pulled them away.

“It was nothing. There’s nothing there.” Brian told him and put both hands on Justin’s shoulders to move him forward.

“But…” Justin trailed off, clearly beginning to second-guess what it was he had seen. “They weren’t…?” He asked slowly and looked up at Brian who shook his head.

“No. Now lay down.” He said and pulled the blankets on the bed back to let Justin slide in. He covered him up and then sat on the edge of the bed, finding he wasn’t very tired anymore. He reached out and ran his fingers through Justin’s hair to try and help ease him back to sleep as his adrenaline wore off. “Night, Sunshine.” He said softly and received a very drowsy ‘goodnight’ in return.

Brian was thankful that Justin’s high-wire emotions tended to leave him drained because he didn’t want to have to pretend that everything was okay. As soon as Justin fell asleep he walked to the phone and called up Alex, not caring about the hour. It had to ring for a while before the man actually answered, but eventually he picked up.

“Who is this?”

“It’s me, Brian.” He said, keeping his voice low as he looked into the bedroom from the living room; the last thing he wanted was to wake Justin back up. “It’s about Justin-.”

“Couldn’t it wait until the morning?” Alex sounded annoyed, but Brian could hear him shift around and knew he was sitting up, so he wasn’t about to hang up on him.

“No. He just woke me up screaming about how someone across the street just killed a person. But it wasn’t real, it was a nightmare or something. He’s never had nightmares that weren’t about Hobbs before and I’m worried that this is…a bad sign.” He settled for and the moment of silence that greeted him didn’t make him feel any better.

“What was going on across the street?” Alex asked after a while.

“Nothing. The lights were off. I don’t think they could have gotten up and turned them off by the time Justin got me up. But it’s possible.” He added at the last part mostly for his own benefit, as he was trying to find a way to explain Justin’s behavior. He glanced to the window with a frown, still seeing nothing going on across the street.

“I see…” Alex said distantly and Brian heard some rummaging on the other end of the line. He could only imagine what the man was doing.

“Has Justin commented on these people before at all? Anything specific?” He asked and Brian could now tell he was fully awake.

“Earlier Justin had said that he didn’t want them there. He didn’t like them. He was trying not to let me notice, but I could tell he was really torn up about it.”  Brian reported, easily recalling the strange conversation he had with the boy earlier that day.

“Did they just move in? It’s likely that he viewed them as an invasion to his space. Even though he’s never been over to the other apartment building he probably views it as part of his safe area. It’s an extension of his life in your loft. Being cooped up inside all day has to be stressful to him.” Alex said and Brian could hear writing on a piece of paper. He wondered if Alex saved the napkin from the bar and was starting an official file for him.

“He’s the one who keeps himself locked up!” Brian began pacing as he let his worry about Justin’s mental health come out.  He ran a hand through his hair and gave it a tug out of frustration.  Despite his efforts, things seemed to be going from to worse.

“How long did it take for him to calm down?” Alex asked after he’d finished.

“Actually not long, given some of the meltdowns he’s had before. I was able to distract him and get him back to sleep.”  Brian said and Alex ‘hmmmed’ on the other line and scribbled some more things down.

“This is the first time he’s had a nightmare about something other than the attack? You’re sure?” The doctor asked and Brian nodded, and then shrugged even though it couldn’t be seen.

“Yeah, I mean I think so. If it’s been about something else he hasn’t told me.” He answered honestly and moved over to the couch and sat down on it heavily.  His shoulder slumped and his head hung down by his knees.

“I wish I could just talk to him…Have you asked him about meeting with me?” Alex asked with hope in his voice.

“Seriously, Doc? I  _just_  told you how he reacted to people across the street. How do you think he’ll handle actually talking to you?” Brian snorted and shook his head. “And you have a PhD?” He rolled his eyes and scoffed.

“Brian there’s only so much I can do without speaking to him myself. Work on him, tell him how it’ll make you happy if he tried to just talk to me on the phone.” Alex suggested and Brian paused.

“Why would that help?” He asked slowly.

“Don’t you see? You’re Justin’s whole world right now. I’m sure there’s a part of Justin that is worried that if he makes you mad in some way, he’ll lose you. He’ll want to please you any way he is able to.”

Brian didn’t like the sound of that.

“I’m not going to kick him out if he pisses me off! Seriously, if you’d met him before you’d realize all this shit isn’t really par from the course. He was an annoying brat.” Brian declared with more than a hint of fondness. Sure, it was an exaggeration, but he still felt it deserved saying. He’d agreed to care for Justin and that was what he was going to do.

“Justin isn’t himself right now. As much as he may tell you, there are a million other thoughts going on in his head. I  _promise_ you that he is thinking and feeling so much more than he is letting on. I don’t even need to talk to him to know that. He’s the victim of a brutal attack that left him mentally and physically injured.  The attack was also very personal, aimed directly at  _him_  as a person. That’s why I want to talk to him, so I can find out what is going on under the surface. Honestly Brian…” Alex hesitated and Brian was certain that he didn’t want the man to finish his sentence. “It’s very common for people who have been through what Justin has to have thoughts of suicide or other forms of self-harm.”

The line was silent for a few moments as Brian didn’t know how to react to that. Justin hadn’t seemed suicidal. He didn’t seem to want to hurt himself at all actually. In fact, with how afraid he was of other people hurting him, Brian didn’t think he’d dare hurt  _himself_. “Justin isn’t like that.” Was all he was able to manage after the silence droned on too long.

“I told you; he isn’t himself. But remember, I haven’t spoken to him. These aren’t absolutes, nothing in this situation is. I’m just basing this off of my experience.”

“So what am I supposed to  _do_? Ignore his delusions? Pretend that everything is fine so he doesn’t decide he’s better off dead – or  _I’m_ better off with him dead?” Brian stood and began pacing again because he couldn’t handle this. He was so unequipped.

“I wouldn’t classify what happened as a delusion. It was likely just a nightmare and he thought it was real because all of his other nightmares had been about his attacker. I’m sure in the morning he’ll remember that it didn’t happen. It was a rough day for him, that’s all. Two men move in across the street and he doesn’t feel safe. It was a recipe for disaster, nothing more.”  Alex’s words managed to put Brian at ease a bit – at least Justin wasn’t losing his mind. He didn’t answer right away, so Alex continued.  “I mean it when I tell you to convince him to talk to me. I can help so much more if I know what he’s thinking and feeling.” He repeated and Brian nodded.

“On the phone. Only on the phone.” He agreed and swore Alex was nodding by the way he answered.

“Yes, yes, of course. Call me, even if the answer is no. Keep me updated so I have current information to work with.”

“I will…” Brian said slowly. “Thanks.” He added suddenly and managed a small smile. “I appreciate you doing this.” He finished sincerely and it seemed to stun Alex.

“Brian Kinney, expressing gratitude to someone? Well now I’ve seen everything.” Alex teased and then let out a yawn. “I‘m doing it pro bono too, so you’re welcome. Goodnight, Brian.”

“Goodnight, Alex.”

Brian hung up the phone and let his arm hang weakly by his side as he didn’t know what to do. He was relieved that Alex didn’t seem as alarmed at Justin’s nightmare as he had been but it sounded like it was possible Justin was worse off then he thought. He slowly walked to the desk and set the phone back on it. He then glanced back to the bedroom and frowned.

_‘‘Thoughts of suicide’…What’s going on in that head of yours, Sunshine?’_

* * *

Jason limped as he walked home from his John’s apartment. The place had been nice – it looked new and fresh, like they’d just moved in. He had always wanted an apartment of his own before, but he had a roof and four walls – there were worse places to live.  He tried to focus on simply experiencing a beautiful place like that, rather than the beating he'd received from his clients.  The walk was long. The John lived in the more affluent part of Pittsburgh and his little hovel was in the industrial district. He couldn’t even take a bus as they didn’t run that late. So he walked over an hour to the abandoned steel factory.

The others hadn’t been too reluctant to let him share their territory and he’d been able to save up over two thousand dollars already. If he kept snatching richer clients he may even be able to get a real place soon. He smiled just thinking about it.

He then tripped on the curb and grimaced as his fresh wounds screamed in pain. He reached to his side and held his tender ribs. Of course, having fancier clients meant satisfying their whims – even when those whims tended to be violent and painful.

When he finally got home he couldn’t wait to just lie down, sleep all night long and then well into the morning. He typically liked to get an early spot – it was surprising how many John’s picked him up for a mid-morning quickie – but with the bonus he’d just made he could afford to skip the morning grabs.  He’d let the others have their pick instead.

“Hey. I didn’t think you were coming back tonight.”  A familiar voice called out, echoing slightly in the large, open walls of the factory.

“Oh, hey Hunter.  Yeah. They didn’t want me to spend the night so I walked back.”  Jason explained as he turned to the other hustler and smiled weakly, trying to hide the injuries he’d received. But he should have known Hunter would see past his façade, the kid was observant.

“Dude, are you okay?” He asked, moving forward and grabbing Jason’s shirt to lift it up.  “Fuck!  They beat you?!  You got to watch out for freaks like that man.”  Jason followed as Hunter began walking him over to his bed.  They didn’t have any medicine or bandages, so he knew Hunter wasn’t going to patch him up, but the extra help with walking went a long way in relieving his pain.

“It’s alright. They gave me a huge fucking bonus.  Three hundred bucks.”  Jason bragged, reaching into his pocket to pull out the wad of cash he’d been given.

“Are you crazy? Put that away!”  Hunter ordered in a whisper.  He grabbed Jason’s hand and lowered it.  “They may let you stay here but that doesn’t mean they won’t hesitate to rob you in a second.”  Hunter warned and glanced around to double check that the other hustlers were asleep and couldn't see the cash.

“Sorry.” Jason said, slipping it back into his pocket.  “You’re not going to, are you?”  He asked, suddenly nervous.

“Pft, please…” Hunter muttered and rolled his eyes.  Jason could swear he saw the guy flip his fucking hair too.  “I can make my own money.  I’ve been doing this so long I know all the tricks.”  He bragged and Jason just smiled a bit.

He wished he could be as confident as Hunter, but he’d only been hustling for a few weeks. Though, he guessed he must have been doing something right because he was making more than he was spending.

“Just lay down. You’ll feel like shit in the morning.”  Hunter warned and then stepped away once Jason was lying on the dingy mattress on the ground.  There wasn’t a blanket, but it was still summer and the night was warm.  Jason didn’t want to buy one anyways, he’d save the money for when he had his own apartment and could get a real nice one that he didn’t have to put on the ground.  “And stay away from them next time.”

“Fuck no.” Jason shook his head.  “I don’t care how much they beat me.  I’ll take cash like this every night.”  He could hear Hunter grow still, but he didn’t say anything and eventually started walking away again.  Jason assumed he disapproved, but he didn’t care.  However much Hunter may have done for him, he knew that if push came to shove Hunter would look after himself first – Jason would do the same.

They were hustlers, they weren’t boy scouts.


	7. Chapter 7

**Several Days Later.**

Justin covered his yawn with the back of his good hand as he shuffled from the bedroom to the kitchen. Brian wasn’t far behind. 

It had been a rough night.

He was pretty sure he set a personal record for how many nightmares he had. He recalled waking up six times, and he knew that there must have been times he didn’t remember.  As usual, Brian was always there hovering above him and shaking him awake to free him from the prison that his nightmares put him in.  He glanced towards Brian and smiled despite his exhaustion.  Brian had held him and comforted him all night long.

He yawned again and Brian yawned back. The man pulled out one of the high chairs and plopped down on it like he was giving up.  Justin paused, having planned to do the same, but wanted to give Brian something in thanks for what he went through last night.  So, he walked around the counter and started making coffee.

It was a long process. Not only was he struggling to think due to lack of sleep, but he had to do it all one handed.  Still, he managed.  The coffee began pouring into the pot and he could hear a sigh of contentment when the smell must have reached Brian.  He turned back and smiled a little more.

The smell must have been enough to get Brian moving because just seconds later he stood and walked to the fridge. He pulled out some eggs and vegetables to cut up.  Justin went to stop him.  “I can cook.”  He insisted, wanting Brian to be able to relax.

“You’re making coffee.” Was all he was offered in reply.  Thinking about it, Justin realized he wouldn’t have been able to chop up any of the vegetables anyways, so it was probably better that Brian did it.

When the coffee finished he got out Brian’s favorite mug, having to reach up into the cupboard on his toes in order to grab it. He set it on the counter and poured the coffee in.  He then took the sugar and poured in four large scoops and handed the mug to Brian who took it with an appreciative grunt. 

They didn’t speak to each other again after that for over an hour, and yet Justin was still content. They munched in silence and somehow found themselves over on the couch sharing the binoculars. 

Despite the good start to the morning, he knew that Brian was about to say something that he thought would upset him. He got this look on his face, often during relaxing times like this, which always preceded Brian suggesting something he didn’t want to do.  He wondered what it was this time.

“So, I have this friend.” Brian started slowly and Justin stilled and lowered the binoculars to let him know he had his attention.  “His name is Alex Wilder.  He’s a doctor.  A Psychiatrist.  I’ve been talking to him.  About you.”

Justin suddenly frowned heavily. He didn’t like the idea that Brian was talking about him to random people.  Before he could voice his protest, however, Brian continued.

“I’ve been trying to go about this the right way, so you get what you need. And he’s been helping me.  He’s worried about you.  And…”  Brian paused and sighed heavily.  “He wants to talk to you.  Just on the phone.”  Brian added swiftly before Justin could say no.

When it was clear Brian wasn’t going to add more he leaned back against the couch a little and drew his legs out from under him. He bit his bottom lip lightly as he thought about what Brian was saying.  He tried to ignore the fact that he was the topic of discussion when he wasn’t around because when he really thought about it, it was rather sweet that Brian was worried enough about him to go to a professional. 

“Do you want me to?” He asked, hating how small is voice sounded.

There was a look that crossed Brian’s face then, but he didn’t know what it was or why his question seemed to spark so much emotion in the man. But Brian nodded and cleared his throat.

“Yes. I think it will be good for you.”  He said simply and Justin turned away from him and at the binoculars on the couch between them.

He couldn’t help but think this was a bad sign. Despite how touching it was that Brian was willing to do this, it was also a sign that the man was beginning to lose patience.  Justin could see the Institute looming nearer and nearer; unless he did as Brian asked.

He didn’t want to talk to a shrink – he remembered how well the last one went and scowled. But he did want to make Brian happy.  “Okay.”  He agreed quietly, because he couldn’t bring himself to sound more confident, he just didn’t have it in him.

“Really? You will?!”  Brian asked excitedly.  He even moved closer to him. Justin felt his heart flutter because he hadn’t seen Brian that excited since  _before._

“If you think it’s a good idea…” He hedged, even though he had no intention of going back on his agreement. He just wasn’t thrilled about the concept of talking to a stranger, even a friend of Brian’s.

“I do. It’ll help.” Brian sounded confident, so Justin felt a fraction more at ease. He smiled and nodded, then suddenly stood and went over to the small container with his hand exercises. “Now, we slept through your morning session. We should get started.” He said and Justin withheld a cringe.

He didn’t want to do his PT – he didn’t see the point. His hand wasn’t getting any better and those balls weren’t going to help at all. But, Brian seemed to be in a good mood and he didn’t want to ruin it. He reached out with his good hand, took the container and began taking out the first set. Brian sat next to him, so they were touching all along their sides, and helped.

When he was finished his hand was sore and he wanted to just go back to sleep but Brian went and got the phone. He thought he would have been given more time but apparently not. The man dialed and then Justin watched as he began talking to this Alex guy.

When they were done greeting each other Brian glanced to Justin and gave him a supportive smile, then he held it out.

Justin reached out with his good hand and nervously took the phone. He looked at it for a long time and wondered if he just stared at it long enough Alex would just hang up. He brought the phone up and awkwardly cleared his throat. “H-Hello?” He asked, hoping that no one would answer. He wasn’t that lucky.

“Hi Justin. I’m glad you decided to talk with me.”

He tensed and shut his eyes tightly. Brian’s arm was suddenly around his shoulder and he leaned against him. He nodded a bit and opened his mouth to try to speak. “Y-y-yeah. Umm…Br-Brian sa-id it would b-be good-d.” He managed to get out choppily.  It was a stranger.  He was talking to a complete stranger.

“I think he’s right. I really want to help you, Justin.”

His voice was nice – he liked it. It put him at ease a bit.

“How?” He asked simply, not trusting his voice to get out more than one syllable without stuttering.

“Well however I can. I’ve worked with a lot of people who have been through the same thing you have. I helped them understand their fears and overcome them. I want you to have the same opportunity. I want you to be able to feel in control of your life again.”

“You kn-know othe-er people l-like m-mme?” Justin wondered if any of the people Alex had helped were as bad as him. He knew he was a wreck, he just didn’t know how to fix it…And he didn’t want to. What was the point? He’d never be his old self again.

“Yes. I’ve counseled people who have been attacked, even raped; people who have barely made it out alive, just like you. Do you think you would like to work with me, Justin? Only over the phone, until you’re ready?”

Justin hesitated because he hadn’t expected to be asked whether or not it was okay. Brian had wanted it, and he’d agreed, so he’d assumed Alex was just going to jump right in and start shrinking him. He liked being asked. It made him feel safe.

He liked Alex.

“Yeah. I think that’d b-be okay.” He answered and could physically feel Brian’s relief next to him.

“Good Justin. Thank you. How about for today you just tell me a little about yourself? If you’d like you can ask anything about me too.”

“Anything?” Justin asked curiously. He heard a small chuckle on the other end of the line.

“Yes, anything. There has to be complete trust between us, Justin. I won’t lie to you, ever. I would like the same from you. If you don’t want to tell me something, say so. Just don’t ever lie to me. Can you do that?”

“I guess.” He agreed with a weak shrug. He suddenly straightened, feeling more at ease the longer he talked. Brian’s arm stayed wrapped around him, but he didn’t prevent him from straightening up.

“Great. So, how old are you Justin?”

Justin blinked a little. If all the questions were like this it was going to be easy. “Eighteen.” He answered with a steady voice for the first time since the conversation started. “What about you?”

“I’m thirty-six.”

“You’re older than Brian.” Justin wasn’t sure why he said it, but it felt like it was worth saying. Alex laughed.

“Yes, which knowing Brian he’s thankful for.”

Alex’s laugh made Justin crack a smile and he glanced up to Brian who could only hear half of their conversation. “Yeah. You should have seen him when he turned thirty.” Brian scowled a bit, but Justin could tell he wasn’t really bothered by the reminder.

“I can imagine. Brian means a lot to you, doesn’t he?”

Justin nodded and looked down at his lap. “Yeah…He’s…He’s…I-.” Justin couldn’t finish because Brian was  _everything_  to him. Brian was his world. Brian was the only person he ever saw. Brian was…everything.

“You love him a lot, don’t you?”

He found himself nodding. “Yes.” He said with a smile. He loved Brian with all that he had. Despite everything that had happened, that had never changed. “Do you? I mean, do you love anyone?” Justin could only wonder what Brian was thinking listening to him, but he didn’t still didn’t leave.

“I love a lot of people; my friends and my family. But I don’t love anyone the way you love Brian. I haven’t found that person yet. But I will.”

“Oh. I’m sure you will.” Justin meant it too. If Alex could get  _him_  to like him in the matter of a few minutes, he was sure it wouldn’t be hard to find someone to love him.

“Well thank you, Justin. That was very kind. Now, tell me; before the attack, what did you like to do in your spare time?”

Justin smiled nostalgically. “I liked to draw. I wanted to be an artist. But I can’t do that anymore.” He finished as his eyes drew to the ground and his shoulders slumped down. The hardest part of the whole thing was not being able to draw anymore. He had always expressed himself so much better in pictures. Now there were so many things blocked up in his head that he can’t get out.

“I bet you would like to do that again. Art is wonderful therapy too. I’m sure you’re working hard on your PT in order to get that back.”

Justin could tell by his voice that he knew more than he was saying. Brian had already admitted to talking to him, and no doubt he had said that he wasn’t willingly doing his therapy. “No one would want to see what I want to draw.” He answered instead and once again Brian tensed.

“I doubt that. Besides, you never know until you try, right? But we can move on.”

And they did. Justin talked to him for an hour about nothing having to really do about his attack. In fact, he noticed that as soon as something got close to touching the attack, Alex would change the subject and ask him a new question.

He told Alex about his family and what his life was like growing up. He talked about his father and meeting Brian. He talked about his likes and dislikes and spent a great deal of time talking about what he saw outside the window. He told Alex all about Harold Hill and Ward and June Cleaver. He never asked about the middle apartment and the two men, but Justin didn’t know if that was because he didn’t know, or because he didn’t want to ask and disrupt their back and forth. In any case, Justin was glad because even though he’d been dreaming, it had still bothered him to think he saw someone get murdered like that.

After some time, Alex stopped asking the questions and his voice changed. “Hey, Justin, I want to ask you to do something for me. Is that okay?”

Feeling relaxed, Justin found himself nodding. He wanted to make Alex happy so he’d probably agree to most anything. “Yeah.”

“Whenever you have a nightmare, I want you to write it down. Then, the next time we talk, we can discuss some of them. Only the ones you’re comfortable with sharing. Think you can do that?”

Justin smiled a bit; he’d been afraid that Alex would ask to meet him in person.  “Yeah. I can do that.”

“Good, thank you, Justin. Can you hand the phone to Brian now?” Justin nodded and obeyed, surprised at how good he felt. He had assumed the Alex would want to just jump right in and try to fix him in one go, but that wasn’t the case. In fact, he wouldn’t mind talking to him again.

He didn’t pay much attention to what Brian was saying to Alex, but he heard his name muffled on the other end of the line and Brian would look at him from time to time. He wasn’t surprised. He knew they were talking about him.

When Brian was done he put the phone back on the stand and then walked over to him. Justin found himself immediately in an embrace so he smiled and hugged Brian back.

Maybe that Institute wasn’t so close after all.

* * *

Jason shifted his weight from one foot to the other as he waited nervously on the side walk. A few of the other hustlers were nearby, Hunter included, and he wondered if he should go and get a different spot. They had said they didn’t mind him there, but he wanted a chance to get some clients of his own. Already two others had been picked up and he’d been passed over. Still…his John hadn’t told him to come back yet, so he needed to find some other clients.

He was still debating whether or not to stay or go when the familiar black SUV pulled up. A few of the others started moving towards it, but Jason didn’t give them a chance. He jogged forward to hop inside without even waiting to be asked, but a hand on his arm stopped him. He turned to Hunter who looked concerned. “Isn’t that the car of those two dudes who beat you up last week?” He asked and Jason nodded, but shrugged.

“Yeah but I’m fine now. I can handle another go.” He assured and tried to move again, motioning to them that he was coming so they didn’t take someone else.

“You should stay away from them. You don’t know what they’re capable of.” Hunter sounded a bit more insistent, but Jason just waved him off.

“I’ll be fine, man. Thanks though. See ya later.” He said with an assured smirk before jumping into the van. It sped away without a moment’s notice and he only had enough time to glance out the window and see Hunter’s worried expression before they drove away.

The drive to the apartment took some time as they were across town from it, but Jason spent it mentally preparing for the night ahead. When the finally did arrive, he smiled as he walked back into the fancy apartment. It was only his second time there, but he was already familiar with it. The two men had fucked him over nearly every surface last week and he got a good look at everything. And even though he knew he was probably going to be in for a rough night, he was prepared with the knowledge that he’d have a huge wad of cash afterwards.

Neither of the men spoke to him other than to tell him where to go and get ready. He didn’t care – he didn’t need to talk to them to get the job done. He’d bend over, get fucked and hit, and go home just like last time. And one day soon he’d get his own place with his own things and a real job. It would be a giant ‘Fuck You’ to his family - thanks to these two men.

He stripped down and got on the bed as they ordered and soon he was joined by them. They had ropes this time and he consented to be tied up. He was a bit surprised when one went around his neck, but said nothing. He shifted slightly, trying to loosen the ties just a bit, but found they were only tightened once more. Deciding it wasn’t worth losing out on the giant bonus coming his way, he remained still even as he felt his fingers and toes going numb.

By the time he realized something was wrong it was too late.

His vision was going dark and he was struggling to breath. He tried to tell them that the rope around his neck was too tight, but they were already fucking him and he could barely get out any words through his constricted throat. He tried to struggle, but the bonds were too tight.

And then, he slipped away…

 


	8. Chapter 8

“NO!!!” Justin screamed as he lurched awake from a nightmare. He was panting, sweating, and his eyes were darting around the room as he tried to find his attacker. Suddenly, hands were on him so he struggled to break free and fight back.

“Calm down, it’s me…Shhh…”

Thank god.  Brian.

He stilled and leaned into Brian’s strong, waiting arms. He bit his bottom lip and shut his eyes tightly, trying to keep the tears at bay, but they fell regardless. He didn’t sob, which he honestly considered a small victory, but he silently cried in Brian’s arms. He wiped at the tears as they fell, and found that only using one hand was almost useless as they seemed to stream from his eyes like a fountain.  So, he resorted to using his crippled one, but it was still curled up in a tight ball.

“I want them to stop…” Justin murmured after he was able to calm down some. He could feel Brian nod above him.

“I know. Me too.” Brian’s voice sounded tired and Justin looked up to see that he was struggling to stay awake. He nervously cleared his throat.

“I should write in that dream journal thing Alex said to do.” He said, wanting to give Brian an opening to go back to sleep.

“Yeah, okay. Take your time. Call me if you need something.” Brian said but only laid down when Justin pushed him back onto the bed. Brian flashed him a bit of a smile. “You don’t have to take care of me, Sunshine.”

“I know.” Was all Justin could think to say in return. Brian spent so much time worrying about him and taking care of him that he felt he deserved a little attention himself. “I’ll go write it down.” He said before moving to slide off of the bed. He paused, however, and slid back in order to offer Brian a soft, chaste kiss on the lips. Then he left the bed, grabbing his notebook as he went.

He walked to the couch because he imagined having to re-live his nightmare was going to be hard and he wanted to be in a place that made him happy. Before starting, he glanced out the windows to the apartments on the other side. He grabbed up the binoculars to see if any of them were still up. He first peered through the Cleaver’s apartment but it was empty. Confused, he moved over to Harold Hill’s to see if June was over with him.

He chuckled as he saw Ward screaming at Harold while June watched. “Looks like he found out. Hypocrite…” He muttered, wondering why the man could be upset when he was having an affair of his own. He shook his head, not interested in watching their relationship end, and turned instead to the middle apartment.

He then gasped and stood up straight.

Fully awake this time, he watched as the two men moved a limp body onto the floor and wrapped it up in a rug. “Oh my god…Oh fuck. Fuck. Brian!” He called out, not tearing his eyes away from the window for fear that he would lose sight of whatever they decided to do. “Brian!!” He called when he was not immediately answered.

“What is it Justin?” Was Brian’s sleepy response.

“Come here!” He was waving his balled up, gimp hand trying to get him to move faster. Even as he watched they picked up the rug and began moving it out of the apartment. “Brian hurry!!”

“Justin…what the fuck is going on?”

Justin could hear him only start to get out of bed and knew he wasn’t going fast enough. He grunted in frustration and dropped the binoculars. He ran to the bedroom, grabbed Brian, and dragged him back to the window. “I saw it! They were hiding a body! He was limp and had these marks all over him! I saw it Brian!”

“Not this again…” Brian rubbed his hand over his forehead and shook his head. “Justin, it’s nothing. It’s just a sex game. We did it ourselves once, remember? I tied you up and-.”

“No!!” Justin actually slammed his foot down. He grabbed the binoculars and forced them into Brian’s hands. “I remember, but that’s not what I saw. He was dead! I know it! He was pale and dead and they wrapped him up like they do in movies and they’re carrying him out! Hurry!”

Brian sighed and turned, making it very obvious that he was just humoring Justin. After looking through the window for a moment he began shaking his head. “There’s nothing going on. The light is off.  Again.”

“No! They already left! We have to call the police to stop them.” Justin started going for the phone but Brian reached out and looped an arm around his middle, stopping him in his tracks.

“Justin, stop. Listen to me, it wasn’t real. This is just like last time. It was…It was in your head.” Justin struggled, determined to call the police, but Brian’s hold was firm and strong.

“It wasn’t like last week. I was sleepy then and you’re right it wasn’t real. But it  _was_ real this time. I saw it, Brian. I know what I saw. Please…Please believe me. They killed someone. They did.” Justin spoke as imploringly as he could, looking right up into Brian’s eyes. He knew what he saw and he was determined to make Brian believe him.

Brian looked down at him for a long time, and then turned and grabbed the phone. Justin felt relief fill him and he returned to the window to see if he could see anything else happening.

“Justin, you realize that they are going to come here, right? Into the loft?” Brian reminded and Justin paused, because he hadn’t considered that. He stiffened and his first instinct was to ask Brian to call them back and tell them not to come.

But someone had just been murdered…Surely that was more important than his fears?

* * *

Brian knew this was a bad idea. He suspected this was another nightmare, but the look in Justin’s eyes seemed so…sure. He was inclined to believe him. That, and he didn’t want to think that Justin’s grasp on reality was slipping. So, after Justin was tucked away in the bedroom in preparation for the police’s arrival, he called up Alex.

“This isn’t going to start becoming a habit is it?” He asked in a tired voice.

“Get over here. Now.” Brian ordered, keeping his voice low.

“Brian? What’s going on? I don’t think it’d be a good idea for me to just show up. I promised Justin-.”

“Now.” Brian said again before hanging up the phone and putting it back on the stand. He shut his eyes and ran a hand through his hair before going to the bedroom to put on some clothes. He glanced by the window as he walked by, but even without the binoculars he could see the lights were still off.  There was no movement, and no sign that anything nefarious was going on.  He turned away swiftly before he could convince himself that this was all just an illusion.

He walked up the stairs and dressed quickly, looking at Justin who was kneeling on the bed.  He looked apprehensive and was staring at the loft door intently. He could only imagine what was going through the boy’s mind. As horrible as the thought of a murder was, he wanted to believe him when he said it had real. He didn’t want to consider what it would mean if it wasn’t.

Soon after, there was a knock on the door and Justin immediately tensed and covered his face with his hands as if he was a child and the police couldn’t see him if he couldn’t see them. “Stay calm, Justin. Okay? These are police officers. They aren’t going to hurt you. And I’m right here.” Brian reassured and after a shaky nod from Justin, he left the bedroom to go let them in.

When Brian slid the metal door open he was faced with two rather large men in cheap suits and even cheaper cologne; he immediately scowled in distaste. “Come on in.” Brian said, stepping aside to let them in.

“I’m Detective Carl Horvath. This is my partner, Detective Richard Wells.” The shorter and stockier of the two said and Brian nodded a bit.

“Brian Kinney. Aren’t you supposed to go over there first?” He asked, pointing his thumb towards the window.

“We needed more information. You didn’t give us an address.” Richard pointed out and Brian nodded slowly.

“Oh yeah. Well, I don’t know the apartment number. But I can point it out to you. Here.” He said and started walking to the window.

“Were you the one who witnessed the incident?” Carl asked and Brian paused and stiffened. He briefly considered lying and saying he was in order to save Justin from having to talk to them. But he couldn’t bring himself to lie about something so important.

“No. It was Justin my…My partner. He’s in there. He’s pretty shaken up though. Can’t I just tell you where-.” Brian had to stop because they’d already turned to go up into the bedroom where Justin remained huddled on the bed. “Hey, wait!” Brian demanded as he ran past them and jumped up the stairs. “Slow down he’s…” Brian paused because the detectives were giving him a strange look. He didn’t want to just say that Justin wasn’t stable, because he wanted to give the investigation a fair chance. But he had to warn them somehow that their presence was going to set off a reaction in the boy.

Before he had a chance to explain, Richard moved forward. “Son, can you tell us what you saw please?” He asked in a calm voice, but it didn’t matter because Justin had his ears covered and his eyes shut tight. “What’s going on?” He continued, glancing to Brian for an explanation.

“He was attacked a few months ago. He has a… _thing_  with people being in the loft.” Brian explained, knowing that this was going to end badly.

Brian watched them exchange a glance and knew it didn’t bode well. “He saw it. He sits at the window to watch people. It calms him down.” Brian explained because he may not believe Justin, but fuck these cops if they were going to judge his boy just because he has a problem with people. Surprisingly, his explanation seemed to work because Carl stepped back as if to give Justin space.  But it didn’t help.

Brian could see the first signs and moved to the bed in order to stop the panic-attack that he knew was coming, but he couldn’t. Justin went into a full-blown meltdown.  He was torn between going to comfort Justin and berating himself for letting this happen in the first place.  But Justin had seemed so sure of himself.  He had  _wanted_  to believe him.

“What’s going on?”  Alex’s voice pipped up from behind him before he could decide on what to do to solve the problem. 

Brian and the detectives turned swiftly.  Carl walked up to Alex with a frown on his face.

“Who are you?”  He demanded and Brian scowled, his tone wasn’t helping Justin calm down any.

“Alex Wilder.  I’m Justin’s psychologist.”  He said, smoothly reaching into his wallet and pulling out his card.  “Who are you?”  He asked just as arrogantly despite his rumpled appearance.

“We’re with Homicide.”  Carl said, flipping his badge and Alex’s eyes grew wide.

“Homicide?  What?!”  Alex looked to Brian for explanation, but Brian was at a loss of what to do anymore.  He shrugged weakly and shook his head.  He ran a hand over his face and slumped onto the bed to hold Justin.  That was all he could do.

“This young man said he witnessed a murder across the street.”  Carl said and Alex tilted his head a bit and glanced to the window.

Alex shook his head slowly and then turned to Brian with a look of disapproval.  “You shouldn’t have called the police, Brian.”  He chastised lightly.

“He said he saw it, Alex.  He was wide awake and…” Brian trailed off slowly.  He tightened his hold on Justin who had thankfully stopped howling, but was still crying profusely into his shirt.

“This boy isn’t stable.”  Carl said, not without sympathy in his voice.  Still, he was frowning and Brian didn’t like the look he flashed Justin as he began packing his things up.  “You’re saying he made this up?”  He asked Alex and the doctor nodded.

“It wouldn’t be the first time.”  He said honestly.

“No…”  Justin suddenly spoke, and Brian felt his head shaking back and forth viciously.  “I saw it…Saw it…Know I saw it…”

“Shhhh…”  Brian urged as he pulled Justin’s head in against his chest and tried rocking him back and forth.

Carl and Robert both sighed heavily.  “This is clearly a false alarm.  Please don’t call us like this again.  We don’t have time to waste.”  He and Robert then swiftly left leaving Brian to look helplessly at Alex.

“He said he saw it.”  He offered but Alex just shook his head.

“It’s real to him, Brian.  But you can’t-.”

“It WAS real!”  Justin shouted as he broke free of Brian’s hold.  He seemed to be a bit calmer now that the police were gone, but Brian noticed that Justin positioned him between himself and Alex.  “I saw it!  I saw it!  He had red rings around his arms and legs and neck and he was pale and they were moving him around like a rag doll!”

“Justin-.”  Brian reached out to try and calm him again but Justin roughly pushed him away.  Brian stumbled off the step of the bed and held his hands up to give Justin the room he clearly desired.  However, he made sure he was still between Justin and Alex.

“I’m not crazy!  I’m not.  I know what I saw!  It was real!  It was.  I know it.  I know it.  But you don’t believe me!  Why don’t you believe me?!”  Justin slammed his hands onto the bed and Brian was grateful he wasn’t on the floor because his hand had taken enough abuse and didn’t need any more added to it. 

Brian watched helplessly as Justin continued insisting that he wasn’t crazy.  Normally Justin wanted him to hold during episodes like this, but he’d made it clear that he wasn’t wanted, so he didn’t know what to do with himself.  He was once again a bystander…Once again helpless.

It made a hard knot form in his stomach as he watched his partner scream and scream until he fell asleep. 

The silence was eerie and in his mind he could still hear an echo of Justin’s screams.   _‘I’m not crazy.  I’m not crazy.’_  

Was he though…?

Brian didn’t know what to think anymore.  He recalled the look in Justin’s eyes before as he pleaded with Brian to believe him.  He had seemed normal – he didn’t look wild-eyed or insane.  He didn’t even look tired like he had the last time he thought something had happened.  He seemed almost like his old self again.

“Brian…”  Alex said suddenly and Brian jumped, the sudden voice in the silence setting him on alert.  He turned slowly, not wanting to look away from Justin’s troubled and sleeping form.  Alex jerked his head to the side and he followed the man to the living room.  Though he doubted that they could wake Justin no matter how loudly they spoke after how much screaming he just did.

They came to sit on the couch and Brian ended up slumped with his elbows on his knees.  Alex shifted a few times, trying to find a comfortable spot.  Brian suspected it was because the cushion had morphed due to Justin’s knees being dug into it all day.  Eventually the doctor settled and looked towards him.

“Brian…Justin is worse than I thought.”  Alex said gently, very obviously trying to keep his voice even.

He closed his eyes because somehow he knew that was what Alex was going to say, but it still hurt to hear.  His stomach rolled and his chest constricted. 

“I know.”  Brian answered as he slowly leaned back against the couch and let his head rest on the top of the cushion.  His hands flopped to his side uselessly.  He didn’t know what to do, or think, or say. 

Had it only been in Justin’s head?  Is it something he could fix?  Is it something anyone could fix? 

“I think he needs to…”  Alex sighed sadly.  “I’m sorry but he needs supervision, Brian.  With these kinds of hallucinations he could be a danger to himself.”

“I’m here to watch him all the time.”  Brian defended immediately.  He knew Alex was right, and it would be best to send Justin somewhere with people who knew what they were doing.  But…He couldn’t.  He couldn’t send him away.  The very idea seemed preposterous.

“But how long can you do that, Brian?  What about your job?  Or your friends?  Or your social life?  You can’t watch him all of the time.  As cold as it sounds to him, you have your own life to live.”  Alex said, shifting so he was looking more directly at Brian.

“None of that matters.”  Brian waved a hand dismissively, fully meaning what he said.  He was the reason Justin was attacked, that meant it was his job to get him well again and nothing else mattered.  Nothing.  If it weren’t for him Justin would still be the smiling, happy boy he was when they first met.

“But it does.  I’m not saying that you have to cut him out of your life.  God knows the kid loves you.  I can just see that it isn’t working like this.  I…If it were someone else, I would call the state.  Because you’re a friend I won’t.  But I have to ask you to think about other options here; for your sake and for his.” Alex finished imploringly and then stood. “I am going to go. Think about what I said. And call me if you need me.”

Brian nodded, but didn’t stand to see him out. He was still trying to process everything that was happening. He vaguely felt Alex’s hand on his shoulder before the doctor walked out of the loft, closing the door behind him. Brian sat there on the couch all night, wondering if Alex was right and Justin was better off in some sort of institution.

* * *

As Carl left the apartment building his eyes trailed over to the one directly across the street. He couldn’t help but feel that he wasn’t performing his job to the fullest if he brushed off such an accusation, no matter how unstable the accuser might be. He was stared at it for some time before Robert jostled his shoulder.

“Come on. You saw that kid, he wasn’t right in the head.” His partner said and Carl nodded, but kept his eyes on the building.

He agreed; the boy, Justin, clearly had some issues. But even crazy people could be sane sometimes. And he seemed so upset about something…His heart went out to the kid. It must be hard to live like that – he didn’t think he could do it.

Had he known exactly what apartment to go check out, Carl might have actually gone over there. But his partner wanted to get back to the station, and all he had to go on was the word of a crazy person. So, he got back in the car and drove away.

 


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning Justin determinedly split his time between staring at the apartment, and futilely trying to use his left hand to sketch an image of the three people – the two murderers and the hustler. Though he was ambidextrous, his right hand had always been the one he used to draw, so the images were coming out a little off-balance and jerky.  Still, he figured they were pretty good, and definitely recognizable images.

It was a long process as every few seconds he’d raise his gaze to see if he could find any movement in the other apartment, but it had been empty all day. And that was the most frightening bit.  It seemed that at some point in the night the two men had gone back in and taken all of their things.  It made Justin certain that he had in fact witnessed a murder last night and he wasn’t crazy.

He would still have to convince Brian and the police of that, though.

Justin scowled as he turned down to the page once more, trying to add some shading under the hustler’s chin to show the cleft that he had, but his untrained hand pushed too hard and it came out more as a solid line. He tried to use his pinky to shade it out, but had to resort to erasing it and trying again.

He heard movement coming from the bedroom, but he didn’t turn from his task. Even when he heard Brian very slowly and tentatively move closer to him.  He seemed to be hyper-aware of the man, but nothing could distract him from his task.  If no one was going to help him, he’d help himself.

“Have you been up for long?” Brian asked him, coming to sit on the couch.  Justin lifted the pencil so the slight jostling didn’t disrupt the drawing; he’d put too much work into it to mess up again.  He didn’t answer him, as he was too focused and slightly angry at him. 

Brian had acted like he believed him, but then the second someone else came around Brian turned on him in an instant. But that was fine.  If Brian didn’t believe him he’d just have to figure out a way to solve this on his own…without leaving the loft, and without talking to anyone.  He was sure he’d figure it out – he had scored a 1500 on his SATs after all, he was smart enough to do this.

“What so you’re ignoring me now?” Brian asked, moving closer and Justin tightened his frown and bent his head closer to the page.  “Justin…”

He felt Brian’s hand on his knee and he sighed. Apparently he wasn’t going to be left alone despite how clearly he was sending his message.  Silently, he looked up and locked eyes with Brian, letting his disappointment shine.  “I know what I saw.”  Justin stated clearly before turning back down to his sketchbook and continuing his work.

“I believe that you think you saw it-.”

“Why’d you call the police if you didn’t believe me? You did, until they came.  Then all of a sudden I’m just the crazy kid who makes things up in his head.”  Justin muttered angrily, then silently cursed as his anger made him mark up the page.  He went about erasing it, hoping it wasn’t too obvious.  “They moved out last night.”  He added smugly.

“What?”

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Brian sit up straighter and look at him.

“They moved out. Took all their things and just disappeared.  Seems pretty strange if you ask me.”  Justin muttered, trying to hide a smirk, but he knew he didn’t succeed.  He stopped sketching when Brian turned around on the couch and grabbed the binoculars that were sitting on the windowsill.  He watched him peer through the window and then leaned back when he obviously saw that Justin was telling the truth.

“That is strange.” He agreed slowly and sat back against the couch the right way.

Justin decided that maybe he’d been a bit harsh on Brian – the man had dropped everything for him, after all. He set the sketch book aside and inched closer.  “I’m not crazy, Brian.”  He stated very clearly.  Brian looked at him for a long time and then nodded.

“I didn’t say you were.” He said and then reached for the sketchbook himself.  He flipped it open to the images of the three men and his finger hovered over their faces.  Justin then watched as Brian stood suddenly and moved over to the desk where he made a few copies of the sketches.  Justin frowned slightly because he wasn’t done with them, but he said nothing.  They were probably as good as they were going to get anyways.  He had to remind himself that he wasn’t going to be up to his regular standards and he should just take what he could get.

“What are you going to do?” He asked as Brian took the copies and walked back to give him back his book.

“If we want the cops to believe there was a murder, we have to first find a body. We need to figure out who that hustler was and if he’s still missing.”  Brian walked to the bedroom and started to change. Justin watched him and then suddenly stood.

“Hey. So you believe me again?” He asked and watched Brian sigh and slump his shoulders in the bedroom.

“Justin…” Brian spoke in that tone that he used to use  _before_. That tone that said he was on thin ice and he didn’t want to continue the conversation. But that was before, and this was now. He’d just watched someone die and he didn’t care if Brian didn’t want to talk about it.

“Tell me.” He demanded, walking up to the bedroom himself. He walked in front of Brian and tried to reach into whatever was left of the ‘Old Justin’. He stood straight with his hands on his hips. Though his right was curled up in a painful ball, he still thought he looked somewhat imposing. “Do you think I’m crazy or not?”

“No. I don’t. I think you’re right, okay?” Brian said and then brushed by him to the closet where he began to change.

Justin nodded once, vindicated, and then sat down on the edge of the bed as he watched.   “What are you going to do?”

“Hit a few spots where hustlers tend to gather. Show them the picture and see if any of them know the guy.” He said as he slid on a pair of jeans. Justin nodded a few times, wishing he could help, but not knowing how. He supposed he did draw the picture, and that had to count for something, but part of him itched to go out with Brian.

And then he nearly gasped because that was the first time since the attack that he had any desire to leave the loft and go outside. He couldn’t – he knew that – but he still felt it was significant that part of him wanted to.

Brian was walking by and seemed to notice the look on his face. Without even asking he approached him and put his hands on his shoulders. “I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry.” He assured and pressed a kiss on the bridge of Justin’s nose.

“Okay…” Justin answered and then watched as Brian collected the rest of his things and left.

* * *

Several hours later and Brian was beginning to feel discouraged.  He’d gone to almost every spot where he knew hustlers gathered but none of them had recognized any of the people in Justin’s drawing.  He knew Pittsburgh was a big city, but the gay community, especially the hustler community, was much smaller.

He almost wanted to tear up the paper he carried around with him out of frustration.  Someone had to recognize him in the entire city, he wasn’t no one.  If only he could get a name and someone to verify that he was in fact missing.  Then, he might not be able to convince the police of a murder, but he could at least start a missing person case and that was better than nothing.

He was driving back to the loft and wondering how to give Justin the bad news when a thought struck him.  He could stop by the other building and speak with Harold and the Cleavers.  They had to know something.  Sure, the two men had been there for only a short time, but they had to have seen something and maybe even gotten their names.

So, he pulled into his spot, jogged across the street and up the stairs.  He had been looking across the street so often that he didn’t need to know their apartment numbers to know who lived where.  He simply counted their position from the outside of the building and stopped when he came to the Cleavers.

He glanced down at the sketch once more and then at the door.  He could hear arguing inside and shook his head.  It reminded him of his parents and why marriage was a complete crock of shit.  He knocked loudly to be heard and the shouting immediately stopped.  He rolled his eyes and waited a few seconds for the door to swing open.  Ward had opened it, but Brian could hear June in the background crying softly.  He didn’t have much sympathy for her; she was having her own affair and whatever pain she was going through she probably deserved.

“What do you want?”  Ward asked abruptly and Brian got straight to the point by holding up the copy of the sketch.

“I’m looking for this kid.  He was last seen with these two men who live next door to you.  Do you know anything that might help?”  He asked and the man scrunched up his once-broken nose in disgust.

“You mean those two fags?  Disgusting…”  He muttered and went to shut the door on Brian.  However, Brian was not so easily gotten rid of – he’d learned from Justin how to be a persistent little shit.  He stuck his foot in the door and pressed the paper near the man’s face.

“Please.  We think he’s been killed.  Can you at least tell me their names?”  He asked and Ward shook his head

“Good riddance.”  He spitefully ground through his teeth before shoving Brian out the door and slamming it shut.

Brian glared a bit and shook his head.  “Well I’m glad your wife is fucking someone else!”  He said, loudly enough to be heard through the door.  He shook his head and turned to walk two doors down to Harold’s apartment. He paused outside the middle door, wondering what had gone in there last night.

It seemed like such a whirlwind to think about. So much had happened in so short a time. Part of him still doubted that what Justin saw really happened. But a much larger part did believe him. Why else would those two men pick up and move everything in the middle of the night?

More importantly, despite Alex’s warning, he couldn’t accept that Justin had been permanently harmed and needed constant supervision. He had to believe that one day the boy would be better and their lives would go back to normal.  He missed the old Justin – as annoying as he was, he had really grown on him.

He walked on and arrived at Harold’s door. He gave three strong knocks and waited. There was no screaming behind this door, but he’d seen Harold enough times to know that June was the only other person he saw. He didn’t know who he felt worse for, Harold or the Cleavers.

Harold opened the door and looked at Brian with confusion. “Can I help you?” He asked, far kinder than Ward had been.

“I’m looking for someone. He was last seen with the two people who lived next door.” Brian explained as he held up the sketch.

Harold took it and looked down at the drawing. “I saw him once, but I don’t know his name.” He said honestly and Brian frowned, even if that had been the answer he had suspected.

“Is there anything you can remember? Did you hear him say anything?” Brian asked, but Harold shook his head.

“No. Sorry. I was leaving as they got in one night. That was all I saw.” He answered and offered the piece of paper back to Brian. “Sorry.” He added before he turned into his apartment again.

Brian slumped a little as the door shut quietly. He turned and slowly walked back to the loft wondering what he could do or say now. They had nothing. No leads, no body, not even a name. How could no one know who that hustler was? He had to be someone.

He rode up the elevator to the loft and slid open the door to see Justin at the window, eyes trained across the street. “How did it go?” He asked and Brian shut and locked the door. He set the paper down on the counter and walked over to Justin.

“Not good. No one knows this guy. If the hustlers did know him, they weren’t talking.” He added as he collapsed onto the cushion next to Justin. He leaned his head back and looked up at the ceiling with a frown. “This doesn’t bode well, Sunshine. If we can’t even get someone to give us a name the cops won’t do a goddamn thing.” He said as he turned his head slightly to look at Justin.

Justin shifted so he was kneeling towards him and put his hand on his shoulder. “I know it happened, Brian.”

He knew it was important that Justin continued to insist he was sane and what he had witnessed had actually happened. Justin, like Alex had theorized, needed his approval. The boy hadn’t cared if Alex or the cops thought he was crazy beyond the fact that the murder would go overlooked. But with him, Justin  _needed_  him to know.

He looked into Justin’s clear blue eyes, struck by their stark beauty and clarity.

“I believe you.” He answered, raising a hand to cup Justin’s face. “We’ll figure this out. I promise.”

If Justin needed his approval, he had it. He let the boy down once, and he’d die before he let it happen again.

* * *

Hunter had seen that sleek, black SUV again today, but there had been no sign of Jason anywhere. He had never come back to the warehouse last night and that had never happened in the near month that Jason had been living there.  Even when the guy had been beaten black and blue he managed to make it home.  So, Hunter feared the worst.

He didn’t even want to think about what could have happened to him, but he wasn’t going to take his chances. He was getting the hell out of there.

It had taken him all of five minutes to pack up his meager belongings. They all fit in a single backpack, with a few bundles of cash strategically hidden in different parts of his body.  It had only taken one mugging for him to learn not to keep it all in the same place.  He didn’t say goodbye to anyone, though had Jason been there he probably would have tried to convince him to come along.  The others, though, were just as selfish as he was and he didn’t owe them a thing.  He had himself to look after.

So, around the middle of the day when he should have been out looking for Johns, he was strolling the streets out of the industrial area. First he moved closer to Liberty Ave.  That was a prime location and one he’d always been a bit jealous of.  But the hustlers that already worked in that area were fiercely protective of their spot – understandably so.  Hunter barely got on the street before receiving threatening looks from the others.  He decided to keep moving before they tried to force him to leave.

He stopped for a quick lunch at a small diner he’d been to a few times before. The waitress was boisterous and loud, but she was pretty cool, he had to admit.  Seeming to sense that he was hungry, she gave him an extra order of fries for free and offered him kind smile the entire time he was there.  She seemed like she’d be a good mom, but he wouldn’t have any idea what that was like himself.  When he was done eating he carried on out of the area.

He tried most of the other commonly frequented spots in Pittsburgh, but no one would welcome him in. Hunter was beginning to get frustrated.  At least in the industrial district newcomers were welcome, but he’d forgotten how everyone else in the city seemed to claim ownership over every strip of sidewalk.  He was started to wonder if he just might be better off by going back and keeping an open eye for those two men.

Then he started getting closer to the multiple colleges in the city and the hustlers seemed to disappear. It wasn’t a desirable area because most everyone there were poor, horny, students who didn’t need to pay anyone for sex.  But Hunter would rather take his chances here than go back and disappear like Jason.


	10. Chapter 10

**The Next Day.**

Surprisingly, Brian had experience breaking into places.  As a teenager he had often broken into the school early in order to escape his toxic home life.  It was one of the reasons he was able to maintain such good grades.  He’d come in early and wouldn’t leave until they kicked him out late in the evening.

So, he wasn’t completely helpless as he approached the apartment across the street.  In his hands he held a small set of tools that he’d borrowed from an acquaintance and he glanced up and down the hallway to make sure it was clear.  He then knelt down in front of the handle and went to work. 

He knew that breaking in wasn’t the best idea, but he believed Justin and needed to get evidence for the police to take them seriously.  How else was he supposed to do that without going to the scene of the crime?  He took out his set of tools, slipped them into the keyhole, and began working the picks around.  It had been a long time since he’d put this skill to use, so it took him some time to get the feel for it again.

He cast another worried glance up and down the hallway before bending his head to continue.  He finally heard the lock click into place after toying with it for nearly five minutes.  He then pushed the door open and stood back up to his feet.  He slid inside carefully, hugging his back to the wall, and then shut the door behind him. 

Brian looked around the apartment in an almost surreal sense.  He’d been peering in here for a few weeks now, but it felt like an entirely new place now that he was actually inside.  He walked over to the window and looked across the street to the loft where he could see Justin anxiously looking out the window at him.  He offered the boy a wave to let him know he was alright, and waited until he waved back before turning to face the apartment again.

Brian moved towards the kitchen and began looking around.  Almost all of the furniture was gone but a table and some chairs remained, as well as some plates and dishes.  They didn’t look like they were worth much so that must have been why they were left behind.  He opened up some cupboards, looking for anything that might give him some hints, even their names.

After coming up empty handed in the kitchen he walked back across the open living room to the bedroom.  There was still a bed in there, but it was bare of sheets or pillows.  It was merely a mattress lying on a poor set of metal frames. 

He bent down and looked under the bed, but he couldn’t find anything underneath.  Absolutely nothing…which was odd.  There wasn’t even dust.  He ran his hand underneath the wood floor and pulled it back to see his fingers were clean.  They must have meticulously cleaned it. 

He stood back up and rubbed his fingers against his pants to get rid of the imaginary dust.  He then looked in the closet but couldn’t find anything in there either.  No dust to be seen.  Brian opened the bathrooms and the spare room, but could find absolutely nothing.  He shook his head slowly and frowned.  He was going to go back to the kitchen but felt his phone buzzing in his pocket.

He languidly pulled it out, not surprised to see it was Justin who was calling.  “I haven’t found anythi-.”

“They’re coming up!  They’re coming up to the apartment!”  Justin exclaimed on the other side and Brian’s heart stopped beating.

“Fuck!”  He exclaimed before snapping the phone shut and moving swiftly for the door.  He turned the lock on the handle and shut the door behind him.  He then tried to walk as calmly as possible but he could hear people moving towards him and it made him start to panic.  He kept his face blank and purposefully kept his stride slow and even.

He passed them as he walked down the stairs.  They didn’t even acknowledge him, but Brian felt his entire body tense knowing he was walking by two men who had just killed somebody.  He kept walking as calmly as he could until there was an entire flight of stairs between them, and then he ran out of the building and back across the street.

He didn’t stop until he was back up the four flights of stairs and in the loft.  He slid the door shut behind him and quickly locked it up.  Not a second later Justin collided into him and clung onto him so tightly his chest ached.  “Hey…hey hey…I’m alright.”  He said, holding onto Justin securely and rubbing his back.

“I saw them coming up and I thought they’d kill you and-.”

“Shhh…”  Brian urged, sensing Justin was near hysteria.  He put his hand over his head and ran his fingers through Justin’s hair.  “I’m alright.  They didn’t even look at me.”  He assured and could feel Justin quivering in his arms. 

“Can’t lose you…Can’t lose you…”  Justin murmured over and over into his shirt.  Brian pulled back a few inches and then bent a bit so he was even with Justin and look into his eyes.  He cupped Justin’s face in his hands and looked at him very seriously.

“You need to calm down.”  He said very evenly, hoping his calm rubbed off on Justin to stop him from hyperventilating.  Justin’s breaths were jerky, but he started to slow down so Brian knew he was getting through to him.  Brian took in deep breaths as well to help him get into a rhythm and then smiled once he seemed to settle for good.  “There you go.”  He said softly and kissed his forehead.  “You good?”  He asked and Justin nodded again, offering a shaky smile.

“Good.  I’m going to head out again.  They cleaned everything, Sunshine.  Every inch of that apartment was scrubbed clean and that’s just not normal.”  Brian said, moving back to the desk to pick up some more of the copies he’d made of Justin’s sketches.

“You mean like…covering it up?”  Justin asked slowly as he moved over as well, as if he was nervous being only a few feet from him.

Brian nodded quickly as he folded up a copy and stuck it in his jacket pocket.  “I’m going to go find some more hustlers.  Someone has to know who this kid is.”

Justin nodded slowly and then bit his bottom lip.  “Be careful, okay?”  He asked softly and Brian flashed him a smile.

“You know me, Sunshine.  I can take care of myself.”  He assured before bending to capture Justin’s lips in his own.  When he broke away Justin seemed much better so he pecked him on the tip of his nose and turned to leave.  “Call me if you need something.  I’ll be back soon.”  He promised and then turned and left; determined more than ever to make those two men pay for what they’d done.

* * *

Carl Horvath let out a small burp as he shifted in his chair and flipped through the next page in the report he was writing up.  He was frowning; his office was too hot, and he couldn’t seem to get comfortable in the chair that might possibly be older than he was.  He burped again, regretting eating the tomato-pesto sandwich he’d had for lunch as it was giving him heartburn and left a stain on his shirt.

The only good thing was that the paperwork was light.  He was merely writing his report from the fake call he received from that kid.  He wondered what was wrong with him, but was still annoyed that he had to go out in the middle of the night for a false alarm.  He couldn’t help but remember the look of desperation in the boy’s eyes – the fear.

They were haunting.

He took a break from the short report to lean back in his chair and think about the call some more.  Logically, it seemed fake – just a mentally unstable person thinking they were seeing something that wasn’t really there.  He’d been on the force long enough to have seen all kinds of crazy; but the boy –  _Justin_ – didn’t seem like others.  His instinct told him there was something more going on here.

But what could he do?  He had no body, no missing person, and only the word of a person whose own therapist doesn’t believe him.

Carl ran a hand through his slightly sweaty hair and shook his head.  He was getting worked up over nothing. He looked back down at the report again and picked up his pen to get back to work before he heard a round of clapping and exclamations from outside his office. Curious, he stood up, walked over to the door and peeked it open to see all of the officers and detectives standing near the chief’s office.

He moved forward and walked over, nudging one of the uniformed officers nearby. “What’s going on?” He asked, seeing the chief and his partner getting pats on the back.

“Stockwell and Rikert are retiring.” The officer answered, still clapping in congratulations.

Carl raised his eyes brows in shock, but then nodded and turned back to the office. Their retirement was coming out of nowhere, but both men had been on the force for decades – they’d earned it. Besides, there were rumors Stockwell was planning on running for mayor soon, apparently sooner than he thought.  He shut his door once more, wanting to concentrate on the reports he was writing. However, he made a note to congratulate both men later, when he had the time.

He grunted as he sat back in his chair. He picked up the pen and got back to work.

* * *

Brian sighed as he slid into a booth and immediately leaned his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands. The diner wasn’t very busy – it was between the lunch and dinner rush. He slid the copy of the drawing onto the table and wondered what he was going to do to figure out who these guys were.  He didn’t really have a plan, but he didn’t want to go back to the loft empty-handed.

“What’s that?” Debbie asked, grabbing the paper and sliding it over so she could look at it. “Hey, did Sunshine draw this?” She asked, excitedly slapping his shoulder. “This is pretty good. It’s not like his old stuff but if he can still-.”

“ _Before,_  this would have taken him all of five minutes. He spent over an hour working on this with his left hand because he  _still_  refuses to do his PT.” Brian muttered, rubbing his eyes before straightening up and looking at her. “Coffee, please.” Brian said and Debbie nodded, but took the paper with her as she went to get a pot for him.

Brian leaned back on the booth and exhaled heavily. He had spent several more hours pounding the streets hoping to find some hustlers who recognized the boy, but no one had. He reached over to flip over the menu out of habit, even though he’d had everything at the diner memorized for a decade now. He scanned down at the items and thought about what Justin might want so he could take some food home for him.

“You sure you know that kid?”

Debbie’s voice was loud and obnoxious, easily heard in the diner even when it was full and busy. Brian turned swiftly and looked to see her pointing at the copy to someone sitting at the counter. Brian stood abruptly and walked over to look at who she was talking to. A young boy, in his teens and probably a hustler. “You know him?” He asked, leaning over the counter.

The kid nodded. “Yeah. He was pretty new. Only around for a few weeks.” He pulled the paper closer to him and pointed to the hustler in the drawing. “Didn’t know his name, though. Hunter might. They hung out quite a bit.” He said, greedily biting into the burger on his plate.

“Hunter? Who’s Hunter?” Brian asked, glancing to Debbie who gave a shrug of her shoulders.

“He works in the Industrial district. Or did. I haven’t seen him around for a few days.” He explained through a mouth full of food. As he swallowed he reached for the glass of soda and gulped it down.

“Well do you know where he went?” He asked and the kid shook his head.

“Nope. I think he skipped down after this guy went missing.” He added, pushing the paper closer to him.

“Hmm…” Brian murmured, picking up the copy. He looked down at the drawing and shrugged. At least he had a name to go on. “Thanks.” He said and pulled out his wallet. He slapped down enough money to pay for the kid’s lunch and then kissed Debbie on the cheek. “Later, Ma.”

“Hey wait!” She called, grabbing his arm. “What’s all this with a missing person?” She asked but Brian waved her off.

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” Brian said swiftly and continued to leave.

“Be careful! And tell Justin ‘hi’ for me!” She waved and Brian nodded as he left the diner with a jingle of the bell. He walked to his jeep and then began driving home. At least he finally had good news to give to Justin.

It didn’t take him long to get back home, even after he stopped at a fast food joint and got some food for them. He found Justin nervously pacing in the living room. “Hey.” He said, holding up the bag. “I brought food.” He proclaimed and set it on the counter.

Justin rushed over to him again but spared him from crushing his ribs. “How did it go? Did you find anything?” He asked, his eyes wide and begging for information. Before answering he watched Justin dig into the bag and pulled out the burger and fries that he’d bought.

“I got a name. Not his but I got a name.” Brian said, pulling the copy out. “Apparently, another hustler named Hunter knows him. So now I just have to find him.” He said, trying to sound optimistic.

Justin nodded as he took a big bite, looking every bit like the hustler at the diner. It rubbed Brian the wrong way and he shook the thought from his head swiftly. “Anyways, I’ll look around for this Hunter kid. I’m sure now that I have a name it’ll be easy. Then, once I find him, we’ll get to the bottom of this. Okay?”

Justin nodded, and finished chewing before looking up at him. “Hunter, huh?”

“Yup.”  Brian answered simply, digging into the bag to find the plastic bowl of salad he had ordered for himself. 

“I wonder where he is.”

* * *

 

Even though he was still technically a high schooler, Hunter blended in with the college students extremely well.  He was able to get a lot of free stuff on the campus that way.  He’d find events or parties and just show up.  People would give him things.  It worked out really well.  He was also able to find some clients.  And the boost in free food and gifts he’d received helped supplement the less money he made.  And it was still summer; he knew things would only get better once the school got back on a regular schedule.

Currently, he was sitting at on a bench in a courtyard at the university, munching on a sandwich he was given from a booth seeking new members for their Mock Trial club.  He’d never understood those pointless clubs, and he’d never had an opportunity to join one either.  He doubted he would want to, even given the chance.

He licked his fingers as some of the mayonnaise slid out of the bread and smiled at the guilty pleasure he got from eating it.  He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wooden bench. 

Things weren’t as bad here as he thought they’d be.  He wiped at his chin and took the last bite with a bit of regret.  He wanted to enjoy it longer, but was glad to have a full stomach with no cost to himself.  He wiped his hands on his jeans and then looked around.  It was beginning to get dark, and most of the students had gone home for the night.  There were still some darting around the campus, but their numbers were few and far between.  Hunter knew he’d have to get a move on himself soon, or else someone might suspect something.

He stood, hooked his backpack onto his shoulder, and began walking out of the park.  He would wander around for a short time, try to find someone to pick up, and then return to the small shack he’d been calling home for the past few days.

It wasn’t much, far less than the abandoned warehouse he had lived in before.  It was just the supply shack for the gardeners.  There were some fertilizer and seed sacks that he pushed together for a bed.  Being summer, it was warm and he didn’t need more than his jacket to keep away the night chill.  He was naturally an early riser, it prevented other hustlers from stealing his things, so he was always gone by the time the gardeners came.

As the sun set Hunter stopped by a coffee shop where he had had some luck picking up some students.  He slid inside and figured if nothing else, he might be able to convince someone to buy him a coffee.  He scanned the room and his eyes fell upon the jackpot; a professor.  A pretty hot one too. 

Hunter smirked and walked sexily over to him as he sat on a table in the corner, typing with fervor on a laptop.  He pulled out the chair across from him and sat down, instantly reaching over to stroke his arm.  “Hey.  Want to get out of here?”  He asked with a wink.

He’d never been answered with laughter before.  He didn’t like the way it felt.

The man shook his head and pulled his arm back.  “Thanks, but I’m busy grading.”  He said, motioning to a stack of papers.  Hunter watched him chuckle to himself and then duck his head back down to work, but he didn’t like taking no for an answer, so he leaned over again.

“Come on.  Only fifty extra for bare-backing.”  He said and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

The professor gave him a long, hard, serious look that unnerved him.  The man was silent for a long time before shaking his head sadly.  “There’s no price that should make that acceptable.”  He murmured and then once more looked down at his papers.

Hunter wrinkled his brow in offense.  “Well excuse fucking me for trying to make a living, dude.  Whatever…”  He grumbled, mostly disappointed that he’d miss out on a good client.  He pushed away from the table and began to walk away, but his arm was grabbed.  Thinking he’d made him change his mind, he turned and cocked a hip to one side.  “Come on.  Take me to your office.  Have your way with me.”

“It isn’t a good idea to hustle around the university.  There are police on grounds all the time.”  The professor said instead. 

Hunter sighed and rolled his eyes.  He pulled free and shook his head.  “I can handle myself, okay?”  He muttered.

“Here.  Take this.  If you need something, call me.”  The professor said and reached into his wallet to pull out a business card.  Hunter took it, more out of habit than anything.  He looked down and read the name.

_‘Ben Bruckner.’_   He thought, and then slid it into his pocket.  “Fine.  Whatever.  See ya.”  He said and turned again.  This time he wasn’t stopped.  He had no intention of calling him if he didn’t want to pay up.


	11. Chapter 11

**A Few Days Later.**

Brian frowned as he watched Justin at the window.  The past few days had been rough; filled with nightmares, meltdowns, and screaming.  As he continued to come up empty handed in his search for Hunter, Justin slipped further and further back down into the depression he’d worked so hard to pull him from.  It was hard to see him go back on all the progress he’d made.  It was as if Justin didn’t even feel safe in their loft anymore, and he didn’t know what to do about it.

Now, Justin was back to listlessly staring out the window - rarely speaking, and rarely eating.  Brian couldn’t even bribe him to do his PT anymore.  He had to move Justin’s hand for him and nothing got accomplished.  He only did it to make sure Justin remained in the habit so when he broke free of this funk he’d be able to jump right back in.

Brian crossed his arms over his chest and leaned his hip against the kitchen counter.  He glanced to the pot of boiling water and stirred the pasta a bit.  He normally wouldn’t cook, but they’d been eating out so much lately that even he was getting sick of it.  He decided they both deserved a home cooked meal and he had watched Justin cook enough before to remember some basics. 

He heard Justin sigh and turned his attention back over to the boy.  He felt helpless once more.  Initially, when Justin had witnessed the murder, he seemed invigorated with the same kind of determination he had when he pursued him a year ago.  Relentless, single-minded, and dedicated.  Now, it seemed like his fear was resurfacing and he was sinking back into that hole.

Watching that brief spark of his old Justin fade away hurt more than he could say.  He didn’t care about anyone as much as he did Justin, and he was starting to realize that it wasn’t just out of guilt, either.  Guilt didn’t make a person feel the way he felt.  It wasn’t a huge revelation – he’d known that Justin was important to him since before the bashing – but it was surprising to realize his actions after the bashing had more to do with genuine concern than guilt.

He rolled his lips into his mouth, unsure of what he was supposed to do with the knowledge.  He stirred the pot again and then reached into the pantry for a jar of pasta sauce.  “Is alfredo okay?”  He called out, grabbing a white jar.  Justin reacted poorly to tomato based sauces, so he didn’t buy any, but he still felt he deserved a say in what they ate.  Sometimes Justin would surprise him and ask for something he knew would make him sick just because he liked it so much.

Justin didn’t answer and Brian shook his head.  It was going to be one of those nights.  He would probably have to try and force the food down the boy just get some nutrients in him.  He set the jar down on the counter without opening it and walked across the living room to the couch.

Brian sat down next to Justin and reached a hand to run down his back slowly.  “Hey.”  He said, glancing to the binoculars on the windowsill.  Justin didn’t even seem to care about them anymore either. 

Justin turned to him and lifted an eyebrow.  Brian moved his hand up to his back and then had it rest on the soft curve of his neck.  “Did you hear me?”  He asked and motioned his head back to the kitchen.  “Is alfredo sauce okay?”  He repeated.

“Sure…”  Justin murmured flatly with a shrug.  He turned back to the window and looked out some more.  Brian turned his hand to latch onto Justin’s chin and turned him back to face him.

“Hey.  Don’t get down.  We’ll find him.”  Brian wished he could promise Justin that everything was going to be alright, but he couldn’t.  It had been days since they had even seen the murderers, and Brian had no idea where to find this ‘Hunter’.  But one of them had to stay optimistic, and it had to be him.  If he let Justin give in he feared he’d lose the boy forever; that wasn’t something he was willing to let happen.

Justin looked at him for a long moment and then nodded slowly as he turned back to the window.  “Yeah.  Okay.”  He said evenly.  “If you say so.” 

There wasn’t a hint of sarcasm in Justin’s tone, but Brian was certain it was sarcastic.  He sighed, and leaned in to kiss the side of Justin’s head. “I need to stop by Mikey’s after dinner.” He said, not even bothering to ask if Justin wanted to come along. He knew what the answer would be. He didn’t receive a response, so he just walked back to the kitchen.  He tried not to think too much about Justin’s worsening condition.  He  _would_ find Hunter, and when he did Justin would get back to his normal self.  He had to believe that.

* * *

Hunter was washing off after a job in the locker room showers of the gym at the university.  He did it clinically, noting some bruises and marks that weren’t there before.  He didn’t care, it wouldn’t have been the first time.  But it did remind him of Jason, and how rough he’d been beaten by those two men.  He shuddered as he remembered how battered the kid’s body had been.

He paused from scrubbing himself and then leaned against the cold tiles of the shower. He knew in his heart Jason was dead.  And if he ever saw those two men again, he didn’t know what he’d do.  He’d tried to warn Jason and he didn’t listen; how could he convince the police that he’d been killed?

He quickly finished his shower and patted himself dry with a towel he found in a hamper. He tossed it back and dressed in a matter of seconds.  Then, he got out of the locker room and went back on the hunt for another customer.  He hoped he could fit in two more before the night was done.

He moved a few streets away from the university and once again began looking for someone to pick up. He’d mastered the ability to pick one out of the street.  When before clients would flock to him and the other hustlers grouped up on the corner, now he had to seek them out of the crowd. 

Hunter brushed his bangs out of his eyes and assumed what he liked to call ‘the position’. He knew it wouldn’t be long for someone to stop and pick him up for a go. He shifted every once in a while, as he leaned back against the brick wall of the building he’d chosen.

There wasn’t as much traffic as he’d anticipated so he ended up staying there longer than he would have liked. But then a sleek, black SUV pulled up to the curb. Hunter paused, concerned, but he walked forward anyways.  There had to be more than one kind of black SUV in the entirety of Pittsburgh. He watched the window roll down and put on his best charming smile. “Hey.” He greeted, but then froze when he saw who was inside.

“How much?” The man asked, leaning out a bit. The light from the street lamp illuminated his face and Hunter recognized him immediately. He was one of the men who had taken Jason.

He cleared his throat and shook his head. “What are you talking about, Dude?” He asked, feigning ignorance. He stuck his hands deep in his pockets and tried to look as trashy as possible. “You drive the same car as my dealer.” He said and then started backing away. “See ya.” He waved a bit and continued walking. He forced himself to walk slowly and calmly.

The SUV remained parked there for a few seconds and Hunter could feel his heart pounding in his chest. What if they didn’t care? What if they just grabbed him and took him. There was no one else around. He’d disappear just like Jason did.

His body was screaming at him to run, but he forced himself not to. Eventually, the SUV drove off and left him alone. Hunter’s shoulders sagged and he closed his eyes tightly. He leaned over as he felt the sudden urge to be sick. All of his work to avoid those two and they still ended up finding him.  _‘Oh god…What the fuck am I supposed to do?’_  He wondered in a panic.

He watched the SUV turn down another road and out of sight. His heart didn’t stop racing, however. He moved over away from the street and leaned against a building. He slowly pulled his hands out of his pockets, surprised when he felt a slip of paper come with them. He turned it over and gasped a bit.

It was the business card of that professor. Following his instinct, he found the nearest payphone and slid in the few bits of change he had. To be safe, he called the man’s cellphone. He didn’t have enough for two calls and he didn’t want to risk missing him.

It seemed to ring forever. Four, five, six times and still no answer. He was practically squirming in the phone booth. He felt like he wanted to bolt out of his skin. Then, finally, an answer.

“Hello?”

Hunter smiled, he recognized the man’s voice.

“Hey uhh…Ben Bruckner?” He asked, reading the card.

“Yes. Who is this?” Ben answered and Hunter could hear someone whisper something to him on the other line, but he didn’t hear what.

“My name is Hunter. We met a few days ago at the coffee shop at the school. I…” Hunter gave an uncomfortable cough. “I came on to you?

“Oh! Hey. Now isn’t  _exactly_ a good time.” Ben answered and Hunter shook his head fervently, even though the man couldn’t see it.

“No. You don’t understand! I think these two guys killed someone and I-.”

“Wait what?!”

Hunter closed his eyes and sighed. “Please. I need help.” He said, even though it was hard to admit. He had never needed anyone to help him before and he didn’t like asking for it now. He just didn’t know what else to do.

“I’m not at home right now, Hunter.”

“Please…”

There was a sigh and some more whispering. “Okay. Come to 315 Baker Street. Number 204.”

“Thanks!” Hunter hung up and booked it across town. He didn’t want to linger nearby with those two men on the prowl. He wasn’t going to be their next victim.

* * *

It didn’t take him long to find the address. He looked up at the apartment building and darted inside when someone carrying some grocery bags opened the door. He used the stairs to get to the second floor and then knocked loudly three times. He bounced from foot to foot until it opened and he walked inside without waiting for permission.

“Well excuse you.” A snotty voice snapped at him, but didn’t stop him from getting further into the apartment. Hunter glanced back long enough to see that it wasn’t Ben who had answered the door. He looked into the living room and saw the professor sitting on the couch.

He saw the wine glasses, looked between the two of them a few times and it clicked. He’d crashed in on a date. Ben stood and walked over to him, a look of concern prevalent on his handsome face. “Are you alright?” He asked and Hunter nodded.

“Yeah I’m fine.” He said, his fear and anxiety beginning to fade now that he was safe inside somewhere.

“Hunter this is Michael. Michael, this is Hunter. He, ahem, works at the university.” Ben said politely, but it was obvious what it was he did. So, unashamed, Hunter turned to Michael and smiled broadly as he held out his hand.

“I’m a prostitute.” He said and Michael gave him an uncomfortable smile. He did shake his hand though.

“I run a comic book shop. What is this about a murder?” He asked and Hunter didn’t know why, but there was something that made him like the annoying little man instantly. Maybe it was his eyes, or the shape of his face; he didn’t know. But he felt like this Michael was someone he could grow to like.

“There are these two men who go prowling for hustlers. One kid I know…he was picked up by them and he never came back. And I  _know_  what you’re going to say. He didn’t just pick up and leave town. He was trying to make a life for himself here.” Hunter said, pre-emptively cutting them both off when it was obvious they were going to jump in with some explanation.

“Well, have you tried going to the police?” Ben asked, folding his arms over his chest as his brow furrowed seriously. Hunter shook his head.

“You think they’d believe me? I don’t have any proof; I don’t even know the guy’s last name. I just know that they did something to him. He never even came back for his stuff.” Hunter bit his lip as he thought about how unfair it was for someone like Jason to be murdered. It could have been any one of them, but it just had to be the one kid who had some redeeming qualities. “I’m no one. But maybe if you talked t-.”

Hunter stopped and turned as the door swung open. His body tensed and he was immediately ready to run because he was certain that the two killers were on the other side of the door. He even began moving behind Ben and Michael in a preemptive attempt to make a run for it. But then whoever was walking in started talking.

“Hey, Mikey. I got to talk to you about Justin. He’s getting worse.”

Hunter didn’t hear anything else that the man said because he had finally caught a look at him. He was by far the most attractive man he’d ever seen before. Hands down. No contest. Truth be told he’d always leaned more towards women, but this man was a major exception. All other thoughts fled his mind, and the only one that remained was how to get into bed with him.

* * *

After dinner Brian had stuck to his word of going over to Michael’s. He needed some advice because he was quickly losing control of the situation. Justin was safe in the loft, staring out the window morosely, and so he slipped out without Justin even realizing he was gone. He wasn’t even spared a glance.

He rushed over though, because he didn’t want to be gone long. He didn’t know what kind of state Justin was in and the idea of leaving him alone with a multitude of ways to kill himself was unnerving. So, he rushed to Michael’s apartment and darted up the stairs. He didn’t bother knocking – Michael never knocked on his door, so why should he knock on Michael’s? Instead, he pushed it open right away and started talking.

“Hey, Mikey. I got to talk to you about Justin. He’s getting worse.” He said, his back to the apartment as he shut the door behind him. When he turned to look in, however, he paused as three faces stared back. Only one he recognized. “The fuck is going on here?” He asked noting the seriousness of the air.

“Brian, now isn’t a good time.” Michael said, moving towards him and grabbing his arm. He started pulling him back to the door. “Call me tomorrow and we’ll talk about Justin.” Michael didn’t get him far, however, before some kid brushed up against him.

“Hey there. Name’s Hunter. Why don’t you and I-.”

The kid didn’t get to finish because Brian pulled free of Michael’s arm and placed his hands on Hunter’s shoulders. “Hunter? That’s your name?” He asked, unwilling to believe he’d gotten this lucky as to literally stumble into the one hustler in the entire city he needed to find.

“Uhhh, yeah?” The kid answered slowly. Brian reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He quickly withdrew Justin’s drawing and unfolded it, letting the wallet fall to the floor as he didn’t want to waste any time putting it back in.

“Brian?” Michael asked, moving towards him again. Brian simply held up a hand and motioned for him to wait.

“You know this kid?” He asked and pointed to Justin’s drawing of the hustler. Hunter’s eyes widened immediately and he had his answer. “What’s his name?” He demanded, his voice rising.

“How do you know him?” Hunter snapped, jerking free of his hold. He backed up a few steps, but Brian didn’t let up and followed him. Suddenly, the other stranger’s hand was on him and holding him back.

“Hey. Give him some space. Why don’t you just tell us what’s going on.” He said and Brian gave him a long, frustrated look, and then slowly turned to Michael.

“Who the fuck is this guy?” He asked, making a point of removing his hand from his shoulder.  Though, in the back of his head he realized something about this stranger was familiar.

“That’s Ben. He and I  _were_  having a date tonight.” Michael explained, with a roll of his eyes.

Brian raised his eyebrows and decided to look at Ben in a new light. Really looking at him, Brian realized that he’d fucked him before. He wisely decided not to voice that. However, that also meant that he was good enough for Michael. He nodded his approval. “Over a week ago Justin saw someone get murdered across the street.” He said bluntly.

“Who’s Justin?” Hunter asked and Brian glanced at him and then shrugged.

He didn’t have an answer for that. Justin was…Justin. That’s all that had ever mattered.

“Justin’s his boyfriend.” Michael supplied for him and Brian tensed and scowled.

“ _Boyfriend._ ” He spat the word with distain. “ _Please…_ We’re not teena-.” He stopped, because he was about to say something extremely inaccurate. Not to mention something Michael would probably tease him relentlessly for. It didn’t seem to matter because he could see the glee on his best friend’s face.

“Not what, Brian? Teenagers? Is that what you were going to say?” He asked smugly. Brian just scoffed and shook his head.

“You have a boyfriend?” Hunter suddenly asked and Brian wanted to scream.

“He’s  _not_  my boyfriend. He’s…Justin. Okay? Just…focus here.” He asked them all and pointed to the drawing once more. He waited for silence from the small group and then nodded in approval. “He saw this kid get murdered about a week ago. You know him?” He asked, focusing in on Hunter once more.

Hunter nodded solemnly. “His name is Jason. Those two guys picked him up once and he came back beaten pretty bad. He said he didn’t care because they gave him a fat amount of cash. Then they came back and took him again. He didn’t come back that time.” Hunter explained, leaning his hip against the nearby table. Brian looked back down at the picture and smiled a little.

With a name, and someone who could prove that he was missing, the cops would have to listen to him. “You’re coming with me.” He said to Hunter, waving him over. The eagerness with which the kid responded was familiar and reminded him of Justin when they first met. However, with Justin it was endearing. With this kid it was annoying. The last thing he needed was another teenager with a crush on him. The last one ended up with a bat to the head.

“Where are we going?” Hunter asked.

Brian looked at him as if it should be obvious. “The police.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Chapter contains thoughts of suicide.

Michael didn’t think the night could get any stranger. All he had wanted was a quiet evening to get to know Ben better – maybe fool around a little. Instead, he was ambushed and he didn’t know how to get control back. He just wanted to sit on the couch, watch a crappy movie, and sip some wine with the very attractive professor. Now, he was stuck watching Brian and Hunter have a stand-off.

“The police? Fuck the police! I’m not going to them! Haven’t you ever seen the movies? You go to the cops, you get killed!” Hunter shouted, moving deeper into the apartment. He flopped himself down on the couch, grabbed Michael’s glass of wine and started drinking.

Michael opened his mouth to protest, but it was too late. Disappointed, he hung his head a bit.

“I don’t give a fuck. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re not in a fucking movie. Not to mention, my boy is about one bad day away from killing himself and I’m not letting that happen.” Brian shouted back as he stomped across the apartment to grab Hunter.

Michael, however, latched onto what Brian had said about Justin. “Woah, wait. Wait.” He said, once more reaching out and grabbing Brian’s arm. “Is he really that bad? I thought…I mean I thought you were going to get a professional or something.”

“Not  _now_  Mikey…” Brian grumbled at him and Michael decided to drop it, but it didn’t sit well with him.  He couldn’t imagine Justin being that depressed.  It just seemed unfathomable that the too-smiley boy they knew was thinking about suicide.

He glanced back to Ben, knowing the man probably didn’t understand anything that was going on, but there was a calm and patient look on his face. Maybe the night wasn’t totally ruined. He just had to get Brian and Hunter out of his apartment.

“Well I’m not going.” Hunter said, kicking his feet up on the coffee table in front of the couch.

Michael looked at Brian clench his fists. He could see tremors wrack through his friend’s body and realized that Brian was furious - angrier than he’d ever seen him before. Whatever was going on with Justin in the loft was big. Brian looked like he might hit someone if they looked at him the wrong way. So, he calmly stepped forward and cleared his throat. He did keep a mindful distance from Brian, however.

“Hunter. You should go with him. It’s the right thing to do. I’m sure your friend would do the same for you.” Michael said and Hunter slowly turned and looked at him. Hunter looked at him for a long time before turning forward again and sighing.

“Yeah…you’re probably right…” He murmured and shook his head sadly.

“When you’re done, you can come back here. If you’ll feel safer that way.” Michael found himself offering. Though, there was a voice in the back of his head telling him it was a bad idea to invite a hustler into his apartment. However, there was something about the kid that struck his protective side. “Brian will watch out for you in the meantime. Won’t you Brian?” He asked and turned back to his oldest friend.

He looked like he had calmed down significantly. Brian nodded and jerked his head to the door. “Come on. I need to get back.” He grumbled and started walking, apparently assuming Hunter was following him.

Michael turned and watched them leave. He remained standing in the middle of his apartment even as the door shut quietly behind him. Eventually he was able to get control of his body back and he turned to look at Ben. “I’m sorry about Brian showing up like that. I didn’t know…”

“Hey. I’m the one who told Hunter to come over here. I should be apologizing.” Ben said, flashing him an apologetic smile.

“Crazy night…” Michael murmured with a bit of a smile himself.

“Yeah. How weird is it that your friend’s boyfriend witnessed the murder of Hunter’s friend? When I saw him in that coffee shop I could tell that something was bothering him.” Ben spoke, his tone calming and deep. It almost gave Michael chills.

“Apparently he’s not his boyfriend.” Michael said with a chuckle, and received a small laugh from Ben in response. The tension was broken, and they walked back to the couch.

“Sounds like there’s a story there.” Ben commented, grabbing the bottle of wine and refilling Michael’s glass.

“Oh you have no idea…” He murmured, with a shake of his head. He didn’t elaborate. Partly because he didn’t really know how to tell the Brian and Justin story, and partly because he didn’t want the night focused on them. Not to mention, they don’t exactly have a happy ending.  _‘Hang in there, Boy Wonder.’_  Michael thought as he sipped the wine.

Conversation didn’t flow easily, though. Michael was distracted and he knew Ben was too. He knew they wouldn’t be able to focus on their date until Hunter returned with more information. Until then, he would just try to keep it as comfortable as possible.

* * *

“So, who’s your boyfriend?” Hunter asked as he tried to find a comfortable spot in Brian’s jeep. He could see the man roll his eyes, but he didn’t care. He had to admit, he was a bit jealous. Brian didn’t look like the boyfriend type and he thought it’d be easy to get him to go to bed with him. A boyfriend complicated things. It’s not like he was even looking for anything more than a quick fuck, but it was obvious Brian could only think about one thing.

“He’s not my boyfriend. We’re…partners.” Brian answered, and kept his eyes forward on the road as they drove to the police station.

“And he’s a teenager? How old are you?” He asked swiftly, reaching forward to fiddle with the air conditioning. It was a hot summer night and he was starting to sweat with his jacket and backpack bundled up on him.

“None of your fucking business.” Brian snapped at him.

 _‘Old enough to be defensive about it…’_  He thought and then leaned closer to him. He put a hand on Brian’s arm. “Well, you look like your twenty-five. So it’s not like you’re old or anything.” He said, lying easily. There was no way Brian was twenty-five. But he was a gay man and gay men were vain. So, he guessed a low number. Apparently it worked, because he didn’t seem as tense anymore.

“Justin’s my partner.” Brian explained, more confidently this time. Hunter liked ‘partner’ even less than he liked ‘boyfriend’. Partner implied some kind of commitment. “He’s recovering from an injury and since he’s stuck in our home he likes to people watch. One night, he was looking outside and saw your friend.” Brian explained. “Jason.” He suddenly added, and for some reason that made Hunter like Brian a lot. Jason was a person, and Brian knew that. “You know the rest.” He said, turning down a street.

Hunter sat back in his seat the right way and held his hands in his lap. It was obvious he was getting nowhere with Brian. But he wouldn’t give up right away. “Is he deformed or something now?” He asked, not even trying to hide the hope in his voice.

“Give it up.” Brian ordered and turned to flash him a devastating smile. “I’m out of your league. And so is he – injury or not.” He declared and Hunter scowled, seriously doubting that was true.

Distantly, he realized that Brian was more complex than he had initially given him credit for. But, he wasn’t going to let one throw-away comment about his partner stop him from getting what he wanted. He glanced over to Brian again and licked his lips. Honestly, the man probably didn’t even notice as he was so focused on the road, but Hunter had a routine and he was going to stick to it. “So why didn’t the cops believe him?” He asked.

“What?” Brian asked in a biting way, as if the mere conversation was bothering him.

“Justin. He told the cops, right? But they didn’t believe him. Why not?” Hunter asked curiously.

“Oh. He…” Brian paused and Hunter knew immediately that it had to do with whatever injury Justin apparently had. Maybe he was worse than deformed. Maybe Brian was only with him out of pity. “It doesn’t matter. They just didn’t.” Brian said and Hunter could see the police station off in the distance.

“Is he like retarded or something?” Hunter asked, mostly meaning it as a joke, but Brian didn’t think it was funny.

The man slammed on the brakes and Hunter was grabbed by the front of his shirt. “Listen here, you little brat. You make one more comment about him, and I’m throwing you out of this car. I might even be tempted to back up over you. You know fuck all about him, or me. So keep your mouth shut until we get inside. Got it?” Brian growled viciously into his face.

Realizing he’d struck a nerve, Hunter wisely kept his mouth shut and merely nodded. Brian let him go and the jeep started moving again. Hunter looked out the opposite window, imagining what Justin could possibly look like and how someone that was as attractive as Brian could care so much about another person. People like Brian didn’t care about others – they only cared about themselves. He may be young, but he’d been out in the world more than long enough to know that.

The jeep was thick with silence as Brian parked at the police station. They both exited and Hunter looked inside. Apprehension filled him, but he thought about Jason and how naïve he had been. Even though Jason had probably been older than him, he still felt responsible for the guy; he had more experience. He should have insisted. He should have stopped him from going back. Jason deserved justice; he’d make sure that happened.

* * *

Justin could see his face in the sheen of the knife in his hand. He turned it this way and that, looking at his reflection from different angles. He barely recognized himself. He was thinner, and paler. His eyes didn’t look the same. Neither did his lips. If he didn’t know any better he’d swear he was looking at a different person.

He couldn’t remember the last time he ate. But he didn’t feel hungry. In fact, he didn’t feel much of anything anymore. He was shutting down, preparing.

For a brief moment it had seemed like there was hope. Brian had reminded him that there were things that were safe in this world. But he couldn’t stay inside the loft forever. Brian would have to go back to work eventually. Things would go back to the way they were. Brian would give up on the search, probably try to convince him that he made it up, and then try to move on. Eventually he’d get sick of him here.

So really, he was doing Brian a favor.

Besides, the world was going to kill him. Just like it had killed that hustler across the street. He wasn’t going to let that happen. The world wasn’t going to take any more from him than it already had.

* * *

Brian was frustrated by the slow pace of the uniformed officer showing them to Horvath’s office. He wasn’t surprised the detective was in so late at night. After all, he and his partner were the ones to answer his call to the police when the murder had happened; he must work the night shift.

The office was empty, but the officer told them to sit and wait, as Carl was probably just getting coffee. Brian said slowly, itching to get this over with so he could go back home. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He felt like he had to get back immediately. But he needed to get this done.

“I apologize. I always start the night off with a cup of coffee.” Carl said as he walked in and around them to sit at his desk. Brian could see the recognition in the man’s eyes as soon as he saw him. He slid into his chair slowly and leveled Brian with a hard look. “What do you need?” He asked, glancing to Hunter with thinly veiled curiosity.

“This kid here knows the victim.” Brian said, cutting right to the chase. He pulled out Justin’s drawing once more and laid it on the desk. Carl slowly pulled it closer to him and stiffened, but said nothing. Clearly he reacted to something in the drawing, but Brian couldn’t guess what it was. “I also got the apartment number.” He added, grabbing one of Carl’s pens and writing it on a sticky-note pad.

“You do?” Carl asked, looking down at it. He then turned over to Hunter. “What’s your name, kid?” He asked, his tone not unfriendly, but not exactly welcoming either.

Brian frowned when Hunter didn’t immediately answer. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so hard on him in the car; but the things he was saying about Justin got to him. He didn’t let anyone speak poorly of Justin. It just wasn’t okay. Still, that kid was young. He probably could have gone easier on him. He motioned for Hunter to answer, and the boy cleared his throat.

“Hunter.” He said, and then pointed to the drawing. “His name is Jason. We lived together.” He explained, and Brian cringed because Carl’s eyebrows shot up on his head.

“Lived together? Where?” He asked and then narrowed his gaze at Hunter. “How old are you?”

“We lived in a warehouse. And I’m fourteen.”

Brian felt a wave of sympathy flow through him. He had known he was young, but he didn’t think he was that young. He would have guessed closer to Justin’s age. Fourteen and hustling…Nobody deserved that. He glanced to Carl and could see the same sympathy he was feeling on the man’s face.

“What makes you think he’s missing, and didn’t just skip town? I know it’s common for pr-ahem, night workers, to pick up and leave whenever they feel like it.” Carl said, his face flushing with embarrassment at having nearly called a child a prostitute – even if it was true. Brian glanced to Hunter, but the boy didn’t seem fazed.

“He didn’t take anything with him. And he never came back after that night. Even if he had skipped town he would have taken his things. Besides, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to make a life here.” Hunter said, his voice getting quieter at the end, speaking of his sadness at having lost a friend.

Brian looked at him a moment longer before turning back to Carl. It was all they had to offer, but it had to be enough to get some kind of action. He watched Carl look down at the drawing once more and shake his head slowly. “I need you to be very certain about this.” He said, looking over to Brian. “Justin is sure of what he saw?” He asked, and Brian nodded slowly.

He knew there was a reason for Carl’s sudden hesitation. And he knew it had to do with the picture. He could only think of one reason why. “You know them. You know the other two men. The one’s Justin saw do it.” He declared and Carl tensed once more and closed his eyes. Then, he nodded solemnly.

“Oh shit! Are they cops?!” Hunter exclaimed excitedly, as if he was watching some drama on television.

“They  _were_.” Carl said, picking up the sketch to look at it closer. “Rikert and Stockwell. They retired a few days ago; said they wanted to spend more time with their families.” He explained, and Brian could hear resignation in the detective’s voice.

Brian didn’t miss the importance of what Carl had just shared. As far as he was concerned, that was all the proof he needed. Finally he was going to be able to tell Justin some good news; hopefully it would be enough to break through to him. “Well great! Go arrest them!” he declared and Carl shook his head vehemently.

With the way his life had been going the past few months, Brian should have expected that it wouldn’t be that easy.

“I don’t have enough to go on.” Carl said, pushing the picture back across the table. “I’m sorry, Kid. But there could be plenty of other reasons for your friend to be gone. And I still have no body. I can’t arrest someone for murder if there’s no body.” Carl spoke swiftly, his nervousness easy for Brian to pick up.

“Bullshit!” He protested, standing as he snatched the drawing away. “You just don’t want to rock the boat! You’re scared that these two can make trouble for you. Let me guess; you’re close to retiring and want to keep your nice, comfy pension.” Brian theorized and could see the look of guilt easily on Carl’s face.

“The word of a mentally unstable-.”

“I swear to god if one more person talks shit about Justin I’m going to break something.” Brian murmured through clenched teeth. He folded the picture back up and took a step away from the desk. “Fine. But you  _know_  we’re right. I hope you can rest easy taking those checks when you let two murderers go free.” He muttered and turned to leave. “Let’s go, Hunter. I’m taking you back to Michael’s.” He said, and without giving Carl a chance to say anything else, they left.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Chapter contains as close to a suicide attempt I can write.

Justin knew it wouldn’t take much. The knife was sharp and he could cut deep enough, fast enough, before the pain stopped him. A quick slice and then he’d bleed out. He even had a bowl ready to try and catch as much blood as possible. He didn’t want to leave a huge mess for Brian to clean up. In fact, if he could, he would leave the loft and do it somewhere else to save him the hassle. But that would mean leaving…

The edge of the knife rested on his skin. It was pressed against him hard enough to push in his skin a bit, but not to cut him yet. He lifted the blade just a bit and saw a thin, dark line where his skin was pressed. He would aim for that.

The blade lowered again and he exhaled long, and slow. Something was stopping him…But Brian would be back soon. He had to do it now.

* * *

“This is fucking bullshit.” Brian muttered in annoyance as he drove as quickly as he could back to Michael’s apartment. “What a god damn joke…” He shook his head and jutted out his chin in anger. Hunter was wisely keeping quiet next to him, but he just wanted to get rid of the kid and get home.  He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach that urged him to get to Justin before it was too late.

He screeched to a halt at the curb and then turned to look at Hunter. “Get upstairs. Michael and his  _professor_  will take care of you.” He ordered and already put the jeep into gear to take off again.

Hunter moved slowly, far too slowly for his taste, but he did eventually get out of the jeep. Brian was about to speed off without even giving him a chance to shut the door, but Hunter stuck his head back. “Sorry about what I said. About your partner.” He spoke quietly, and Brian had to strain to hear him.

He turned back to the kid and shook his head. “Forget it.” He said, and then waved him off. He waited until Hunter was inside the building before driving away again.

His mind was racing with what he could possibly say to Justin. He had been so close to proving Justin was right – that he wasn’t crazy. Maybe that was what was sucking Justin back down. Maybe he was beginning to think he was losing his mind. Whatever the reason, Justin was giving up hope; he was running out of time.

As he sped back to the loft he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. With a frustrated grunt he dug it out and flipped it open. “What?!” He snapped, in no mood to deal with anyone else.

As the person on the other end spoke, Brian closed his eyes and sighed. When it rains, it pours. He’d received even more bad news.

* * *

Justin continued to stare at the knife, willing himself to push it down and slide it across his wrist. But he couldn’t. His hand wouldn’t move. No matter how hard he screamed at himself to just get it over with, something stopped him. When it became obvious to him that he wasn’t going to be able to pull this off, he let go of the knife and let it clatter to the floor.

He slumped down after it, suddenly feeling very weak. His back was against the support beam, and he faced the living room. Unbidden, memories began playing through his head.

He recalled standing next to the couch, before they had moved it against the window, sullenly unfolding a blanket Brian had given him to sleep with, and then his subsequent trip to the bedroom when he decided his night was better spent in Brian’s bed.

He remembered sitting on Brian’s lap and feeding him ice cream, knowing the man loved it despite his protestations.

He remembered standing in the kitchen while Melanie screamed at Brian for his own mistake. And he remembered Brian standing up for him –  _‘Justin’s not anyone’._

His eyes trailed back to the white couch, pressed against the wall.

He remembered wrapping a sheet around his shoulders and crawling over it to kill Brian with kindness.

_‘I don’t want to leave him.’_  Justin thought suddenly, a new feeling of hope beginning to bubble up inside of him again. He’d fought too hard to get into Brian’s life just to quit.  _‘Killing myself isn’t the only way to help him. I could get better. If I got better, his life could go back to normal. Both of our lives would. It could be like before. Maybe even better.’_

Justin suddenly stood as he felt invigorated with a sense of purpose that he’d never felt before. It was as if something in his head suddenly clicked back on. He felt like he was thinking clearly for the first time since the bashing. He looked down at the knife and the bowl on the floor. He almost kicked them away in disgust, as if they were physical manifestations of his illness.

Instead, he bent to pick them up and washed them off in the sink. He then grabbed a container of strawberries in the fridge and began chopping them up. As he did, he continued to think.

Bad things happened in the world. People died. People hurt each other. Like Hobbs, and those two men across the street. But if he cowered and hid, or killed himself, he was letting them win. And if Hobbs won, then what was the point of anything? No. He wouldn’t let that happen. He’d make them pay for what they did. He deserved justice, and so did the boy that they had killed. He was going to stick around to make sure it happened, one way or another.

* * *

When he got to the building he ran up the stairs and almost threw the door open. He panted a bit, but quickly got himself back under control when he saw Justin calmly cutting up some strawberries. “Hey.” He said, hoping his relief wasn’t obvious.

The knot that had been tying itself in his stomach released. He must have just been paranoid. He very calmly shut the door behind him and locked it up. Justin didn’t answer him, but he didn’t really expect him to. He heard the knife slide on the cutting board as Justin pushed the strawberries into a bowl in the sink. Brian tried not to think about  _before_  when he’d seen Justin do the same thing, except he was holding the bowl in his right hand against the counter. But now he couldn’t.

The only good thing to happen this night was that Justin didn’t know that anything had fallen through. He didn’t know about his finding Hunter, and he didn’t need to. Brian would keep it hidden until it was absolutely imperative for Justin to know. In the meantime, he’d try to keep Justin’s spirits up.

“Do you have any movies I haven’t seen yet?” Justin asked suddenly, and Brian was so taken aback that he actually stopped and looked at him to make sure it was actually Justin in the kitchen.

“Um, yeah.” He said, but then shook his head. “But they’re Westerns and I figured-.”

“That’s fine. We should watch them.” Justin cut him off, setting the bowl down so he could pluck one of the slices and pop it in his mouth.

Brian tightened his brow as he looked at Justin a bit closer. He looked very much the same as he did when he left. Too thin, too pale, and too tired. But when he locked eyes with him he could see it – that spark. Something had come back to life in him. Brian didn’t know why, or when; but that didn’t matter. A bit of sun was peeking through the clouds.

“Okay. I need to talk to you about something though.” He said, moving forward to grab some strawberries for himself. He hadn’t realized it at first, but this was the first time in days he hadn’t had to force food down Justin’s throat. It made him smile, despite the bad news. “I got a call from Cynthia, my assistant. A lot has happened since I left work. And…I have a new boss. He’s cleaning house, Justin. She said he wants to fire me.” Brian watched Justin’s eyebrows shoot up on his forehead, but he put out a placating hand. “She talked him down by pointing out all the money I brought to the company. But I still have to do something big…Justin…” Brian sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “I have to go to Chicago.”

“Chicago?” Justin leaned back a bit. “What’s in Chicago?”

“Brown Athletics. His dream account. If I can land it I’ll be safe.” He took a step closer to him to make up for Justin’s movement. “Sunshine, if I had a choice I…I need this job. We both need it.” Brian was certain that Justin was going to have another breakdown. He tensed, preparing himself to watch the spark disappear and Justin’s face to crumble to tears. But it never happened.

“I get it, Brian. I do. It’s fine. You need to go.” Justin said. He even patted his arm, as if he was the one in need in comforting.

Brian was baffled. When he left two hours ago Justin had been sitting and staring out the window, practically brain dead. Now, he seemed so much like his old self that he just didn’t know how to react. He was stunned.  He was glad too.  If Justin was still depressed he didn't think he'd be able to just leave him there alone.

“I’ll be fine here by myself for a few days. There’s plenty of food and I can call take out if I need to. I’ll just leave the money outside the door and wait for them to leave.” Justin sounded so sure of himself. He even smiled.

Brian’s heart stuttered. He actually had to gasp for a breath. It wasn’t quite  _that_  smile, but it was so close that it didn’t matter. He bent, grabbed Justin, and pulled him in for a deep and penetrating kiss. He had to taste him. His lips weren’t enough, but he daren’t push for more. He didn’t want to stifle whatever breakthrough Justin must have had while he was gone.  So, painfully, he backed away after plundering his mouth. He rolled his lips into his mouth to hide his smirk when he saw Justin’s slightly dazed face. “What was that for?” He asked and Brian just shrugged before placing a peck on the tip of his nose because he could.

He then turned and walked to the bedroom so he could pack up some things before he caught the flight Cynthia arranged for him. “I’ll try to get back as soon as I can, alright? Two days, at the most.”

“It’s okay, Brian. Really.” Justin insisted, slowly moving from the kitchen to follow after him. He walked up the steps and sat on the edge of the bed to watch as Brian packed. “I’ll be fine.” He repeated, and the more he said it, the more at peace Brian felt. It was still just so new, he couldn’t let himself really believe that the old Justin was beginning to make an appearance again.

He just nodded a bit as he took a bagged suit and placed it next to the suitcase. Brian looked down at him once more and then smiled a bit. “Think you can grab my stuff from the bathroom for me?” He asked, and though Justin didn’t jump up and run for the bathroom like he would have before, he did calmly nod and go to help him out. Brian turned his head to watch him disappear into the bathroom and couldn’t help but smile again.

Maybe the day wasn’t so bad after all.

“I talked to that detective again.” He declared loudly enough for Justin to hear him. “He said that they can’t do anything because there’s no body. It doesn’t look like it’s going to go anywhere. Sorry, Sunshine.” Brain said, and waited silently for an answer.

He heard a sigh echo slightly in the tiled bathroom an then Justin slamming shut the cupboard. “Whatever. I figured. Fucking cops…I know what I saw.”

“I know.” Brian reassured yet again, and then went back to the dresser to pull out some clothes. Despite the slamming of the cupboard, Justin seemed to be taking it well, so he continued. “There’s more. Horvath recognized them from your drawing. Apparently they were cops and both retired just a few days ago. Rikert and Stockwell he said.”

“They retired?! Just now? Oh come on that isn’t a coincidence!” Justin shouted, stomping back into the room, with a toiletry bag in his left hand.

“I know, but like I said - no body, no crime.” Brian repeated and turned to take the small bag from Justin. “We’re out of luck. But they’re not going to come back around here. It’d be too risky. So don’t worry about it.” He assured and then put the bag into the suitcase. He didn’t want Justin freaking out while he was alone, but it also wasn’t fair to just leave him out of the loop when he was the one who had seen the murder in the first place.  "It didn't even matter that I found Hunter and he verified everything you'd said.  He just wanted to keep his pension."

"Of course..."  Justin muttered, shaking his head.  Justin flopped back onto the bed and placed his hands behind his head. Brian surveyed him, feeling a need grow in him very quickly. He turned away and tried to focus on his trip instead. He knew Justin wasn’t trying to seduce him…But the boy didn’t even have to try.  It had been a long time since he'd been able to fuck him and his cock missed the most perfect ass he'd ever had.

“Call me if you need anything, okay? Any time. I’ll leave my phone on.” He promised, going so far as to reach into his pocket and turn up the volume.

“Alright. I won’t wish you luck. You won’t need it.” Justin said and Brian just smiled a bit.

This was nice. This was exactly what he needed before he left Justin for the first time since  _it._  It was normal. It was so much like before that he almost felt as if it had all just been a bad dream. He took a moment to enjoy it, then grabbed the suitcase and gave Justin a wink. “Later.” He promised, and left.

“Later!” Was the last thing he heard before the loft door closed behind him.

* * *

Once Brian was gone Justin let out a long breath. He closed his eyes, then he rolled over to Brian’s side of the bed to grab his pillow and held it close. He wasn’t looking forward to being alone for a few days, but he would make it. He’d already made the resolution to fight for his old life, and he wasn’t going to give up on it just because of a surprise business trip.  After all Brian had done for him he owed it to the man to support him in this; not to mention he was right, they both needed Brian's job.

He took a long breath to remember Brian’s smell, and then got out of the bed and walked back to the window. He was frustrated that the cops weren’t going to pursue anything, but he could see the point. There was no body…yet.

His eyes trailed over to the computer. Maybe he could shake them up a little bit. They could get nervous and move the body from wherever they stashed it.

_‘No. Brian said to drop it.’_  He thought, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from moving over to the computer. He sat at the chair and shook the mouse to wake up the screen. It was a little awkward as Brian was right handed and he couldn’t use his right hand. But he moved it over to the other side and managed to get a hang of it. Using only his left hand he brought up the police department website and smiled when he saw that Rikert and Stockwell still had information on the website. The IT group hadn’t taken down their information yet because their retirement was so sudden and recent.

He swiftly made a fake email address and typed out a message.

_‘I know who you are. I know what you did. You will not get away with this.’_

Satisfied with his short, but direct message, he pressed send. He leaned back in the chair and gazed at the screen with a satisfied smile. If that didn’t shake them up, he didn’t know what would.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am currently experiencing logging in issues at MW. As soon as those are resolved this chapter will be added over there as well. Sorry!!


	14. Chapter 14

It was a slow night for Carl. There were no calls and he didn’t have any paperwork, so he was half-falling asleep as he played solitaire on his computer and trying to stop thinking about his encounter with Brian Kinney earlier.  _‘I hope you can rest easy taking those checks when you let two murderers go free.’_ He couldn’t get the knot in his stomach to go away ever since the man had left.

He shook his head, trying to clear it. He couldn’t get involved in this. Stockwell may be retired, but he could still make his life hell. And he was so close to his own retirement that he couldn’t rock the boat. After forty years of doing the right thing, he had earned it. All he had to do was look the other way. He focused on the screen and moved over a string of cards, clearing up a spot for a king.

He then grunted in frustration before placing a hand on his face and closing his eyes. He just couldn’t get the picture of that boy out of his mind. He had died so young.

Carl huffed as he closed the game and plucked the sticky note from the pad that Brian had written the address on. He gazed at it and then groaned in frustration.  _‘Damn conscience.’_  He thought to himself. He stuck the note to the side of his computer screen and picked up his phone.

“Hey, Patrice.” He said and rolled his eyes when he was answered with a shrill and angry voice. “Yeah, yeah I know it’s the middle of the night. But I need a favor. Get me the public records for 384 Fuller, # 402.”

* * *

Justin grunted as he struggled to get the camera Brian had bought him out of the box. He was holding the box between his knees and pulling it out with his left hand while his right throbbed.   “Come on…dammit…get out!” He cursed and jerked his hand back, finally pulling the camera free.

“Okay…How do I work this thing?” He asked, flipping it up and over, searching for the on button. He didn’t have time to read any instructions; they could go over to the apartment at any moment. He eventually found the way to turn it on and the camera hummed and whirred as the lens opened. “Finally.” He murmured and then balanced the camera on the windowsill as he sat backwards on the couch.

He looked down at the screen and moved it until it was looking into the window across the street. He then zoomed in until it was easy to see inside and smiled, satisfied. “Alright. I’m ready for you.” He shifted and stared at the screen intently.

He didn’t have to wait long. He saw movement on the other side of the street but not in the apartment. It was in the Cleaver’s apartment. He turned the camera to the right and gasped as he saw Rikert and Stockwell barge into the apartment and grab June and Ward.  “Oh shit…”  Justin murmured in shock.

The two murderers began beating the couple and Justin knew why.   It was his email.  They must have assumed it came from one of the neighbors.  “Fuck…”  He murmured as he used his gimp hand to hold the camera in place while his left took shots of their attack.  He was shaking and biting his lip as he watched the couple get beaten. 

Punches were being thrown and Justin flinched as one of the cops grabbed a lamp and smacked Ward on the head with it.  Flashbacks to his bashing suddenly lit up his mind and he let out a moan.  His head flared into pain and his hand began to throb again.  “No…No.”  He murmured and forced his eyes open; he wasn’t going to let Hobbs ruin this.  He was getting proof.  He clicked off a few more shots as his heart raced. 

June was cowering next to her husband’s body and crying profusely as one hand cupped her eye.  Justin then glanced over his shoulder to the phone sitting on the desk.  He should call the police.  He looked back to take a few more pictures and then went to get the phone, but something stopped him.

One of the murderers walked over to the window and looked right at him.  Justin stiffened and then gasped when he pointed a finger in his direction.  “Oh no…”  He whispered shakily.  His partner walked over to the window as well and locked eyes with Justin.  He drew a thumb across his neck and then they both turned and ran out of the apartment.

Justin flew away from the window.  He first ran to the door and locked it up.  He tugged it, just to test it.  Then, he went to the phone and dialed 911.  He paced frantically as it rang and rang, wondering why no operator picked up right away.  He kept his eyes on the door, wondering how long it would be before they began pounding on it.  “Oh god…”  He whispered frantically.  “Pick up.  Pick up!”

“911, what’s your emergency?”  A woman’s voice asked in a calm voice.

“Two men are trying to kill me!”  Justin exclaimed, his voice breaking into the phone.  Suddenly, he found it difficult to breathe and his vision was getting blurry. 

“Sir, you need to calm down-.”

“No!  They’re going to kill me!  They’re going to kill me!”  Justin exclaimed, and in the back of his head he knew a panic attack was coming on, but he was powerless to stop it, no matter how badly he wanted to.  He’d never calmed himself down from one before – he’d always had Brian there to help him.  Now, with death literally knocking on the door he couldn’t get himself under control.

“Sir, I can’t help you if you don’t calm down.  Where are you?”  She asked, but Justin couldn’t hear her.

All he could hear was his gasping breath and pounding heart.  In his mind’s eye he could see them busting down the door and beating him just as they had the Cleavers.  “Not again…please, not again…”  He moaned pitifully.  He’d been lucky to survive one attack, he knew that he wouldn’t survive another.

“Sir, please.  Where are you?”

Pounding on the door.  Justin could hear the metallic clangs as the two men tried to get in.  “Oh god, they’re here.”  He whimpered and shut his eyes, as if he could hide from them if he couldn’t see them. 

He never should have sent that e-mail.  But he never would have imagined that they’d see him.  Though, he should have; if he can see them, they should be able to see him.  The pounding continued, and it blocked out the sound of the woman’s voice.  Justin was alone.  Brian wasn’t there to save him this time.  Somehow, he’d have to save himself.

“287 Fuller…and T-Tremont.” He forced the words out of his mouth and closed his eyes, feeling a small sense of pride in himself.  It was quickly shaken when another bang on the door echoed through the loft.  “Fourth floor.”  He heard her ask something, but he was shaking so badly that the phone fell from his hand.  Before he was able to bend and pick it back up, however, something pierced his ears so loudly that he had to cover them.  He fell to his knees and cringed as they rang with a high pitched whine.

Confused, disoriented, and frightened, Justin couldn’t possibly imagine what the source of the noise was – or what it meant for him.  Unable to hear, and unwilling to open his eyes, he was defenseless on the floor of the loft.  He cried out when he felt hands on his arms, jerking him upwards.

Justin cried out both out of fear and pain, as his arms protested the jerking movement.  He was pulled up to his feet and then they tried moving him, but Justin wasn’t going without a fight.  He knew that if he let them take him, he’d be killed.  So, he jerked and twisted, he fought and kicked, as he struggled to get free of their hold.  He forced his eyes back open and latched onto the support beam which was nearby. 

He could hear them talking, but for the life of him he couldn’t understand what they were saying.  It was almost as if they were speaking another language.  He held on as tightly as he could, but was forced to let go when they tugged on his body and it felt like his arms were going to come out of their sockets.  His fingers slipped off the bar and he flew backwards due to the pull of their arms.  However, they must not have expected it, because they let go of him.

Taking this opportunity, he pushed himself up to his feet and started running for the door.  Before he could take more than a few steps, however, his ankle was grabbed and he fell back to the floor.  He caught his hand on the desk and knocked over a few things.

“What are you doing?!  Grab him!”

One of them shouted and Justin tried to get up once more, but the hold on his ankle was like a vice and he couldn’t break free; even as he tried to kick it off with his other foot.  He was grabbed again and then he felt something hit him in the back of the head.

Everything went black.

* * *

“Let’s kill him in the car. We can dump the body somewhere. The river or something.” Kenneth suggested as he maneuvered Justin towards the door.

“Are you insane?! One was bad enough – we can’t kill another person. Besides, this isn’t some hustler no one cares about. Don’t you know who this kid is?!” Jim demanded in a brusque whisper. He pointed towards Justin and snarled in disgust – it  _had_  to be Justin Taylor.

“Should I?” Kenneth asked sarcastically, dumping Justin none-too-gently onto the ground.

“Yes,  _damnit!_  He got his head bashed in a few months ago at his prom. If he’s killed people are going to be up in arms. We can’t just disappear. They won’t stop until those responsible are caught – which is us!” Jim reminded as he walked over to the computer and started tinkering on it, looking for the e-mail that was sent. He needed to be sure that this boy was the one who sent it. It was possible that he had simply seen them attacking the people across the street, though his gut told him it wasn’t that easy.

Opening up the e-mail he saw that it was still logged on, and he pulled up the message with a single click. “Fuck…It’s him.” He murmured and rubbed his forehead with a shake of his head. This was getting too out-of-hand. He never should have let things get this far.

“Then we kill him.” Kenneth repeated, kicking Justin in the side.

“Will you stop?!” Jim shouted angrily and pushed Kenneth away from the boy. “Just let me think.” He demanded and balled his fist in front of his mouth as his mind raced.

Kenneth sighed heavily next to him and moved deeper into the loft. He picked up a few things from the kitchen counter to examine them, and then set them back down. Before he could move up into the bedroom, however, Jim stopped him. “Are you planning on putting your fingerprints everywhere?” He asked, wondering why Kenneth seemed to be so stupid all of a sudden. “We’ll have to wipe down everything we’ve touched and get him out of here. Come on.” He ordered and looked under the sink.

He grabbed a container of bleach wipes and began to clean up everything Kenneth touched. “You get him down into the car. We’ll figure out what to do with him later.” He said, not wanting to risk Kenneth touching anything else. He’d already put them in too much risk.

“Fine.” His former partner snapped at him angrily and bent to pick up Justin. He threw him over his shoulders and then walked out of the loft.

Jim continued to work swiftly, remembering everything they’d touched since getting inside. He couldn’t miss anything, because both his and Rikert’s prints were on file because of their careers.  _‘Or former careers…’_  He thought bitterly.

He had everything planned out; after he had a few years as Chief of Police under his belt he’d run for mayor. But then, he let Kenneth convince him to just  _try_  one of the boys he’d found.

He loved his wife, and his kids, but there was something so satisfying about burying himself deep into a young man. He’d gotten addicted to it; to the feeling and the secrecy. That boy that they’d killed had been his favorite thus far. He had wanted to enjoy him for some time to come, but Kenneth tied the ropes too tight and they hadn’t noticed him struggle to breathe.

One small mistake and everything was ruined.

But he’d be damned before anyone found out. It wasn’t too late to salvage the situation. He’d just have to handle Taylor, and then he could get back on track.

He scanned the loft once more, wondering how it was a young boy like Taylor afforded something so extravagant, and then nodded. He’d hidden their prints and hopefully no one would know they were here. He turned and followed Kenneth out of the loft, his mind still racing.

* * *

“I have a B and E at 287 Fuller street.  Need a car there ASAP.”  The voice of the dispatcher announced over the radio in Carl’s car.  He looked down at it in shock, recognizing the address because he’d been there before – and he was on his way there right now.

“Oh no…”  He murmured, the importance of the announcement not lost on him. He sped up, turning on his siren to get the way cleared for him, and went over to the apartment building as quickly as he could.  He grabbed the radio as he did, answering the dispatcher.  “Carl here.  On my way.”  He then dropped the mic to the side, wanting to focus on getting there as quickly as possible. He screeched to a halt outside and then ran up the stairs to the fourth floor.  When he arrived he was out of breath and huffing a bit, but he continued on. 

The door was ajar and when he inspected it he saw that the lock had been shot open.  He placed his finger around the darkened edge of the metal, and it was still warm to the touch.  “Brian!  Justin!”  He called out, and pushed the door open more.  He saw inside the loft and knew he was too late.  The loft wasn’t completely trashed, but he recognized the signs of struggle when he saw it.  He moved over to the desk first, which was the worst of the destruction.

He pulled out his cell phone and quickly called the department.  “This is Horvath.  I have two missing persons; high risk.  Suspects are Kenneth Rikert and James Stockwell.”  He said as he sat at the computer and saw an email pulled up.  When he read it, he frowned sadly.  Since he hadn’t helped them, they decided to help themselves.  They gave themselves away.

“Yes!   _That_  Rikert and Stockwell.  They are suspects in a murder witnessed by these two men.  Get back-up here now!” He shouted and then snapped his phone shut with a sigh.

This was all his fault. He felt the guilt begin to eat at him, putting his stomach in a tight knot. Brian had been pleading with him to listen to them, and he’d been more worried about his own pension than the lives of innocent people. He was almost as bad as Rikert and Stockwell themselves.

But, it wasn’t too late.

There were no bodies, so for some reason the two thought Brian and Justin were needed alive. Though, he doubted that would be the case for long. He would need to find them – and fast. He wasn’t going to let two more innocent people die.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I will point out that obviously Brian isn't with Justin - but Carl doesn't know that. In any case, let me know what you think! :)


	15. Chapter 15

Carl sat on one of the stairs up into the bedroom as he watched CSI search for evidence in the main part of the loft. He continued to feel his guilt weigh heavily on him, however, it didn’t stop his determination from bubbling inside of him. But…He was at a loss. He didn’t know how to proceed or where to look for Brian and Justin. Where would Kenneth and Jim take them? How long would they keep them alive?

He thought about Justin mostly, and his haunted eyes. The boy was troubled, and now he knew why. One of the CSI agents had made a passing comment and ended up jogging his memory.  He remembered him from the newspapers – a victim of a hate crime. Now, he didn’t really understand how one man could be attracted to another, but he didn’t wish any harm on them. He had thought it was extremely unfair when Justin’s attacker had basically gone free.

No wonder the kid had issues.

He couldn’t even imagine what he must be going through right now. With that thought, Carl suddenly sat up straight and gasped. Justin had a psychologist. Carl wracked his brain for the man’s name and stood abruptly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his small note pad and flipped back to when Justin and Brian had first called him.

“Alex Wilder…” He murmured, and found that the business card that Alex had given him was still stuck in the notebook.  He pulled it out and quickly called him up, hoping he’d answer even though it was the middle of the night.  He turned and stepped all the way up into the bedroom as he didn’t want to bother the other officers.

“H-Hello?” A groggy and clearly half-asleep voice answered and Carl sighed in relief.

“Doctor Wilder, this is Detective Horvath. We spoke some time ago…about your patient Justin Taylor.”  He added when he wasn’t sure it was enough to help him remember, it was the middle of the night after all. 

“Yeah, yeah I remember you. What’s going on?  Why are you calling so late?”  He asked and Carl could hear the hint of fear in his voice.

“Justin and Brian have been kidnapped. I need to know, with Justin’s condition, how you suspect he’d react to this kind of situation.”  He asked gently, and gave Alex time to react.

“Wh…wait. What?!  Kidnapped?”  He exclaimed.

“Yes. Turns out they were right about the murder.  I came as soon as I could, but it wasn’t soon enough.  I just worry that with Justin’s state of mind the two might not think he’s worth keeping alive.”  He admitted and heard a long, sad sigh on the other end.

“As I’m sure you gathered from that night, Justin isn’t well. Being kidnapped…I can’t imagine what it would do to his psyche; only that it wouldn’t be good.  But, if Brian is with him, that might be a saving grace.  Brian is able to keep Justin calm, even in a situation like this - it’s almost like Brian is his medication.”  Alex spoke confidently, and it gave Carl a little bit of hope.  “How long ago did this happen?”  He asked and Carl frowned.

“Less than an hour. I was already on my way here when I got the call.”  _‘If only I had left sooner…’_  Carl lamented for what felt like the thousandth time that night.

“If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.” Alex offered, and Carl promised he would before hanging up.

Carl slid the phone back into his pocket and glanced out to the living room before turning back into the bedroom. He looked at the bed, then the dresser.  He walked over it to see the container of weed that was next to the ashtray.  He scowled, but picked it up and hid in one of the drawers so no one else would see it.  He shut it back up quickly and decided not to snoop anymore – they deserved their privacy and the officers would work their way into the bedroom soon enough.

He walked down the few steps and was going to leave so he could continue the search himself, but was stopped by a shout of one of the uniforms. “Hey!  Come look at this!”  He exclaimed, standing near the couch next to the window. 

Curiosity piqued, Carl walked over to him to see him holding an expensive looking digital camera. He bent over to see the screen and watched the officer click through the only photos taken on the camera. Some were blurry, but it was still easy to see. Rikert and Stockwell were assaulting a couple across the street.

Carl walked over to the window and looked through it to the apartment. He could see the forms of the couple still crumpled on the floor. “We need an ambulance here immediately!” He ordered, and ran out to the other building to go help them. As he moved, he pulled out his cell phone again. Even though the couple needed his immediate attention, he wasn’t going to let Rikert and Stockwell get away with Brian and Justin.

“Patrice, me again. I need all the addresses of buildings owned by James Stockwell.”

* * *

Justin came to with a splitting headache. He rolled onto his back and reached a hand up to rub his head, but found his hands stuck. His eyes shot open and he tried to pull his hands apart but found a thick rope tied tightly around them. His hands were numb, and he couldn’t even wiggle them enough to try and get some blood flowing back into them. When he tried to move them up to his head together he felt the rope dig in behind his back and realized that he had been trussed up like some kind of county fair pig.

He blinked and then squeezed his eyes tightly as the pain in his head threatened to overwhelm him. He wished he could force the pain away, but it seemed the more he thought about it the stronger it got. He tried to moan but his tongue felt as numb as his hands did. He grimaced instead, and rolled back onto his side. Even tied up he was able to get himself onto his knees.

Once he was steady he opened his eyes and looked around. All he could see was darkness. He had the feeling of being in a small, dirty room. It smelled moldy and old.  He could feel dirt clumps on his knees through his jeans. He couldn’t hear anything except for a steady drip of a faucet somewhere, but it echoed in the room so he couldn’t even look towards it.

_‘I’m not at home…’_

That was the first coherent thought he had. That much was obvious, but it was a monumental event to him. He hadn’t left the loft in months. It felt unnerving to be out of the four walls that had been his only safe haven since Prom. It made his skin itch and he could feel the panic begin to set in.

_‘Brian. I need Brian.’_

He thought desperately as he struggled to breathe. But Brian wasn’t there – he was in Chicago working. Brian probably didn’t even know he’d been taken. He shut his eyes tightly as they began to water with tears. He didn’t want to cry or lose control, because Rikert and Stockwell might hear him and he didn’t want them to know he was awake, but he couldn’t stop himself. He hiccupped and gasped in air as he continued to shake. The tears broke free and streamed down his face in waves. They were going to kill him. He didn’t know why they hadn’t already, but it was just a fact. He hoped it wasn’t like the hustler though. He wanted it to be fast. He might ask them to make it fast. Maybe they’d have some sympathy on him.

_‘Listen to yourself! Weak little faggot.’_  He thought angrily – though the voice sounded suspiciously like Hobbs.

It was just so easy to give in. He’d been planning his own suicide off and on for the past few months. This way, Brian could be saved the trouble of cleaning him up. Now the man could just move on with his life for good. He’d get that client, come back, and be the Brian Kinney everyone knew and respected. His life wouldn’t be taken over by some kid who was too scared to go outside.

_‘But I don’t want to die.’_

Justin thought back to earlier that night when he’d been holding the blade against his wrist. It felt like a lifetime ago now, but he remembered the feeling of hope he’d had as he thought about his life with Brian. Sure, he had been depressed lately, but last year had been the best year of his life – all thanks to Brian.  If meeting Brian led to getting attacked, he'd still do it all over again.

He recaptured that feeling and held onto it. He didn’t want to die, and he wasn’t going to give in. He fought too long, and too hard, to have a place in Brian’s life just to throw it away. Maybe he had sent that e-mail hoping to be caught, hoping to be killed, but he’d made his decision once and for all.

Justin Taylor was a fighter. If Rikert and Stockwell wanted to kill him, he’d make them work for it.

He rolled his lips into his mouth and just imagined what it was that Brian would say to him when he was having attacks.  _‘Shhh, Sunshine. I'm here.  Just breathe in and breathe out. Listen to me do it.’_  Justin would then listen and feel Brian breathing in and out slowly. He mimicked the action from memory.

He breathed in deeply and slowly from his mouth, remembering the feeling of the rise and fall of Brian’s chest as he would hold him and help him. He held it for a moment, thinking about the security of Brian’s arms around him. He breathed back out slowly through his nose and recalled the smell of Brian’s unique scent; the smell he had when he’d washed clean of the cigarettes and leather.

Justin could feel the panic begin to fade and his heart stopped racing. He’d done it, all on his own. He even smiled a bit, despite the situation.

With his body relaxed and his mind clear, Justin thought about his situation. He knew it was only a matter of time before they came to check on him. He could possibly pretend to be asleep still, but that wouldn’t get him anywhere. He had to work on a way out.  If only his head would stop pounding then he’d be able to think clearer.

They had him tied up like professionals, and so he knew that no amount of squirming or wriggling was going to get him free. He’d have to try to talk them out of killing him, and convince them to let him go.  _‘Yeah fucking right…They aren’t stupid.’_  He thought bitterly.

He tugged at the ropes again, but they still failed to budge. He hadn’t expected them to, but he didn’t think it hurt to try. He shook his head and closed his eyes, wondering what he should say to convince them to let him live.

He tried moving around in the room, but it was difficult because of his forced kneeling position. He had to roll in semi-circles on his back. He couldn’t feel anything he could use as a weapon.

As he was rolling, he could hear footsteps and voices get closer. The voices echoed a bit, and made it easier for him to hear them as they came for him. His heart picked up again, but he was able to stop himself from losing control and breaking down.

“…making a mistake. This kid is nothing but trouble for us. We need to end it now.” One voice said, though Justin had no idea which one of them it was.

“I’m not telling you again. This isn’t some hustler we can dump in the river and no one will care about.” The second voice was deeper, and far more authoritative.

Justin withheld a gasp.   _'So that's what they did with him.  But how'd they get his body out so fast with the rest of their stuff?'_

“You keep saying how  _special_  this Taylor kid is. But who the fuck cares? What happened when his attacker went free? Nothing. Sure people might get mad, but nothing’s going to happen. Just another gay kid gone missing.” The first voice said and it caused chills to go down Justin’s spine.

They knew who he was. More importantly, one of them had reservations about killing him because of his attack. There might be hope yet.

“I’m not going to get caught up in some kind of investigation, Kenneth! We can’t just pretend that nothing happened. We can’t go back to the way things were before!” The second voice answered; who must be Stockwell, Justin’s logical mind told him.

“And what the hell are we supposed to do with him, huh?!” Kenneth asked and Justin shifted uncomfortably.

“I’ll figure it out!” Jim shouted back.

They fell into silence and Justin rolled his lips into his mouth. Maybe they’d keep on going and leave him be for now, until they figured out what it was they wanted to do with him.

He wasn’t so lucky.

He heard the screech of metal on metal, which did nothing to help ease his headache, and then his eyes were flooded with light that pooled into the room. The two stormed in and looked down at him.  “You’re awake.”  Jim said and then dropped a small plate of what looked like left-overs.

Justin furrowed his brow, because he didn’t know how he was expected to eat tied up the way he was. Before he could voice his protest, however, Kenneth flicked open a knife and cut the ropes around him free.  Justin thought about making a run for it at that moment, but with both of them standing between him and the door, he knew it would be pointless.  Instead, he hesitantly reached for the food.

“How long have I been here?” He asked, keeping his eyes down and voice low.

He didn’t think they were going to answer him at first, but Stockwell squatted down in front of him after a moment. “A few hours.”  He answered and Justin nodded, not sure what he was supposed to do with that knowledge, but he’d needed to know.

He struggled to eat. His right hand was rebelling more than usual and his left was still numb from being tied up.  He also felt the weight of their eyes on him.  He hated it.  He just kept telling himself to act normal.  He didn’t want to freak out and have a meltdown, or else they’d probably think he wasn’t worth the effort of keeping alive.  All of his effort was going to keeping himself from having a meltdown.  Every second he didn't he congratulated himself - just hours before he wouldn't be able to see his own family, let alone these two murderers.  He wondered if it was merely his survival instinct kicking in, or if it was truly his mind getting better, but in the end he decided it didn't matter.

One of them made a move, so he shakily put a few bites of chicken in his mouth before moving onto the roll they’d given him. It was hard and stale, and he wondered where they even found food like that. “Do you have water?” He asked his throat parched and lips dry.

“Yeah.” James said, pulling a bottle out from somewhere behind him. Justin struggled to open the lid. He couldn’t hold the bottle steady enough with his right hand to twist the cap off. And he couldn’t twist the cap off with his right hand while his left held it.

Seeing him struggle, Kenneth grunted and snatched it away. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” He asked, clearly annoyed with having to deal with him at all. When he shoved the bottle back a bit of the water jostled out of it and splashed onto the floor.

“My hand is messed up from the attack.” He said, knowing they were aware of the attack on his prom. “I can’t move it right.”

“Oh god…He’s a gimp Jim!”

Justin flinched at the cruelty of his words, even though he’d said the same thing about himself in the past.

“No one is going to care about a gimp! Let’s get this over with.”

Kenneth advanced towards him and Justin stumbled back, reflexively. The bottle toppled over and the water spilled out onto the floor. He didn’t stop until he hit a wall behind him, but James had stood up between them and stopped Kenneth from getting to him. “What’s wrong with you?” James demanded and Justin watched with wide eyes and heavy pants.

“I’m not going to fuck over the rest of my life just because some gimped fag saw what we did.” Kenneth insisted and James shoved him backwards.

Kenneth glared down at Justin for a moment, and then spun to leave the room. He didn’t forget to kick Justin’s plate of food over, however. Justin scowled a bit and then turned his gaze onto James – knowing that he was his only hope of getting out of this alive. For whatever reason, he had reservations about killing him. Justin needed to prey on those.

“Please let me go.” He said softly and James just scoffed and shook his head.

“Kid-.”

“No, listen! I’ll tell everyone I made it up. I’m not right in the head. I even have a therapist who thinks I made it up. I’ll tell them all it was a nightmare. No one will know.” He assured, speaking swiftly.  He wisely kept quiet about the pictures of their attack on the Cleavers quiet; he could still get them arrested with those pictures if he could convince them to let him go first.

“What about this, huh? We kidnapped you.” James didn’t exactly sound sympathetic, but Justin pressed on.

“I’ll say it was someone else and you found me. You’ll be a hero! Please…I…I don’t want to die. Please…” Justin’s voice broke as his emotions started to overwhelm him again. Hot tears ran down his cheeks and his throat began to constrict. He had just decided that he wanted to live his life with Brian – it couldn’t just be ripped away from him. It wasn’t fair!

James was silent for a long moment as he stared down at him. Justin heard him sigh and then stand to silently leave the room. Justin curled his knees up to his chest and placed his forehead on them. He wrapped his arms around his legs and stayed curled up in a small ball, wishing he was back home – safe.

_‘Brian…Please find me. Please…’_

That was when he realized something.

They hadn’t tied him back up.

 


	16. Chapter 16

Carl was back at the station now, having made sure the couple had made it to the hospital. He was sitting at his desk with a large map of the city sprawled out over it, and a sheet of paper in his hand. The paper held all of the addresses owned by James Stockwell, which had been faxed over by Patrice. Luckily for him, the list was short.

There was his home, the apartment, an office building in the financial district, and a warehouse on the outskirts of the city limits. Carl knew he had to have taken them there. He found it on the map, circled it, and quickly plotted the fastest course. He then ran back out of the office, letting dispatch know he was on their heels and to send back-up.

* * *

Realizing he was free to roam the room, Justin stood and began feeling his way around. He knew he had to work fast – Stockwell was on the fence about killing him, but he wasn’t going to count on his indecision for long. Rikert could very easily convince him to end it at any moment.

He felt along the wall, which was cold to the touch and metallic. He found the room he was in was small, only about ten paces in each direction. He didn’t feel any furniture or a way to turn on any lights. He then felt along the floor for anything that might be of use. It was much easier now that he could move around. He wasn’t expecting to find anything, but when he reached the back corner his hands fell on a thin metal rod.

He gripped it in his left hand and pulled it up to find it sat heavily in his grip. He stood and swung it a bit, but with him only using one hand it was unruly and difficult to wield. So, he forced his right hand open and clenched it around the base of the rod, just like a baseball bat.

The motion wasn’t lost on him and he shivered as images of that night started flashing in his head.

_‘You look hot Daphne. I’d fuck you.’_

_‘You…You too, Brian.’_

_‘I thought you wouldn’t be caught dead in a room full of eighteen year olds.’_

_‘I’ve come to recapture my lost youth.’_

Justin gasped as he could see Brian’s face, spinning and twirling. He felt lighter than air as Brian danced with him in the middle of the room. He couldn’t see anyone else, because they weren’t there. It was only him and Brian. They were the only ones who mattered.

Brian’s eyes seemed brighter – clearer – than they’d ever been before. He looked into them as he was spun, and dipped, and lifted. They said only one thing, and Justin could see it clearly in his mind as if it happened yesterday. ‘I love you.’

There were no words, but the meaning was clear. Justin suddenly felt the same emotion he felt that night. Wholeness. For the first time in his life he felt complete.

More memories came – darker ones.

_‘We gave them a night they’ll never forget.’_

_‘Me neither.’_

Brian hesitated before kissing him, because it was different than all of their kisses before. It was special. That kiss meant more than all of the hundreds of other kisses they’d shared. It was as if he was asking for permission before taking the next step forward.

Then, Brian took a step back.

Brian was getting back into his Jeep.

_‘Later.’_

_‘Later…’_

He turned and walked away, swing his hands from the scarf around his neck. He remembered thinking how he couldn’t wait to get back inside and get Daphne home…So he could get to ‘later’ with Brian.

Then –

_‘JUSTIN!’_

He had turned in time to see the blur of the bat. Then there was nothing.

Justin panted and used the pole to help support him. The memories continued to swirl around in his mind like a whirlpool. Flashes of people’s faces, Daphne’s smile, Brian’s eyes. They all began jumbling together.

He let out a whimper and fell to his knees. His hands pressed against his head. To stop himself from going crazy, he picked one image and held onto it. It was Brian, holding him securely against him as he spun them both in a small circle. He was in the air, but that wasn’t why he felt weightless.

The light was shining on Brian’s face and his smile was broad.

Justin smiled thinking about it.

_‘He loves me.’_  He thought, holding onto the memory as tightly as he could.  _‘Brian loves me.’_

Justin could hear footsteps pounding down the hallway. They must have realized they hadn’t tied him up. Justin looked towards the door, remembering where it was even in the darkness. He stood, gripped the bar in both hands once more, and stood next to the door with it raised – ready to strike.

_‘Fuck Rikert.’_  He thought as he forced his right hand back around the bar, refusing to feel the pain as it throbbed in protest.

_‘Fuck Stockwell.’_  He tightened his gaze on the door as it swung open and bathed the room in light once more.

_‘And fuck Hobbs.’_  He swung.

He felt it hit and heard the cry from one of them. He didn’t wait to find out which. He bolted from the room, jumping over the body of the man he hit. He felt a hand reach out to grab him, but he slid past without it finding purchase. He sprinted down the hallway and was led into a large, open warehouse. He didn’t stop running even as his eyes searched desperately for a door outside.

“No!” James shouted behind him, and a shot ricocheted off the floor near his feet. Justin flinched, but he didn’t stop running. On the other side of the open room he saw a door. He ran towards it and threw all of his weight into it. It burst open and he fell onto the ground on the other side.

Ignoring the suddenly pain in his shoulder, he pushed himself back up and began running barefoot around the building. He figured it must have been some kind of steel yard, because he could see long rows of metal rods lined up on the ground. He ran around them as they were taller than he was and would stop the bullets from hitting him. It seemed Stockwell had finally made his choice.

He continued running but found he was in a network of warehouses and he couldn’t find the way out of them. He took turns and hoped eventually he would find a way out and back into the city, but every turn he took just led him to another row of warehouses.

Even with his adrenalin pumping, Justin knew he couldn’t run for much farther. He’d never been athletic and had spent the last few months holed up in the loft – he was no runner. He made another turn and then gasped in shock. There was a road, leading away from the warehouses. But it was gated up with a chainlink fence and barbed wire on the top. Justin ran to it anyways and started tugging on it desperately. “No, no, no, no!” He shouted angrily.

He was so close to freedom!

He panted and turned, trying to find another way out, but Stockwell ran up behind him with his gun out and pointed at him. Justin stopped, panting heavily. He continued to look around for a way out, but he saw nothing. Warehouses had him pinned in on either side and the gate was locked behind him.

Justin licked his lips nervously as his eyes locked onto Stockwell’s. “Don’t do this.” He pleaded loudly, his voice sounding flat now that they were outside.

“It’s too late, Kid. Things got out of hand. I’m sorry you have to pay for it.” James cocked the gun and Justin put his hands up defensively. He took a step back out of instinct and he ran into the chain link.

“You can’t run from it forever. You’re always going to be gay!” Justin exclaimed and it stunned Stockwell. So much so he even lowered the gun.

He glared at Justin though. “I’m  _not_  gay! I just…I like the way it feels. You know what! Fuck you! I don’t have to explain anything to you!”

Justin shook his head slowly. “The person who did this to me,” Justin raised his cramped right hand. “He’s hiding too. And one day, he’s going to realize there isn’t a reason to and he’s going to regret what he did to me. He’s just afraid…Just like you. But things will be better if you just accept who you are.” Justin continued, gaining a little confidence as the gun stayed pointed to the ground. “I know you didn’t mean to kill the hustler. And you’re afraid that if people find out about it, they’ll realize who you really are. That’s why you covered it up completely, isn’t it? You could have just told people you found him that way - no one would have questioned you. But they would have wondered how you found a gay hustler.”

“I worked too hard to get to where I am. And I love my family!” Stockwell insisted bitterly, tapping his heart. Justin nodded.

“I’m sure you do. But you can’t hide this forever. That urge is always going to be there. That desire…Someone tried to beat it out of me and it’s still there.” Justin reminded and he could see Stockwell’s eyes go to his hand again.

“…Maybe.” Stockwell said, slowly looking back at Justin. Something in the man’s eyes had changed, though. It seemed off. Like he’d made a decision that Justin wasn’t going to like. He braced himself. “That may be. But I can’t let you go, Taylor. You’d ruin everything I’ve worked for. Decades of planning – ruined! I’m not willing to let that happen!” Stockwell exclaimed and the gun came back up.

Justin closed his eyes tightly and held his breath as he prepared for the shot to fire.

“Freeze!”

Justin was confused because he already was frozen. He peeked his eyes open and saw a familiar man approaching James with his own gun pointed at him. Justin wondered how he knew him, and then almost immediately realized that was the same cop who showed up the night he’d seen the murder. Justin had been too out of it to really get a good look at him, and he didn’t remember his name, but he didn’t care. He was here and that was all that mattered.

“Put the gun down, Jim.” He said and Stockwell turned towards him, even though he kept the gun pointed at Justin. “I’ve got units on their way here right now. This is over.” He spoke calmly and evenly, and Justin couldn’t help but smile a bit.

He watched Stockwell’s hand shake a bit, then he relented and lowered the gun. Justin let out a huge sigh of relief and watched the detective walk forward to grab it. “Come here, Son.” He said and Justin didn’t hesitate to jog over to him, ignoring the fact that his feet were cut up and cold. As he walked by him Stockwell looked into his eyes, then frowned deeply and turned away.

Justin was surprised that he felt sorry for him. He felt like he should say something, but no more words came to mind. So, he remained quiet and stood by the detective as he holstered his gun and started taking out his hand cuffs.

The shot was so sudden and unexpected Justin’s heart stopped beating and he fell to the ground. When his heart started again he saw that the detective had fallen as well. He looked to Stockwell who was staring towards their left. Kenneth was there with a gun held up towards them. He had an angry, red welt on his face from where Justin had hit him.

“Ken! Thank god, come on. Let’s -.” James didn’t get to finish as Rikert shot him three times in the chest. Justin covered his mouth in shock and watched as James fell, almost in slow motion. He hit the ground with a thud and his arm hit Justin’s leg. He scrambled backwards to stop it from touching him.

“You…” Kenneth’s voice was low and menacing. His eyes were locked onto Justin like a predator. He stalked towards him and Justin was immobilized by fear. “This is all your fault!” He exclaimed and grabbed the front of Justin’s shirt. He threw him against the wall of the nearest warehouse and leaned against him. Justin cringed as he could smell his poor breath. “You should have just minded your own business. He would have been  _mine_!”

Justin was slammed against the wall again and his head hit it, causing his vision to blur slightly. In the back of his mind he wondered how many more hits his head could handle before it decided it wasn’t worth the effort. He could feel the cold metal of the gun press against his side and he tried to even his breath so he didn’t have another panic attack.

“There’s no one left to save you.” Kenneth whispered darkly into his ear before running his tongue up the side of Justin’s neck. He closed his eyes and shivered as he withheld a gag of disgust.

The gun moved up from his side and to his head. Kenneth let him go and he fell an inch or so onto the ground, but he couldn’t move. He looked into the man’s eyes, because he wasn’t going to cower anymore. And when he heard the shot he knew it was over.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as if leaving you on a cliffhanger wasn't enough, I'm leaving for a week and a half! Sorry, but vacation calls. Please let me know what you think though, and I'll get back to you when I return.


	17. Chapter 17

Justin slumped down the wall slowly, certain that he was dying.  Only…nothing hurt.  He looked down at his body and saw a splattering of blood across his chest, but when he patted himself down he felt no wounds.  He looked around for an explanation to see Kenneth on the ground with a bullet in his head.

Justin squirmed away with a scream and turned as he looked for an explanation.  He saw the detective, gasping and pressing a hand to his chest were blood was pouring out.  His other hand was still in the air holding the gun, shaking violently, and then collapsed weakly onto his side.  Justin bolted to him and looked down at the wound.  “Are you okay?!”  He asked frantically as he tried to cover the wound to stop it from bleeding.

“I’ll be alright.  If I can get this patched up soon that is.”  He said and offered Justin a weak smile.  “Sorry I didn’t believe you before, Kid.”

Justin smiled a bit.  “It’s alright.  I wouldn’t have believed me either.”  He said softly and then turned as he heard sirens approaching.

“Ahhh…The cavalry has arrived.”  The detective laughed a bit and laid his head back on the ground, finally relaxing.

* * *

Justin shifted uncomfortably in his hospital gown.  It was coarse and itched his skin.  In fact, every part of him seemed to crawl as he laid in the MRI and waited for them to finish scanning his brain.  Logically, he knew they had done this before when he was in his coma.  However, the fact that all of these things happened to him and he didn’t remember it unnerved him, so he tried not to think about it.  Not to mention all of the things of the hospital that he could remember.  The pure terror he felt whenever someone walked into his room.  The pain of all of the shots.  The fear and confusion of not knowing what had happened to him. The last thing he had remembered was being at Babylon and asking Brian to prom with him.  Then suddenly he was waking up in a hospital and his entire world had changed – with Brian nowhere in sight.

He frowned as he thought about it.  He started to move his hand to rub at the scar on his head, but a voice suddenly spoke in the machine.

“Please refrain from moving, Mr. Taylor.”  He said and Justin stilled.

Of course, he remembered now.  He remembered everything.  The nervousness at seeing Brian approach him through the crowd.  The joy of floating with him on the dance floor.  The pain of the bat hitting his head.

Justin bit his lip to stop himself from thinking about it anymore.  He couldn’t.  Instead he thought about what Brian was doing right then.  It was the middle of the day, so he was probably talking with the client and winning him over – he was Brian Kinney after all.  Justin smiled as he thought about it.

Keeping Brian in his thoughts gave him the peace of mind he needed to sit still until the MRI was over.  He couldn’t wait to tell Brian everything that had happened.  He made sure no one called Brian because he didn’t want to disrupt him on his trip; he was sure Brian would get angry at him for it, but he didn’t care.  He had already sacrificed too much for him the last few months and he wasn’t going to make him sacrifice his job as well.

When he was done the nurse led him from the MRI room back to his private room.  There was a uniformed officer outside of his door put there to protect him.  Though he had thought the idea of someone stalking his door should frighten him, all it did was make him feel safe – if anyone came to hurt him they’d have to get through the officer first.  He glanced to the man before walking inside and sitting on his bed.  He was in pretty good shape, so he wasn’t hooked up to any IV drips, however, as soon as he was back on the bed the nurse placed a heartbeat monitor over his finger.

He shifted back onto the bed and watched the nurse check the wires on the machines before smiling and leaving him alone in the room.  Justin leaned back against the pillow on the bed and looked around, unsure of what to do with himself.  Eventually he reached for the remote and turned on the TV.

He didn’t have to stay alone for long, however, because midway through the episode of Maury he’d been watching he heard familiar voices outside.  He turned down the volume of the TV and turned to the door with a small smile.

His mother and Debbie.  He could hear them speaking to the officer on the other side.  The man better let them in soon, for his own good.  He didn’t even want to think what they would do to him in order to get through.  He rolled his lips into his mouth and listened to the officer stutter a bit before the door opened up and both women barged in.

“Oh Sweetie!”

“Sunshine!”

They exclaimed in tandem and rushed for him.

Justin tensed and flinched.  He closed his eyes and turned away sharply because even though he was getting better, the thought of someone other than Brian touching him made him uncomfortable.  Both women stopped in their approach.  “Sorry…”  He murmured uncomfortably.  “I just…Not yet.”  He said, slowly turning back and offering an apologetic smile.

His mother locked eyes with him for a moment but then nodded and simply held her hands together in front of her.  “Okay Sweetie.  I’m just so relieved.  When they called me it was like your prom all over again.”  She suddenly sniffled and bit her bottom lip. 

“Jen called me right away and we rushed over here.”  Debbie explained as she grabbed a chair from the edge of the room and pushed it over towards the bed.  She motioned for Jennifer to sit and she did, still trying to collect herself.

“But I’m okay this time.  I mean…”  Justin paused because he knew he wasn’t really ‘okay’, but he wasn’t in a coma or on his death bed.  “I got knocked around a bit but I have no broken bones and the doctor says I don’t have concussion.”  He reported, feeling uncomfortable with his mother’s emotions – he was just beginning to get his own in check so he didn’t have the patience to deal with hers as well.

“Where is Brian?”  Jennifer asked and Justin wondered if it was because she was worried about him, or once again blaming him for something he had nothing to do with.

“Chicago.  He left last night.”  Justin answered and both women looked just about ready to berate the absent man.  “He was going to lose his job if he didn’t go.  He left before anything happened.  He had  _no_  idea.”  Justin informed, emphasizing the point that Brian couldn’t have helped him and it wasn’t his fault he was in the hospital again.  He managed to silence them before they could start and Debbie offered him an apologetic shrug.

“So Brian is safe.  Good.”  His mom offered and Justin could hear the hesitation in her voice.  He ignored it.  He was too tired to push the issue.

“I don’t want him to know what happened yet, either.  I want to make sure his deal goes through, so don’t call him.”  Justin ordered firmly.

Debbie and his mother exchanged an odd look at that – almost a hint of a smile.  Justin could only wonder what it meant, but didn’t ask.   _‘It’s probably a mother thing.’_   He thought as he shifted back against the bed and got more comfortable.  “So…I’m feeling good.  I’m starting to get better.  And Brian’s been taking  _good_  care of me.”  He emphasized and then smiled.  “What have I missed the last few months?”  He asked.

Sitting and talking with his mom and Debbie was nicer than he thought it would be.  Neither of them tried to touch him again so he was able to calm down some more and simply enjoy their company.  Debbie got him caught up on the goings on of the gang and some gossip from Liberty Ave.  His mom told him what she and Molly were up to, and how they were settled into their new home – and how his father was already seeing someone else.

Justin could only roll his eyes at that.  He didn’t know why the man cared so little for his family, but he wasn’t going to let it get him down.  He had people who did love him, and two of them were right in front of him.

Debbie gave them some time to talk on their own while she went to go get them all some food.  It didn’t take all of two seconds after she left for his mother to scoot closer and try to reach for him again.  She stopped herself when Justin flinched again and looked sad.  “I thought it was just because of Debbie…”  She said softly.

Justin recalled the sliminess of Rikert’s tongue as it licked up his neck and shook his head.  “No.  I don’t-.”

“But it’s okay for Brian to touch you?”  She asked, offended.

“Brian’s…Brian.”  He answered, because in his head it was that simple.  Brian was Brian.  His mother didn’t seem pleased with the answer.  Justin frowned and turned away.  “I don’t see why you don’t like him.  He’s never done anything to you.”  He muttered sadly.

“He’s the reason you’re like this!”  She exclaimed and then immediately covered her mouth as if she was ashamed of what she had said.

They were both still for a long moment.  Justin was looking down at the white hospital sheets and his clenched up right hand, hidden beneath them.  “There’s nothing wrong with me.”  He said weakly.  “Except for my gimp hand.”  He added, shaking it a bit.

“I know, Sweetie.  I just meant…”  Jennifer trailed off, and honestly Justin didn’t want to think about what it was she actually meant.  That Brian was the reason he was a recluse?  Brian was the reason he was gay?  Either way, Brian had nothing to do with either of those.  He was a recluse because of Chris Hobbs and he was gay before he even met Brian. “Sorry…”  She murmured and heaved a heavy sigh.  Justin nodded in acceptance, but couldn’t help but feel judged by his own mother.

“Brian is helping me, you know.”  He pointed out as a reminder – he wanted to add that  _she_  was the one who sent him to Brian’s in the first place when she couldn’t handle him at his worst.  “I’m getting better.  It’s slow, but I’m getting better.”  He repeated.

“I know.  It’s just…so hard to see you with him.”  She said honestly and Justin just shook his head.

“Well too bad.  I love him, Mom.  I love him.”  He repeated firmly and locked onto her eyes so she knew just how serious he was when he said that.  Jennifer nodded and forced a broad smile.

“Okay.”  Was all she said, and Justin decided to take it as a win.  His mom didn’t like Brian – but at least she accepted that this was the way things were – and would always be if he had anything to say about it.

They fell into silence, but thankfully it didn’t last long.  There was a knock on the door and both turned towards, grateful for the reprieve.  “Come in.”  Justin said and the door swung open slowly.  He watched Carl walk in with his arm in a sling, but not looking to be in terrible shape.  The man was definitely favoring his left side though.

“Carl!  Hi!”  Justin said, excited to see the officer who had saved his life.  “Mom, this is Carl.  He’s a detective.  He’s the one who saved me.”  He explained and Carl gave a nervous wave, as if he didn’t like the attention.

“Pleasure to meet you, ma’am.  I just wanted to check on Justin.  How are you feeling?”  He asked and Justin shrugged.

“I’m fine. You were the one who got shot.  Are you supposed to be out of bed?”  He asked, suddenly concerned.

“Oh I’m fine.  This isn’t the first time I’ve been shot.”  Carl said dismissively, causing Justin’s eyebrows to raise up on his head in shock.  He supposed it made sense, Carl was a police officer after all, but it was still surprising with how nonchalantly he announced it.  “I also wanted to let you know that Kenneth is out of surgery and seems to be pulling through.”

“He’s alive?”  Justin asked suddenly, his voice rising dramatically for he was sure he was dead.  He’d thought Carl killed him when he shot him.  He suddenly felt very vulnerable again.  He could feel Rikert’s tongue on his skin, his hands digging into his arms, and his rotten breath right in his face.  He could feel the panic attack coming on. 

He tightly shut his eyes and once again tried to calm himself down by thinking of Brian’s comforting words.  It was easier, as he wasn’t in the middle of a kidnapping.  So, within a few seconds he was able to calm his racing heart and stop the attack before it even started.  He hoped that with his new technique he wouldn’t have anymore, but he doubted that.  He knew he still had a long way to go before he was really like his old self.  He’d just have to accept the small victories for what they were.

“I thought I had too.  The paramedics resuscitated him.”  Carl announced, moving a bit closer.  “But don’t worry about him coming for you.  He has four men stationed on him at all times – and trust me, we don’t treat dirty cops well.  They won’t let him piss without having someone in there with him.”  Carl assured and it managed to put Justin a bit at ease.  He didn’t know what it was about the man, but he exuded calm and order.

“Kenneth is the man who did this to you?”  Jennifer asked, her voice a bit shaky.

Justin nodded.  “I saw him and his partner kill someone across the street.  They…found out I knew and took me.”  Justin explained, purposefully leaving out the part where he sent them an e-mail saying he knew everything.  It wasn’t his brightest moment and he was hoping to keep that fact hidden from everyone, especially Brian.

“Oh my…”  Jennifer looked as if she was about to cry again.

“But I’m fine.  Carl saved me.” He repeated to try and stop any waterworks from appearing.

“You’re sure he won’t be able to get to Justin?”  Jennifer asked, turning to face Carl.  The detective nodded firmly.

“Absolutely, ma’am.  I’ll make sure of it myself.”  He promised and flashed Justin a look.  Justin could see a bit of guilt in his eyes and he knew that Carl still blamed himself for not listening to Justin sooner.  However, he’d been honest when he said he wouldn’t have believed himself either.  He knew he was a wreck that night, and Carl had come through when he needed it; he held nothing against the detective.

“They didn’t have much in the cafeteria but I managed to scrounge up some things for us to eat.”  Debbie suddenly entered, balancing three trays on her arms like an old pro.  “Oh. Hello.”  She said, noticing Carl standing near Justin’s bed.

Justin, despite having not seen her in a few months, still knew Debbie pretty well.  He smiled, because he could see the immediate flush of her cheeks and change in her stance.   _‘She likes him.’_   Justin thought, pleased.  “Deb, this is Carl.  He saved me.”  He said for the third time in three minutes.

“Oh, you saved my Sunshine?!”  Debbie exclaimed, swiftly setting down the trays of food and embracing him.  “Thank you!  Thank you!”

“Oof…”  Carl grunted and flinched as she pressed against his wound.  Debbie gasped and immediately let go.

“Oh I’m sorry!”  She exclaimed, looking as if she’d just ruined any chance she had of being with him.  Carl just chuckled a little, obviously as infatuated with her as she was with him.

“It’s alright, Miss.”  He assured and patted her arm.  Justin was smiling broadly.  It was adorable how both of their faces were beat red and neither really wanted to make eye contact.  He glanced to his mom, and she seemed to be picking up on the same thing as she was smiling endearingly at them.  “Well, ahem…”  Carl nervously cleared his throat.  “Justin I just wanted you to know that if you ever need anything, I’m just a phone call away.  They’re releasing me.”  He added with a shrug of his good shoulder.  “You still have my number, right?”  He asked and Justin nodded.

“Yes sir.  Right there.”  He said, motioning to the bedside table where a small ripped piece of paper sat.  While in the ambulance, Carl had written down his number for him, insistent that he had it right away.

“Good.  Well, I’ll leave you be.”  He said and then went to step beside Debbie but they shared a look and both blushed once more.  “Miss.”  He said, dipping his head before finally making it out the door.

Once he door was shut once more Debbie immediately began fanning herself.  “My…Isn’t he quite the gentleman?”  She asked, trying to hide how big her smile was.

“Mhmm.”  Justin agreed, but then his eyes settled on the food and he reached out to grab the most appealing tray.  “Thanks for getting this Debbie.”  He said sincerely, and began munching without waiting for them.  He was the one in the hospital after all.

Debbie then proceeded to gush about the detective and asked for every detail of Carl’s rescue of him - she swooned the entire time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I hope you liked it. Let me know. :)


	18. Chapter 18

When Justin woke next he was shocked to find his room dark.  Even in the middle of the night the room was never completely dark.  Between the city lights outside, and the lights of the machines hooked up to him there was always a low ambiance to the room.  So, when he woke and found that wasn’t the case his heart immediately skipped a beat. 

He could hear the heart rate monitor begin to beep faster and faster and he knew he had to calm himself down, but his new techniques didn’t seem to work.  He couldn’t imagine Brian’s voice in his head, or his arms around him.  All he could think was that something was terribly wrong and he was going to be hurt again.

He curled up on the bed and pulled the blanket over his head as he struggled to breathe, or even think.  The panic began taking over and he broke down.  The fact that he knew he was capable of calming himself down, and couldn’t, only spurred on the attack even stronger.

“Brian, Brian, Brian…”  He murmured over and over again.

Only Brian wasn’t there.  He was in Chicago, away on business.  But there was nothing else he wanted more in that moment then to see the face of the man he loved.

When he heard the door to his room open he thought that it was a nurse coming in to check on him because the heart monitor was going berserk.  However, instead of a calming voice asking him how they can help, someone grabbed his shoulder and pulled him from the bed.  “NO!”  He cried out uselessly before he even knew who it was.  He couldn’t focus.  His mind was like putty when he was in the middle of attack and this time was no different.

A hard slap to the face made everything stop.  He was shocked back into lucidity, at least in part.  He looked up and gasped when he saw Rikert standing there in his room.  A bandage was wrapped around his head from the bullet wound and there was a savage look in his eyes.  “He was mine!  He was mine and you made me kill him!”  Rikert screamed in his face, the stench of his breath just as fowl as the last time he smelled it.

Rikert grabbed his arm and pulled him from the room.  Justin kicked and fought to break free of his hold, but the man’s grip was like a vice.  When he was in the hallway he saw the police officer that was guarding him slummed onto the floor, dead.  Rikert must have killed him to get to Justin.

“Carl!”  He cried out, despite knowing that the man had been discharged.  What other hope did he have?  Who else would save him?  “CARL!”  He cried again, so loudly his voice was hoarse.

“Shut up!”  Kenneth shouted as he dragged him down the dark hallway of the hospital.  Justin didn’t think it was odd that there were no nurses or doctors, or even any other patients that he could see, but in his head it just didn’t register as something to take note of.

Apparently sick of listening to him scream Kenneth stopped pulling on him and threw him against the wall.  He pulled out his gun, and shot.

* * *

 

Justin gasped awake, clutching his chest as he heaved for air.  He looked around the room frantically.  He was alone – blessedly. 

He continued to pant, but laid back down and collected himself.  It had only been a nightmare.  The first he’d had while on his own.  _‘Maybe Brian being gone is good for me.’_   He thought, because now he was forced to handle them on his own and get better at it.

Once his breathing had calmed down he slowly rose once more, this time sitting up off the edge of the bed.  He kicked his legs over the side and stood.  Despite being in good condition, he’d been lying down a lot lately and standing felt odd for a moment.  Once he found his footing, however, he walked to the door, making sure his hospital gown was covering him up.

He gently opened it, looking to the right where the officer guarding him sat.   He couldn’t help but be relieved when he saw he was sitting right where he was supposed to be, instead of slumped over dead on the floor.  “Hey Taylor.”  The officer greeted, having turned when he heard the door open.

Justin flashed him a weak smile and then nervously cleared his throat.  “Um…Rikert is still in his room, right?”  He asked and the officer nodded surely.

“Yes.  They tell me even when he’s being moved for tests.”  He assured, but after such a vivid nightmare, Justin wanted to be positive.

“Could you check?”  He asked, so the officer looked at him in understanding and reached for his walkie-talkie.

“Hey, Officer Whittier here.  Checking on the prisoner.  Rikert is still in custody, correct?”  He asked over the air.

The response was almost immediate.  “Affirmative.  Currently he’s cuffed to the bed.”

“Understood.”  Officer Whittier lowered the walkie and looked to Justin.  “Satisfied?”  He asked sincerely and Justin offered a weak smile and a nod.

“Yeah.  Thanks.”  He said before turning back into the room and closing the door behind him.  He walked back to the bed and sat on the edge of it once more.  He looked around and his eyes fell on the night stand where a brightly colored coloring book sat.  He smiled, thinking about how he’d gotten it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Justin was munching on another tray of hospital food, which he would not miss when he was out, and occasionally looking at the TV hanging on the wall.  He was watching another one of those shows where they reveal ‘that he is/is  _not_  the father’ and laughing at the blow up afterwards.  Those people had no idea what real problems were.  He was only eighteen and two people had tried to kill him – he’d like to see something like that on the show.

There was a knock on the door, so he turned the volume down.  Since Kenneth was still in the hospital recovering, there was still an officer outside of his door to make sure nothing happened to him.  As such all of his visitors were monitored and only those on a list were allowed in.  So, Justin knew it could only be one of a handle full of people.

When Michael walked in, he wasn’t surprised. Oddly enough, Michael visited him often and he'd come to look forward to the visits.  Unlike with his mother or Debbie, he never tried to touch him and only seemed interested in making him feel better.  Having thought Michael still disliked him, he welcomed the change in attitude.

“Hey, Boy Wonder.”  Michael said with a smile, a plastic bag in his hands.  He set it on the table and immediately pulled out a carton from the diner.  Justin straightened, interest piqued.

“Lemon bars?”  He asked excitedly and Michael chuckled.

“Yeah, from Ma, with love.”  He said, setting them down on the tray table that slid over Justin’s bed.  Justin didn’t hesitate to pop it open and dig in.

“Mmmm…Thanks Michael.”  He said with a mouth full.  Michael laughed again and nodded.

“No problem.”  He said and sat down.  Justin could see that there was more in the bag, but he was sure Michael would show him what it was soon enough, so he didn’t ask.  Besides, lemon bars. “I’m glad to see you’re doing better.” Michael said suddenly and Justin nodded a bit.

“I was being stupid.” He admitted. “I thought keeping myself in the loft forever would make me safe. But…Nowhere is completely safe; it’s pointless to waste my life trying to avoid something that’s going to happen anyways.” He said as he took another bite.

“Well I’m still glad.” Michael repeated and they shared a smile.

When Justin was done gulping down the lemon bars, Michael suddenly seemed a bit nervous. Justin decided to have pity on him. “Spit it out.” He said.

“Spit what out?” Michael tried to act nonchalant, but he had never been a good liar. However, Michael’s honesty was his most redeeming quality, so Justin didn’t mind.

“Whatever it is you want to say. Is it about what’s in the bag?” He asked, and Michael looked to the plastic bag and nodded.

“Yeah. Ummm…” Michael sighed heavily and stood back up. He grabbed the bag and then handed it to Justin. Justin set it on his lap and used his good hand to fold back the plastic. He paused, confused, when he saw what looked to be a comic book inside. He pulled it out and started flipping through it to see that it wasn’t a comic book, it was a coloring book in a comic book style.

“I got those at the store.” Michael said, clearly nervous. “I thought… I mean, your hand could…I-.”

“What is this?” He asked, keeping his voice flat and staring down blankly at the pages. “Why would you give me this?” He asked, trying so hard not to smile through his bluff.

“I didn’t! I mean…I just wanted to help! I’m not trying to like, taunt you or something, Justin. I swear!”

Justin lost it at the wild-eyed look of fear on Michael’s face.

“I love it!” Justin said through his laughter, deciding to put him out of his misery. Michael straightened a bit, surprised.

“You do?”

“Yeah! You’re right; my hand isn’t strong enough to do my usual sketches. This will be great to help get the feel of it back. Drawing is ninety percent muscle memory, you know.” He said sincerely and watched Michael sigh in relief.

“Oh good! I was worried you’d get pissed and think I didn’t think you could draw anymore or something.” Michael rubbed the back of his neck and relaxed his shoulders a bit.

“No, Michael. This is really great. Thank you.” Justin hadn’t even thought about his art since the bashing. He had written it off as something he’d never have back. Even after he decided to fight instead of kill himself, he hadn’t thought about it. He’d been so focused on his recovery that his art had been pushed from his mind. But why couldn’t he use his art to help his hand get stronger again?  And what a surprise that it was Michael of all people who made him realize that.

He reached into the bag again and pulled out some colored pencils that Michael must have bought for him as well. “Thank you…” He repeated, surprised at how emotional he was suddenly feeling. He could feel his eyes start to tear up and his throat started to get tight. He coughed a bit and wiped at his eyes as he tried to collect himself. “I just want to be normal again.” He said, apologetically, as an explanation for his sudden emotions.

“You will be. I have to get back to the store. But if you need anything, give me a call.” Michael said before standing and giving him a wave. He never tried to touch him, and Justin liked that. He waved to him too and then he was alone in the room again. He flipped through the book until he found a page that looked interesting. He smiled, flexed his hand to see how it was feeling, and decided to give it a go.

_*~*~*~*~*~*~*_

Justin chuckled, recalling how nervous Michael had been about possibly offending him, but he really did enjoy the gift. He couldn’t use it much, as his hand tired too quickly, but he was still able to get some use out of it. He’d never seen many comic books either, and he found he enjoyed the style quite a bit.  Besides, it was a welcome relief from the TV which was his only form of entertainment in the room.

He was flexing his hand out and preparing to attack another section of the page when he heard someone outside arguing with the officer. He slowly lowered his hand back down, suddenly nervous that Kenneth had slipped by his security and was coming for him. That was when he realized he recognized the voice of the man shouting at the officer. “Brian!” He exclaimed, and jumped off the bed.

He darted to the door and pulled it open, smiling broadly when he saw Brian standing there, looking like he’d come straight from the airport. He was scowling at the officer, but relaxed when he saw Justin. “It’s alright. Brian can come in.” Justin said, reaching out with his left hand to grab Brian and tug him into the room. He shut the door behind them and found himself immediately pulled into Brian’s arms and practically crushed against his body.

“You fucking little shit!” Brian cursed in a whisper against his ear and refused to let him go. “I'm so fucking pissed at you!  Don’t you  _ever_  do something like this to me again!” Brian sounded legitimately angry, so Justin pulled back to look up at him. Brian immediately cupped his face in his hands and then bent to press their foreheads together. “I went back to the loft and you were gone…I didn’t know what to think…” He admitted, his voice shaking.

“I’m sorry.” Justin said, his voice matching Brian’s. He raised his hands up and pulled Brian’s away from his face so he could look at him.

“Why didn’t you call me?” Brian demanded, his voice still hard.  Now that he could see his face Justin could see his eyes were watering.  He didn't know if it was from anger of relief - or maybe a mixture of both - but he felt a huge tidal wave of guilt sweep over him.

“I didn’t want to ruin your meeting.” Justin answered honestly and Brian opened his mouth like he was going to yell at him again, but then sighed.  With a sad shake of his head Brian visibly tried to reign in his anger.

“Justin…it was a fucking business meeting. I thought you were  _dead_!” Brian shook his just a bit and them pressed him against him once more. Slowly, Justin reached his arms up and wrapped them around Brian’s neck to hold onto him too.

They stood there for a long time, just holding each other. Justin could feel Brian’s body quiver and knew he was crying, but he said nothing. It did make him glad that he had never gone through with killing himself through. He didn’t even want to think how Brian would have reacted then…

After some time had passed, Brian reluctantly let him go, but not without giving him his customary kiss on the head that ended all of their embraces. Brian cleared his throat a bit and looked down at Justin for a long time. “So…what happened?  How did you end up here?” He asked and Justin sighed and walked back to the bed to sit down.  He should have known that would be the first thing Brian would ask.

When it looked like Brian was going to sit in the chair, he protested and grabbed his hand to tug him onto the bed as well. He’d been gone for days and Justin missed being near him. Brian acquiesced and sat back against the bed, sitting shoulder to shoulder with Justin. “Let’s see…” Just said slowly, wondering where to start to avoid telling Brian about the e-mail he sent to Stockwell. He decided to just skip over that part completely and instead told him about the attack on the Cleavers, and subsequent events.

During his re-telling of the past few days, Brian’s hand grabbed his own and pulled it back onto his lap. Justin laced their fingers together, but once again said nothing. He knew it was hard for Brian to express what he was feeling, and if he tried to call him out on it, Brian would just shut it down. It wasn’t worth it.

By the time he was finished, he thought he had distracted Brian enough with everything he’d gone through that he wouldn’t even question how Rikert and Stockwell found him. He was wrong.

“How’d they know who you were?” Was the first thing Brian asked as soon as he was finished with his story. He decided to play dumb.

“Stockwell recognized me from the bashing.” He explained but Brian squeezed his hand in reprimand and shook his head.

“No. How’d they know where to find you and that you knew what they did?” He asked more specifically and Justin sighed. He shifted so he was facing Brian a bit more, and then bit his bottom lip.

“I…sent them an e-mail.” He admitted and Brian immediately let go of him to stand up. He began furiously pacing back and forth in the room.

“You what?!” He demanded, the anger back.

“I was angry!” Justin exclaimed, going to stand as well, but he was stopped by one of Brian’s hands on his shoulder. “They were going to get away with it and I knew I had to do something to make them make a mistake! And they did! They took me!” Justin said it as if it was a good thing but Brian didn’t seem pleased in the least.

“You’re a fucking moron, you know that Sunshine? What if they hadn’t taken you? What if they’d just shot you right there?! God!” Brian turned so his back was to Justin and covered his mouth with a balled fist.

“But they didn’t. I’m fine.” Justin repeated, standing now and putting his good hand on Brian’s back. Brian flinched and stepped away again.

Brian shook his head a few times and then sighed heavily before turning around. He had his lips rolled into his mouth and gazed down at Justin intently. Then, suddenly his gaze softened as he ran his hand through Justin’s hair and rubbed his thumb over the still bold line of his scar. “When I got home and you weren't there, I called Debbie. She said you were in the hospital and they had scanned your head because you got hit again.” He said suddenly and Justin frowned slightly, realizing what this was really about.

“I’m okay. Really. The doctor gave me the all clear.” He assured, but Brian’s eyes didn't leave his temple.

“I’m going to have to get you a helmet to wear, Sunshine. Apparently you can’t be left to care for yourself.” He had a hint of a smile on his lips now, so Justin relaxed and cracked a smile of his own.

“Now that you’re back, they’ll let me go home.” Justin said, deciding they both needed a change of subject.

Brian raised his eyebrows, pleased. “What are we waiting for, then? Let’s go home.”

* * *

Upon entering the loft again Justin could see there was still plenty evidence of the attack; there was a bullet hole in the door where the lock used to be, and the desk was in shambles. He frowned and glanced to Brian who began to almost mechanically clean it up. He had said that he didn’t know what to think when he got to the loft and saw he was gone, but if he walked in and saw this, Justin knew exactly what he had thought. He wondered if he should apologize, but he kept his mouth shut. Instead, he knelt by Brian and helped him picked everything up.

When they were finished Justin stood and walked to the kitchen to wash his hands, but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw what was on the counter. A bottle of champagne and – yes. A bouquet of fresh roses.

Hesitantly, he reached out for the flowers with his good hand. He picked them up and could  _feel_  Brian’s eyes on him as he examined them. He then leaned his head forward and smelled them, a smile forming on his face. “You…bought me flowers?” He asked carefully, wondering what was the right thing to do.  Was he supposed to acknowledge it as the generous gift it was, or should he ignore it like Brian's crying and need to hold his hand at the hospital?  There had been a time when he would have known exactly what to say because he could read Brian like a book, but he was still coming back into himself and was now uncertain.  However, the words were already spoken.

Brian swiftly turned away, clearly not wanting to look at him directly.  It didn't deter Justin - he knew well enough now that Brian couldn't look at him when something remotely emotional was happening between them.  “I got the deal. Wanted to celebrate.” Brian muttered so quietly Justin had to strain to hear him. He smiled a bit more and smelled them again.

However, he suddenly frowned, as an image of Brian walking into the loft entered his mind, champagne and flowers in hand and smiling from ear to ear. Only to have it all crushed to find him missing and signs of a struggle obvious. “I’m so sorry…” He whispered, fully understand Brian’s anger at him in the hospital. “I should have called. But I…You’ve sacrificed so much for me these past few months. I knew how close you were to losing your job and I didn’t want to risk that.”

Justin explained, gently setting the flowers down and walking to Brian. He reached out with his good hand and touched his face, feeling a bit of stubble beginning to grow. “I was just trying to help.” Once he finished, Brian pulled him close again and Justin could feel him shake his head above him.

“You're okay.  That's all that matters.” Brian said and then squeezed him once before kissing his head and walking to the counter. “We can still celebrate.”

Justin smiled broadly and nodded, sitting on one of the stools to watch Brian open the bottle. “We should. Making partner; that’s huge Brian!” He said happily and finally Brian started smiling again.

“It means I’m going to have to go back to work though. And there might be days I work longer than you’re used to. It’s-.”

“I’ll be fine. I promise. This is a big deal! Let’s celebrate.” Justin insisted, not wanting Brian to feel at all guilty about the promotion. No one deserved it more than Brian did and he wasn’t going to be the reason Brian didn’t get everything he deserved.

Brian gave him a long look before smiling a bit more and nodding. “Yeah, alright.” He said and gave the top a hard jerk. A bit of the champagne flowed out and he reached behind him to get down some glasses. He poured in a small amount and then handed Justin a glass. They raised them together and clinked them against each other. “Cheers.”

Justin winked. “Cheers, Partner.”

Justin could see a big smile trying to break through Brian’s carefully honed mask. “Ah fuck it.” Brian said and let the mask go to reveal his beaming smile. He knocked his head back to gulp down the drink and then poured some more.

Justin laughed and held his glass out for a refill. When they had both had their fill Brian eyed him curiously. “You seem different, Justin.” He commented, and Justin knew that he really meant it by using his given name.  Brian only called him Justin when it was important.

“I feel different. It’s like something clicked back on in my head.” He explained as best he could, but it was difficult to explain his sudden transformation.  How could he, when he didn't understand it himself?  One minute he was holding a knife to his skin, and the next he was fighting for his life.  Surprisingly, his kidnapping only strengthened his resolve to get better, but the decision had been made before that.  He wished he could offer Brian a better explanation - because the man deserved one - but he couldn't.

Brian’s smile faded a bit, but seemed more tender somehow. “Good. I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever get you back.”

Seeming to realize that what he said revealed quite a bit, Brian immediately put the mask back on and cleared his throat. “Now, it’s late. You just got out of the hospital, and I’m exhausted from the flight. Let’s go to bed.” He said and Justin nodded in agreement and slid from the stool.

He was about to turn and follow Brian into the bedroom, but suddenly gasped. “Wait!” He exclaimed and raced back to get the bouquet of flowers. He had to scrounge around for something to put them in, and when he couldn’t find anything close to a vase he settled for a pot. He ran the sink to put some water in it, and then set the flowers inside. It didn’t look great – in fact it was rather tacky looking – but he didn’t care. He still thought they looked beautiful because Brian had given them to him.  They were probably the only flowers he should ever expect from the man, but he didn't care.  He'd still gotten them.

Once he was sure they were safe for the night, he walked back to Brian and they walked into the bedroom together. As his hand was clenched up from working it with coloring so much lately, Brian helped him undress and then they lay in the bed. Justin shifted a few times before getting comfortable, but then sighed contently when he found that perfect spot. “I’m glad you got the client, Brian.” He whispered before going to sleep.

“I’m glad you’re back, Sunshine.” He heard Brian whisper back before he fell asleep as well.


	19. Chapter 19

**Three Weeks Later.**

Michael tapped a pen against the counter as he tried to think of a seven letter word for ‘difficult’ that started with A and had an O near the end. He kept staring at the crossword, circling the clue over and over again, but not really thinking about it. Instead, he was wondering what Ben was doing and if he had made a mistake in ending things with him. Things just got so complicated so quickly. Hunter has been staying with him for a few weeks now and he wasn’t sure he could handle Ben’s condition while suddenly trying to care for a teenager. Ben’s declaration that he was positive came as such a shock that all he could do was break things off – but maybe that had been a mistake.

When the door jingled he actually jumped as he was so wrapped up in his thoughts. He looked up immediately and smiled as he watched Brian walk in. He waved enthusiastically because he was happy to have an excuse to do something and get his thoughts away from the hunky professor. “Hey. Slumming?” He teased and Brian rolled his eyes.

“I’m running errands.” He said, scanning the small store for what he needed.

“You actually want to buy something?” Michael was shocked. Brian had not once stopped by his store to buy something. Michael had never asked him to, considering it was Brian’s gift that made the store a reality in the first place. “But you hate comic books.” He pointed out.

“Not true. I seem to recall countless Saturday nights spent with you reading about the latest exploits of our spandex clad heroes.” Brian defended, still looking. He rifled through a few piles and then turned to him. “But no. I’m not here for comic books.” He rubbed his fingers together as if to rub off the nonexistent dust covering the books he’d just handled. “Justin wants more of those coloring books you gave him.”

Michael smiled immediately and stood up from his stool. “Really?!” He asked, suddenly so happy. He walked out from behind the counter and started going to the display by the window where he’d put them.

“Yeah. What?” Brian asked slowly.

“Nothing. I just…I’m glad he liked it. I was really worried he’d freak out about it or something.” Michael grabbed a few different versions, so Justin would have new pictures to color, and handed them over. Brian took them and started reaching into his wallet. “No don’t worry about it. If he likes them, consider them a gift. I’m glad they can help.” Michael said sincerely. He was happy to help Justin anyway he could, even if it was only by offering him books.

“Cut it out, Michael. You own your own business now. It’s not like I can’t afford ten bucks.” He insisted and forced the bill into his hand. Michael knew better than to argue with Brian. So, he walked back to the counter to stick it in the drawer. “Besides, saying he likes them is an understatement. He colors more than a five year old. Ironically, a five year old is better at it than he is. He can’t even stay in the fucking lines.” Brian commented not without some bitterness.

Michael knew who it was directed at though – Chris Hobbs. Hobbs who hit him with a bat and took away so much from his life. Hobbs who didn’t even get a single day in jail for trying to kill him. Hobbs who is still out there and doesn’t give a shit about the boy whose life he almost ruined. Michael hated him too, but he couldn’t remember ever saying that to Brian or Justin. He had felt like his own feelings were inconsequential to what they were going through. But, thinking about it now, he wondered if maybe they’d like to know that.

He’d save it for another time, however. Brian looked upset enough and he didn’t want to keep talking about it.

“Anyways.” Brian said, leaning forward on the counter with his elbows. “He’s been coloring almost nonstop. Which is good, because he hated the ball exercises and this way his hand still gets worked out. So you did me a favor, Mikey.” Brian flashed him a smile, which he returned.

“It isn’t too much for him?” He asked, wanting to be sure.

Brian scoffed. “You know Justin. Everything has to be just perfect. I watched him try to shade a fucking cape last night for an hour and a half. His hand tires out more quickly than his other exercises but it isn’t too much. He can pace himself.” Brian assured and Michael nodded once, at ease. The last thing he wanted was to make Justin’s situation worse.

“Good.” He said simply and assumed that Brian was going to leave to get back home, but he remained leaning over the counter.

“How’s the kid?” He asked and Michael sighed, and shrugged.

“I don’t fucking know.” He lamented. “He keeps sneaking out to go hustling even though I tell him he doesn’t have to. He just says he wants to help pay his way. I don’t even know if this is permanent or not. I mean, I wouldn’t mind if he stuck around. But it almost feels like he’s itching to leave. You know? Like he’s already out looking for the next place to stay.” Michael shrugged and slumped back onto the stool.

“Well, have you  _told_  him he’s welcome, Mikey?” Brian spoke condescendingly in that tone that drove Michael up the wall.

“Is Brian Kinney actually advocating I talk openly about my feelings?” He teased and was surprised when Brian shrugged, instead of getting defensive like he had expected him to.

“Maybe.” Was all Brian answered with and Michael decided not to push it. Brian had changed so much since the bashing – maybe it was time he stopped expecting him to behave like nothing had changed.

“Maybe I should.” He said instead and tugged the crossword closer to him.

“Maybe you should also go to that professor friend of yours and  _openly_   _admit_  that you’re being an ass.” Brian added, but his tone wasn’t as harsh as his words.

Michael shot his head back up to look at him and dropped the pen. “How’d you know about that?” He asked.

“I told you I was running errands. I have a carton of lemon bars in the jeep for Justin. Your mom seemed to want to tell everyone about how her poor baby boy was almost infected by the evil, positive, professor.” Brian rolled his eyes. Michael couldn’t help but smile a bit because he knew that Brian wasn’t exaggerating at all. His mother was the biggest drama queen of them all.

“He told me up front before we ever did anything. There’s nothing really evil about that.” Michael commented with a shrug. “It’s strange, is all. I’m not weirded out by it, or even grossed out. Hell, with Vic I know exactly what to expect with someone being positive. But I have Hunter staying with me and I don’t think-.” He was rambling, he knew that. So he wasn’t surprised when Brian cut him off.

“Do you love him, Michael?” He asked intently and not at all sarcastic.

“I don’t know yet. It was too early to tell, I think. But…” He hesitated and thought about how Ben had made him feel. “I think I could love him. I know I could - if I took the time to get to know him. He treated me so much better than David and I  _thought_  I loved  _him_.” Michael rolled his eyes at himself, still amazed at how stupid he had been about David.

“Then you should do what makes you happy.” Brian told him and Michael looked at him for a long, long time, wondering where his best friend had gone and how he missed his evolution into this new man. “I mean it, Michael.” Brian continued when he didn’t say anything right away. “Find him, and find a way to make it work. Even with the Littlest Hustler around there’s a way to make it work.”

“You’re so different, Brian.” Michael said after another quiet moment. He shook his head in disbelief. “What happened?” He asked.

Brian just shrugged again and began collecting the coloring books. “I nearly lost Justin twice in only six months. I realized I didn’t want to waste any more time pretending that there’s nothing between us, when there is. I don’t want you to waste any time either. I want you to be happy, Mikey. You’re my best friend, and I want you to be happy.” He repeated and Michael smiled a little.

He felt a huge shift in their relationship right then. He didn’t know why it was, because Brian wasn’t saying anything he didn’t already know. But all of a sudden all of the latent desires he had to be with Brian disappeared. They had been fading for a long, long time, but still niggled at the back of his head every once in a while. He could finally feel them disappear for good when Brian spoke.

Brian was his best friend – he’d never be more than that. And for the first time in his life he was glad for that. Because he could never be for Brian what Justin is. And Brian could never be for him what Ben might become. It may have taken him fifteen years, but he is truly happy with being Brian’s best friend and nothing more.

“Thanks, Brian.” He said sincerely and smiled when Brian leaned over to give him a chaste, but loving, kiss on his lips.

“I better go before the lemon bars turn to mush.” Brian said and turned to leave. He paused though, and pointed down to the crossword. He tapped the circled clue and smirked a bit. “Arduous.” He said and Michael excitedly looked down at the crossword puzzle.

Michael spelled out the word in each box before smiling and writing them down. When he looked up to thank Brian, he was already gone. He then set down the pen and looked over to the phone. Thinking about what Brian had said about not wasting time, he picked it up and called Ben.

* * *

As Brain ascended the stairs to the loft he couldn’t help but feel reminded of a time not too long ago when he dreaded such an act. A time when he could barely bring himself to come home because of what he was afraid he’d find. Now, all of those fears were gone. No longer would he wonder if he was going to walk in on Justin mid-meltdown. In the three weeks since Justin had been released from the hospital he hadn’t had a single panic attack. Brian didn’t know what he’d done to get over them, but he wasn’t going to question it.  He smiled even as he lugged bags up the stairs to the loft door, because he knew that when he opened it Justin wouldn’t be screaming, or throwing things around. He’d come so far the past few weeks that he was almost like his old self again.

He set some of the bags down to pull the door open and scanned the loft to find Justin asleep on the couch. He smiled tenderly, because he suspected that is exactly how he would find him. Justin had gone to see Alex in his office that day and their meetings always left him exhausted. Not only were they emotionally charged, but leaving the loft still caused Justin a lot of anxiety which wore him out.

He closed the loft door as quietly as he could, but with all of the sacks he made a bit of a ruckus when he got inside.

“Briannn..?” Justin asked drowsily, popping his head up from the couch.

“Yeah, it’s me.” He answered and set everything on the kitchen island. “Here. I got some stuff for you.” He said and pulled out the lemon bars and coloring books from the bags. He listened to Justin shift around until he started moving over to him. He began putting some groceries away but looked to see Justin’s excited reaction when he got him more coloring books.

“Was your nap okay?” He asked and saw Justin nod out of the corner of his eye. “No nightmares?” He added and Justin smiled broadly.

“No nightmares.”

“Good.”

“Mhmm.” Justin’s mouth was full from a lemon bar he clearly didn’t hesitate to take a bite of. Justin sat at the counter and pulled the coloring books closer to him to flip through them with his good hand. “You went to see Michael?” He asked and Brian nodded as he went back to putting the groceries away.

“Yeah. He sends his best.” Brian murmured absently, tugging open the fridge to put in some juice. “Oh. I think he’s going to call his professor friend, too.”

“Good.” Justin had taken another bite.

“Yeah. I mean, I barely even met the guy but he seemed alright.” Brian spoke distantly, bending to put some lettuce in the vegetable drawer. “He didn’t immediately freak out and run for the hills when I dragged Hunter out of there.” He added with a bit of a smile. If Ben was calm enough to handle talk of murder without doing more than batting an eye, then he was in good shape to handle their dysfunctional family.

Justin didn’t answer, but Brian attributed it to a mouthful of lemon bars. He finished putting away the groceries and then turned to look down at his young lover. “How was your meeting with Alex?” He asked, trying to sound nonchalant about it, but the sessions always filled him with curiosity.

“Fine.” Justin answered stiffly after he swallowed a large bite. Sensing the defensiveness in his tone Brian was prepared to drop it and let it be, but to his surprise Justin continued. “We talked…” He murmured, as if he would be doing anything else with a psychologist. “About prom.” He finally finished and Brian stiffened.

“What about it?” He asked, feeling his heart rate pick up and his breathing quicken. He felt on edge all of a sudden, as if danger was around the corner. In his mind’s eye he could see the swing of the bat and quickly shook his head to clear himself of those horrid thoughts. Justin was alive, right in front of him.

“When Rikert and Stockwell had me, I remembered what happened.” Justin admitted, his gaze firmly on the coloring book in front of him. “I remembered everything. You walking up to me, and asking me to dance. You leading me onto the dance floor while everyone made room for us. Spinning…So much spinning. And feeling lighter than air. I felt…I felt like everything I’d ever wished for had come true.”

Brian’s eyes were staring intently down at Justin, but still the blond refused to look up at him. He didn’t know how he was supposed to react to Justin recounting what had happened.  His mind suddenly felt blank and his body numb.

“Then I remember going to the parking lot with you. We were singing, and you kept dancing with me all the way to the Jeep.”

As he spoke Brian recalled that night with perfectly clarity. He could envision every detail of the parking garage. He could see the cracks on the concrete pillars, and the strips of tar on the ground covering up potholes. He could remember exactly how it smelled, and how thick the air was. He could see it just as well as if he were still there.

“I remember Hobbs, too. I turned when you called my name, and I saw him. And then…I woke up.” Justin finished, and finally he looked up at Brian.

He still didn’t know what to say. He had thought that only one of them had to live with the horrendous memories of that night – it wasn’t fair that they both had to. On the other hand…dancing with Justin was one of the most cherished memories he had and he never wanted to forget it. Now Justin didn’t have to either.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, his tone even. He still didn’t know what he was supposed to do or say. But it had been three weeks since he remembered and Justin was only now telling him?

“I didn’t know how. Alex kept telling me to, to give both of us closure about that night but…I only just got to remember it. I had to… _deal_ with it all, before I told you that I knew. I’m sorry if you’re angry. But I needed to know how I felt before seeing how you’d react.” Justin explained, and Brian shook his head slowly, his gaze now falling to the countertop.

“I’m not angry.” He assured, but his voice was flat and low. Justin was the one who was attacked, he had every right to handle the memories his own way. But he couldn’t help but feel like he had a right to know these kinds of things. His life changed that night too – irrevocably.

After a few seconds of silence Brian looked back up and saw Justin staring at him. His blue eyes were wide, and vulnerable, and he couldn’t find it in himself to be anything but understanding. He walked out from around the island and spun Justin’s chair. He then took his good hand and pulled him to his feet. Justin was pliant and followed his lead, a curious look on his face.

When Brian started swaying them back and forth a small smile formed on Justin’s face. He placed a hand on Justin’s side and danced to a song in his head. It wasn’t as grand as Justin’s prom, but it was comforting because he could feel Justin in his arms – alive and well. And really that was all that mattered. 

* * *

Returning to duty was a relief to Carl.  For the past few weeks all he'd been doing was sitting and itching to be productive again.  He had once cursed his desk as a prison, but after a few weeks of recovery he wanted nothing more than to be sitting behind it again and doing what he did best.  As soon as he walked into the precinct he was welcomed by pats on the back and a round of applause from his fellow officers.  He smiled and waved at them but didn't linger long before getting to his office.  He looked at his desk with a smile and didn't hesitate to sit behind it.

He took in a deep breath of satisfaction.  Before he could settle in too much, however, he had work to do.  He booted up his computer and accessed the police department's intranet in order to find out who was in charge of Rikert's case.  He, as one of his victims, was not allowed to take part in it - nor was he allowed to have access to the case files.  However, he needed to know what was going on with the case.  So, he got the evidence number and left his office as quickly as he had arrived.  He went down to the evidence lock up and saw the officer on duty was a young, fresh-faced uniform standing behind the counter.  "I need the files for 682046."  He announced, grabbing the clipboard and writing his name out on it.  Had the officer been around longer, he probably would have realized who he was and that he shouldn't be withdrawing the files.  As it was, the kid turned and got the box of files just as he'd asked.

Carl only had to wait for a few minutes before it was placed in front of him and he took it back to his office before anyone else could see and wonder what he was doing.  He shut his office door, drew the blinds, and then popped open the box.  Most of the files in the box were secretarial in nature.  There was Rikert's personal file, now it was a piece of evidence as he was no longer a part of the department.  There was photos of the warehouse they had kept Justin, as well as pictures of all of his victims, including an autopsy of Stockwell.  He wasn't really interested in any of that, as there was nothing in there that he didn't know about already.  He dug deeper into the box and then came across what he wanted - Rikert's interrogation.

He pulled out the DVD and then popped it into his computer to see what the man had to say for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if Brian is a little OOC these last few chapters. I'm trying not to make it over the top, however, I also want to highlight the differences in how they behave now because of the events of this story. As Brian said to Michael, it's pointless pretending there's nothing there between them. But don't worry, he isn't about to go declaring his undying love...it just might be a little easier for him to SHOW what he's feeling. ;) I hope it isn't too much. Let me know! Thank you!


	20. Chapter 20

“How come you never order your own?”  Justin muttered, with a hint of affection, as Brian stole a large piece of orange chicken from his plate.

“The calories don’t count when I take them from you.”  Brian smirked over at him and Justin simply rolled his eyes.  He used his fork to fend off another attack of Brian’s chopsticks and snagged a piece of chicken for himself.

A movie was playing in the background but neither of them were paying much attention to it as they munched on their dinner and chatted.  Brian was doing most of the talking, telling Justin about the differences in being a partner compared to being an ad exec; mostly how people who were once his peers were now his subordinates – particularly the ones who weren’t handling the transition well.

They were reclining on the futon with the boxes of takeout scattered around them. When they finished eating Justin laid back flat, his head turned towards the TV, though he still wasn’t paying attention to the old movie Brian had put in.

They were silent for some time, but it was comfortable and pleasant.  When Brian suddenly stood and started cleaning up, however, he broke it.  “The guys wanted to meet up at Woody’s tonight.”  He informed and Justin perked up a little.

“Oh?”  He asked with a smile.  “You should go.”  He said, knowing that Brian wouldn’t if he didn’t say he was alright with it.  Despite the progress he’d made Brian was still watching him like a hawk.  It was clear he was still upset about the state he found things in the last time he left Justin alone.  However, Justin knew Woody’s would be too much for him, so he would have to get Brian to leave without him somehow.

“You could come with me.  It’s a Wednesday.  It’s not going to be that busy.”  Brian pointed out, dumping empty boxes into the trash and putting the left overs in the fridge.  “I think they’d all like to see you.  Mikey’s been asking after you.”  He added and Justin laid on his back as he looked up at the ceiling.  He knew Brian was right – Woody’s would probably be close to empty, but nights at Woody’s usually led to Babylon and he didn’t want to go there yet.  Even on a weeknight there would be too many people and too much noise.

“No, I’ll be fine here.  You go though.  I want you to go.”  He said with an honest smile. 

Brian looked at him for a long time before leaning up against the island.  “Alex said you needed to start pushing yourself more.  I think tonight would be a good opportunity.” 

Though Alex  _had_  said that, he also suspected that Brian’s motives had more to do with keeping an eye on him than getting him out of his comfort zone.  “Nothing’s going to happen to me if you go out for a night.”  He stated plainly and evenly, but knew he hit home when Brian’s eyes winced just a bit.  “It’s just a few hours.  I’ll be fine.  I’m fine when you go to work.”  He added, as those were the only times Brian would leave him.

“It’s not the same thing.”  Brian immediately insisted, but when Justin raised an eyebrow to point out he was being unreasonable Brian sighed.  “I left and you ended up in the hospital.  It’s not ridiculous for me to want to be cautious.”  He muttered defensively.

“But now Stockwell’s dead and Rikert is arrested.  No one’s going to come after me.  You deserve a night out.  It’s been weeks since you have.  Go out, find a hot guy and fuck him.  Have some fun.”  He motioned to the door to emphasize his point and Brian looked at him as if to see if he was really going to be alright.

“I could use a good trick…”  Brian smirked a little so Justin chuckled and grabbed his arm.  He tugged him towards the bedroom.

“Then go.  Don’t worry about me.”  Justin assured once again and Brian nodded, clearly having been wanting to go out.  Justin wasn’t going to let him sacrifice anymore for him.  Soon he’d be able to go out as well so it wasn’t an issue, but until then Brian was going to have to get over his fear of leaving him alone.

“If I didn’t know better I’d say you were trying to get rid of me.”  Brian chuckled as he began stripping out of his clothes.

“Never.”  Justin smiled back at him and watched Brian’s toned torso ripple as he reached up to grab a shirt off the hanger.  He felt a little warmth start to spread in his belly. He frowned and stepped back because he didn’t know how to handle the familiar, but long unfelt, feeling of arousal. 

Brian was dressed and out of the loft in a matter of five minutes, leaving Justin to his own devices for the rest of the night.  He tried to ignore that brief arousal that he felt because he wasn’t sure he was ready to have sex again.  He didn’t know what was stopping him – he loved Brian more than anything and  _wanted_  to have sex with him.  However, whenever he thought about being touched that way again something inside of him panicked.

The issue was, he was still turned on.  He was alone in the loft but he still nervously looked around before reaching down into his pants and grabbing his erection.  One mere touch and it flared to life, growing hard and stiff.  He put some lube on his hand and then started to jerk himself off.  He went slowly, as if getting reacquainted with himself.  He leaned forward and pressed his free hand on the wall to support himself.

His hips began to buck as he got more and more into it.  It had been months since he even thought about being touched this way, and now that he was doing it again it felt as if a dam was breaking inside of him.  As he moved his hand faster and faster, his breathing began to pick up as well.  It came in hard puffs and was only interrupted by grunts and moans of pleasure.

Then, far too soon, he came, shooting out into his hand.  He let out one last moan and then fell on his knees as his head cleared.  He remained sitting there, with his hand still on his limp penis, for a few minutes and a small smile started forming on his lips.  It had felt good.

That fear that he felt about sex was beginning to ebb away now that he remembered how good it felt.  He knew that with Brian being the one touching him it would feel exponentially better – and he wanted that touch again.

He slowly stood back up and cleaned himself off in the bathroom.  He couldn’t get the smile off of his face as the endorphins from his climax remained pumping through his body.  However, once he changed into a clean pair of pants, there was a knock at the door which disrupted his happy thoughts.

He paused and approached it carefully.  Despite how far he’d come there was still a long way to go for him to feel completely comfortable around others coming into his safe place again.  He nervously cleared his throat.  “Who is it?”  He called through the metal door.

“Carl.”  Was the almost immediate answer.

Relief flooded him and he unlocked the door without hesitation.  He slid it open for the detective and greeted him with a smile.  “Hey.”  He said, sure his relief was obvious.  He stepped aside to let Carl in and the officer patted him on the shoulder as he walked in.

“How are you doing, Son?”  He asked kindly and Justin shrugged as he slid the door shut.  He locked it up and walked with Carl towards the couch.

“Fine.  Good, actually.”  He said, thinking about what he’d just done.

“Good.  I’m glad I caught you in a good mood.”  Carl said and pulled out something from the inside of his jacket.  Justin eyed it.

“What’s going on?”  He asked carefully.

“Is Brian here?  I think maybe he should be.”  Carl said and Justin felt a bad feeling begin to settle in his stomach.

“No…he went out tonight.  What is that?”  He asked again, coming to stop near the middle of the room.

“Rikert’s interrogation.  I shouldn’t have taken it, but I thought you’d want to see for yourself.”  Carl said, holding the DVD case out to him.  Justin was initially shocked by his words, so it took him a moment to reach out and take it.

“W…”  Justin started and then shook his head as his eyes stared down at the DVD.  “What’s going to happen to him?”  He asked, slowly looking up at the detective again.

Carl smiled a little at the question, which put Justin at ease.  “The judge wanted to make an example out of him.   They rushed the trial and gave him the worst public defender in the system.  He was eaten alive.  He has fifty years, no parole.” 

Justin felt a breath of relief escape him at the news and he smiled.  He hadn’t been expecting it after what had happened with Hobbs.  “That’s great!”  He exclaimed and a brief laugh escaped him. 

Carl smiled some more and nodded in agreement.  “Yeah…He’ll be dead before he ever has a hope of getting out.  So he won’t be bothering you again.”  He assured and Justin couldn’t stop himself from hugging the man.

“Thank you.”  He murmured and Carl embraced him in return.

“Thank the DA.  She’s the one who pushed for the harshest sentence.”  Carl said bashfully, but Justin shook his head.

“No…You saved me.  You’ve done so much for me.”  He insisted and then stepped back to smile up at the man who was becoming more and more like a father to him.

Carl put his hands in his pockets and didn’t seem to know how to handle the praise.  Instead, he cleared his throat and motioned to the DVD.  “I can stay if you want to watch it.”  He offered, and Justin looked back down at it.

“No, it’s okay.  I’ll wait for Brian.”  He said and Carl nodded.

“Alright.  If you’re sure.” Carl didn’t seem to want to leave him alone and Justin resisted the urge to roll his eyes. It seemed like his own paranoia was rubbing off on everyone else.

“I’m sure.” He repeated and set the DVD down on the coffee table. “Besides, you probably have more important things to do than babysit me.” Justin spoke with a smile.

“Well…I thought I might stop by Miss Novotny’s home.” He admitted and Justin raised his eyebrows.

“Oh? Then go. Don’t keep her waiting.” He insisted and even began pushing Carl towards the door.

Carl laughed a bit at Justin’s persistence and then nodded. “Alright. Goodbye, Justin.”

“Bye!” He waved the detective away as he walked down the stairs. Justin was pleased those two seemed so taken with each other. He closed up the door again and then turned and looked at the DVD sitting on the coffee table. He went to the couch and sat on it, staring down at the case, waiting for Brian.

* * *

Brian didn’t get back until nearly two in the morning. It was far earlier than he would have come back a year ago, even on a work night, and Justin was surprised when he heard the loft door rumble open. Brian had more than deserved a long night out, so he assumed the man would take advantage of the opportunity.

He’d fallen asleep on the futon but sat up when he heard him. “Hey, you’re back.” He said through a yawn and Brian smiled in a greeting. Justin sat on his knees and lifted his face up when Brian bent to kiss him. He smelled like sex and booze, but it was oddly comforting. It smelled…normal.

“You should have come, Sunshine. The guys were disappointed.” Brian said as he walked to the bedroom, stripping out of his sweaty clothes. Justin stood, picking up the articles as he followed him.

“You went to Babylon, though.” He pointed out knowingly and Brian nodded.

“Yeah, but we wouldn’t have if you had come.” Now naked, Brian walked into the bathroom to start the shower.

 _‘But then you wouldn’t have had as much fun._ ’ Justin thought, but he didn’t speak it. He sensed that they were just going to circle around the argument, so he didn’t say anything back at all. He dumped the clothes into the hamper and followed him, his eyes avoiding Brian’s body and instead looking only at his face. He still needed to get all of his conflicted sexual feelings straightened out before he even thought about Brian.  He wanted Brian’s touch, that he knew.  But a small bit of that fear was still in the back of his head and he didn’t want anything to hold him back when they came together again.

“Did you have fun?” He asked curiously, speaking a little louder to be heard over the spray of the shower.

“Don’t I always?” Brian answered, a hint of arrogance in his voice.  It only made Justin smile.

“Carl stopped by tonight.” He said, leaning against the sink.  “He brought by a recording of Rikert’s interrogation.  He said he thought I’d like to see it.”  He explained as he turned and looked in the mirror.  Brian’s figure was now blurred by the steam building up and he looked at it with admiring eyes.

“Did you watch it?” Brian asked, his voice echoing from inside the shower stall.

“No. I was waiting for you.”  He turned back around when the shower suddenly turned off and Brian emerged.  The man grabbed a towel and began drying himself off, then he wrapped it around his waist – much to Justin’s relief.

“Well then let’s watch it.” Brian said simply and put on some clothes.

They walked together out of the bedroom and Justin picked up the DVD from the coffee table. Before he could do anything, however, Brian pulled it from his hands and walked to the TV to put it in.  Justin merely sat on the couch, waiting.

The DVD started as soon as Brian hit play and he saw Rikert sitting alone at a table in an interrogation room. It looked like a TV show; the room was darkened except for a bright light shining on Rikert’s face, and it didn’t look particularly clean.  There was another man in there, but his back was to the camera.  Justin knew he wouldn’t know who it was anyways so he didn’t care much if he turned around or not.  Brian walked back to the couch and sat next to him, close enough that they were touching all along their sides.

“Is your name Kenneth William Rikert?” The officer asked.

Kenneth gave him a flat look and rolled his eyes. “Really Jeff?”  He asked, apparently familiar with the officer interrogating him.

“Are you Kenneth William Rikert?” Jeff asked again, his voice hardening just a little and the man sighed.

“Yeah.” He grunted out.

“And you admit, of your own free will, to the murder of James Stockwell?” Jeff asked, and Justin was a little surprised that he stated it so bluntly.

“No.” Kenneth said so calmly it was almost as if someone asked him if he wanted sugar in his coffee, rather than if he’d murdered someone.

“We have two eye witnesses that saw you do it.” Jeff responded, but Kenneth shook his head.

“I did it, yes. But I wasn’t thinking clearly.  I was temporarily insane.”  He claimed and Justin exclaimed immediately.

“What the fuck?! Temporarily insane my ass!”  He howled at the screen so loudly that Brian put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.

“Just watch.” Brian insisted, not having turned away from the screen.

Justin furrowed his brow and glared at the man. “But-.”

“Shut up.” Brian spoke harshly.  Justin stilled a little and realized that Brian really needed to hear what Kenneth said, so he went silent and watched.  During his outburst Jeff must have said something, because Kenneth was speaking again.

“…struck in the head. I was dazed, confused, and worried that Taylor would take my life.”

“You had kidnapped him, and were planning on killing him. Did you expect him to just let you?”  Jeff clearly didn’t have any sympathy for Kenneth.

“When I caught up to them, I saw Jim was going to let him go and I just couldn’t think straight. It was as if I was watching myself do things.  I felt so angry – I was furious.  I remember the things I did, but it didn’t feel like me doing them.” 

Justin watched with his frown still pronounced on his face. Kenneth knew full well what he was doing.  He was trying to cover his tracks, that’s all.

“I shot Jim because I thought that he was betraying us.”

Jeff leaned forward a little at that. “‘Betraying us’?”  He asked and Kenneth nodded.

“We were going to be together.” He answered, his voice growing soft and wistful.  “He was going to leave his wife and we would be together. He was supposed to be mine.”

Justin shook a little as he said that, because he recalled the moment when Kenneth had howled it at him at the warehouse. He clenched his hands together and momentarily looked away from the TV, needing to get the man’s face out of his head.

“You mean that you and Jim had a sexual relationship?” Jeff sounded legitimately shocked at that and Kenneth nodded.

“Yes. We were in love.”  Kenneth claimed and Justin wondered if maybe the man wasn’t a little insane after all.

He recalled what Jim had said to him right before he died. He loved his family, and he didn’t sound as if he had any plans on leaving them for Kenneth.  He enjoyed gay sex – Justin couldn’t blame him for that because who wouldn't? – but he didn’t sound like he was in love with Kenneth. Granted, he’d only exchanged a few words with the man.

“And you killed him because you thought he was going to turn you both in for the murder of Jason Kemp?” Jeff asked evenly.

“He was going to ruin everything. But I didn’t want to kill him.  It just happened.  It wasn’t even his fault – it was that kid, Taylor.”  Kenneth’s voice turned hard and visceral, but Justin didn’t miss that he didn’t answer the question.  Brian seemed more focused on what he said, and his hand on his shoulder tightened. Justin felt himself being pulled closer to the man.  He didn’t resist and leaned against Brian’s side.

“Because he witnessed your murder of Jason.” Jeff urged in order to keep Kenneth talking.

“It was his fault that everything happened. I wanted him to pay, not Jim.”  Kenneth was scowling now and Jeff flipped open the folder and pulled out a piece of paper. He seemed a little disgruntled that Kenneth wouldn’t admit to the murder, but he clearly wasn’t giving up.

“According to Justin’s statement, you licked him. Why would you do that if you hated him so much?”  He asked and Justin shivered, still able to feel the sliminess of the man’s tongue against his skin.

“I wanted him to be afraid. I wanted him to suffer for what he did.”  Kenneth said causing Justin to turn and hide his face in Brian’s side, no longer able to look at the man.  He didn’t ask for Brian to turn it off, however, because he wanted to hear everything Kenneth said.

“So you believe Justin should be responsible for Jim’s death?” Jeff asked and Kenneth nodded incessantly.

“Yes. He’s the guilty one!”  Kenneth exclaimed almost excitedly, as if Jeff had validated what he’d said.

“I see.” Jeff seemed bothered by Kenneth’s shouting, but he reached into the folder and continued without skipping a beat. “Let’s talk about Jason Kemp.” He suggested again, and leaned back in his chair comfortably.

“What about him?” Kenneth asked with a sneer marring his features.

“So the name does mean something to you.” Jeff sounded pleased that he’d gotten that much out of him.

“He was a hustler. Not much of anything, really.” Kenneth muttered and Justin sighed, feeling bad for the kid. Too few people cared about him.

“A hustler that you murdered, correct?” Jeff asked and Kenneth remained silent. “That is what Justin said, right here in his statement.” He pointed back to it and even slid it over for Kenneth to read. “He called the police the night it happened. He saw you through the window of his loft.”

“And where’s the body of this hustler I supposedly killed?” Kenneth asked, his previous mask of nonchalance turning into arrogance. Justin couldn’t see it, but he could hear it in his voice.

“That’s what I’d like for you to tell me.” Jeff responded. “You kidnapped Justin for a reason, didn’t you? Why else would you react so violently to the e-mail he sent unless you were trying to cover your tracks? The Parsons barely survived your assault.” Jeff pointed out and Justin felt a small wave of guilt go through him. He’d practically forgotten about the couple. They had been beaten because of the e-mail  _he_ sent and he hadn’t given them a second thought.

Kenneth remained silent for a few seconds, but his smirk never left his face.  “There’s no crime if there’s no body.  For all you know, he packed up and left town.  How can you say I murdered him when you don’t even know if he’s dead?”  Kenneth asked and Justin suddenly glared, raising his gaze back up to the TV.  He wished that somehow Kenneth could feel how despicable he thought he was.

“You take me for an idiot, Ken?”  Jeff asked and then sighed.  “Unfortunately, you’re right.  We can’t charge you for Jason’s murder.  But, we can charge you with Jim’s.  As well as the assault on the Parsons.  And the kidnapping and attempted murder of Justin Taylor.  And the attempted murder of Carl Horvath.  Anything to say about any of that?”  It was Jeff’s turn to smirk.

Kenneth scowled and looked away.  “Well, thank you for your cooperation.”  Jeff said and picked up the file.  He stood and left the room, and the DVD turned off.

“That’s it?” Justin asked and Brian nodded, patting his back.  “It wasn’t very long.”

“Did he get off?” Brian asked and Justin shook his head.

“Carl said that he got the fifty years. Apparently the judge didn’t buy his insanity claim.”  Justin reported, lifting his head from Brian’s chest.

“Good.” Brian murmured, his voice almost distant.  Justin looked up at his face to see he was still staring at the screen.  Concerned, he used his left hand to turn Brian back to look at him.  They looked into each other’s eyes for a long time before Brian bent and moved as if he was going to kiss him, but he hesitated before he pressed their lips together.  Justin opened his eyes once he realized he wasn’t being kissed and saw the hesitation in Brian’s expression.

His heart skipped a beat because Brian was looking at him the same way he had the night of prom, right when he kissed him outside the Jeep. It was as if he was asking him for permission.  Justin tilted his head up and pressed his lips against Brian’s, giving him his answer.

It wasn’t deep, or passionate, but it was perfect.

Brian didn’t push for more, but Justin didn’t think he would. He never did.  When they broke apart for air Justin just grabbed Brian’s hand and walked with him into the bedroom.  They laid there together, and Brian reached out to him, instead of the other way around.  Justin didn’t know why the interrogation seemed to get to Brian so much, but it clearly bothered him.

“He won’t be able to hurt me.” Justin whispered, unused to being the one to do the comforting.  However, he found he liked the feeling; maybe that was why Brian was so good at it.

Brian let out a puff of a laugh and nodded. “Damn right he won’t.”  They fell into silence then and Justin was almost asleep when Brian spoke again.  “I want you to come next time.  It’s not the same without you.”

“I’ll try…” Justin whispered before sleep claimed him.


	21. Chapter 21

“Ah! Shit, shit, shit, shit! Fuck!” Justin cursed, standing quickly to hold his throbbing hand against his chest. Not a second later Brian darted out of the bedroom, half-dressed for work, and ran to him in the living room. “Fuuuck…Brian! Help!” Justin exclaimed, trying not to let the tears fall, but his hand was throbbing so badly he felt it would be better if it was torn off.

 

“I’m here, I’m here.” Brian assured him and grabbed Justin’s hand. He pulled it away from Justin’s chest to begin forcing it open and relax the muscles. It was a painful process, and to distract himself Justin looked at Brian’s suit. His shirt was only half tucked in, and three of the buttons were undone on his chest, revealing the white tank top he wore underneath. It was always nice looking at any part of Brian, however, the distraction didn’t last long.

 

When Brian pried his hand open he couldn’t stop from crying out, but he managed to bite his lip to stop from all-out screaming. It felt like Brian was stabbing his hand over and over. He didn’t beg for him to stop, knowing that it had to be done. He just hated it - probably less than Brian hated having to do it to him - but he still hated it.

 

He turned from Brian’s suit to their hands. Brian held his wrist in one hand to stop him from trying to pull away. It wasn’t entirely necessary – anymore. He’d often done it in the past and so he didn’t blame Brian for being precautious. The other worked at his hand, massaging deeply into the tissue and pulling at the tendons so they stretched back out.

 

After ten minutes or so the pain began to ebb away. The stabbing turned into a dull ache which he was used to living with. Brian opened and closed his hand a few times, testing the mobility, and then seemed satisfied. Justin very slowly pulled it back away from him, but Brian didn’t let go. He watched in an odd sense of disconnection as his hand slid from Brian’s and fell back to his side. Even afterwards, Brian’s hands remained hovering where they were.

 

“Thanks.” Justin said and Brian almost jumped, like he was getting pulled out of some kind of reverie.

 

Brian flashed him a smile, absently wiped the remnants of Justin’s tears away from his cheeks, and then started walking back to the bedroom. “That’s enough for today, Sunshine.” He said as he walked up the steps.

 

On another day, Justin might have argued. He had wasted weeks on his recovery; he wanted to get better as quickly as he could. But it wasn’t even nine and his hand had already clenched up. Brian was right; it was enough for today. He walked back to close up the coloring book and then meandered into the bedroom. Brian was reaching into the closet for a tie, having corrected his disheveled shirt.

 

Justin smiled a little because Brian looked stunning, as always. Brian then bent to put on his shoes and Justin got a good look at his ass. He smiled even more as he felt that very familiar tingle in his body. He looked down at himself and smirked a bit; two days in a row – apparently his sex drive was coming back to life. He should have known that, with Brian around, it was only a matter of time.

 

Brian straightened back up and adjusted his clothes a final time before grabbing his suit jacket and slinging it over his arm. “I have a meeting tonight.” Brian announced as he walked by him again, towards the kitchen. Justin continued to smile as he turned and followed him. “So I’ll be late.”

 

“It’s fine.” He dismissed easily, knowing now that Brian was a partner there would be even more late nights than before. He understood that Brian worked for the both of them, and he wasn’t going to hold it against him. He sauntered over towards him, though, and wrapped his arms around his neck to pull him in for a deep kiss. Brian didn’t hesitate to drop his things to hold onto him as well, returning the kiss with just as much passion Justin had put into it.

 

Justin pressed his body against Brian’s so he was sure he felt his hard-on. In response, Brian grabbed his hips and pulled them against him, grinding against him very slowly. Knowing Brian had to get to work, Justin pulled away.  Now that he had these feelings again he wanted to take advantage of them right away, but he would have to be satisfied with tonight. “Later.” He said, making it very clear what he meant.

 

Brian’s eyes were smoky with desire and he could see that he was conflicted, clearly wanting to stay to pursue Justin’s re-awakened sexual appetite. Brian nodded carefully and sighed with regret. “Later.” He agreed and let his hands fall from Justin’s sides. “You bet your ass…” He added with one of his patented smirks. Justin chuckled a bit and very gently shoved him towards the door.

 

“Go to work. Don’t want to be late, Mr. Kinney.” He winked and then bent to pick up Brian’s things for him. Brian took them and then walked to the door. Justin watched him hesitate one last time, and then he finally left.

 

Justin looked at the door for a few moments before sighing contently and going back to the couch. Out of habit he grabbed the binoculars and looked out the window. He could look at some of the other apartments, the ones below and above those he usually watched, but he didn’t feel like it. He set the binoculars down and instead turned on the TV to watch something, but that didn’t interest him either.

 

He was itching to do something.

 

He turned and glanced outside, down at the street. He hadn’t ventured out without Brian with him yet, however, he didn’t feel like staying cooped up in the loft all day waiting for Brian to come home and fuck his brains out. The hours would drag with the anticipation.

 

The street wasn’t very busy, so he nodded once in confidence and went to the bedroom to get changed. It was more difficult than usual as his hand was still acting up, but he managed to button up a clean pair of jeans and slip on a shirt. Liberty wasn’t very far away; he could walk there and see Michael’s store.

 

Realizing the idea excited him, he grabbed his only finished coloring book and rolled it up. He wanted to show the man what he’d done with his gift. When he was ready to go he re-set the alarm and then ventured out into the world, alone.

 

* * *

 

Getting to Liberty took longer than he had hoped as he had to stop every once in a while when the sidewalk got too packed. He’d skirt off to the side and allow everyone else to pass, watching them all carefully. He had come a long way with his phobias, but the anxiety was still there in the back of his head.

 

Every step he took he echoed the same litany in his head. ‘Just think of the destination. One step is one foot closer to a safe place.’ When it became too much and he couldn’t keep walking he would count down from a hundred. It was a technique that Alex had taught him to help him focus on something other than his fear. Usually he only had to get to sixty or fifty before he was able to keep moving again.

 

Eventually, the store came into view. When he got there he tugged the door open but immediately came to a stop because Michael was passionately kissing someone.

 

They broke apart when they heard the jingle over the door and turned to him, both of their cheeks red.

 

“Justin!” Michael exclaimed happily. “Hey.” He greeted, clearly a little embarrassed. The other man stepped back as well and looked at him.

 

Justin smiled at them both. “You must be Ben.” He said and gave a wave.

 

“Yes. Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Ben said and Justin knew he was telling the truth because he didn’t even try to shake his hand. Immediately Justin decided that he liked him.

 

“Yeah, I’ve heard a lot about you too.” He said and then finished coming into the store. “Sorry for interrupting. I just wanted to stop by and show you this.” He held up the coloring book to show what he was talking about.

 

 “I can go.” Ben said as he moved to step around Justin, giving him a wide berth, and leave the store.

 

“No, you don’t have to. It’s okay.” Justin tried to insist, not wanting to make him leave.

 

“No it’s fine. I was just about to leave anyways. I have a class.” He said, gave them both a wave, and then left.

 

Justin turned back in to see Michael watching Ben dreamily and snapped to pull him out of it. Michael jumped a little.

 

“Oh, sorry. Have you seen his ass, though? God it’s magnificent.” He leaned over to the side to watch Ben walk by the window and then moved back to his desk.

 

“I haven’t, actually.” Justin said. In fact, he hadn’t even thought to look. Though Ben clearly had a nice body, he wasn’t interested at all. “Here. I wanted to show you this.” He said and set the coloring book on the counter.

 

Michael smiled, excited, and started flipping through it. “Brian said that you really like them.” He commented and Justin nodded.

 

“Yeah. It’s great. I’d never read any comics before so I wasn’t familiar with the art form, but I really enjoy it.” He answered sincerely. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to make Michael understand just how much the gift meant to him, but he could try.  The coloring book seemed like a small gesture, but it reminded him of his passion for art, and that he didn’t have to give it up just because of what happened.

 

“Never? Yet your color choices are perfectly in line with comics. Bold, and bright.” Michael sounded pleased and Justin chuckled a bit.

 

“You sound like a critic.” He teased as he leaned forward on the counter to watch Michael flip through the book.

 

“No, sorry. I mean…you’re the art expert here. It’s just I feel like I’m looking at a real comic, Justin. Not just pictures.” He said and slid the book back to him. “I kind of forgot how good you are at this stuff.”  Michael added carefully, and Justin could see him eye him as if to judge if he shouldn't have said it or not.

 

Justin blushed slightly and nodded his thanks. It was good to hear that his dreams of being an artist weren’t completely dashed. Even if the only person telling him that was Michael, he’d take it.

 

“You know…That actually gives me an idea.” Michael added slowly and Justin flipped through some of the pictures on his own as he nodded, motioning for him to continue. “I’ve wanted to make my own comic for a long time now. But I can’t draw for shit. You can.” He suggested and Justin stilled and looked up slowly.

 

“Michael, coloring some pictures is a lot different than illustrating a book.” He pointed out, unsure of how to take the suggestion.

 

“No, I know. But without even seeing a comic you have the coloring down. I could loan you some books and you can get a feel for the form. I bet it would take you no time at all.” Michael spoke louder, clearly getting more and more excited about the idea. “You said yourself drawing is ninety percent muscle memory. And I’ve read so many that I go do the story-line easily.”

 

Justin looked back down at the book and shrugged a bit. “I wouldn’t mind.” He said quietly, but in his head he knew he wouldn’t be able to do it. Not yet. His hand wasn’t strong enough. He thought about the episode he had that morning and knew that he wouldn’t be able to put up with the strain.

 

As if reading his mind, Michael cleared his throat. “But it can be later. Just think about it, okay? And when your hand is better maybe we can talk about what it would take and brainstorm some ideas.” He suggested and Justin smiled a bit. Michael really did have a big heart.

 

He then nodded. “Yeah, okay.” He said slowly. Silence fell between them then, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. As he collected his book Justin looked up at him again. “I like Ben. He seems nice.” He said and Michael smiled broadly.

 

“You barely even met him.” He pointed out, and Justin shrugged.

 

“He just…feels nice.” He said, wishing he could explain it better. Ever since he started venturing out again he could feel different vibes from people. Some he avoided, some he didn’t mind, and there were some like Ben’s that made him feel safe.

 

“Well I’m glad. He’s great…” Michael’s voice sounded wistful and Justin just laughed.

 

“You’re pathetic.” He teased and Michael nodded.

 

“So? I don’t care. Have you seen him? God he’s so dreamy…” Michael leaned back on his chair and sighed contently.

 

“I’ll leave you to your dreams then. I have to head home.” He said and gave Michael a wave.

 

“Do you want me to go with you?” Michael asked and immediately began moving to follow through, but Justin shook his head.

 

“No. I think I’ll be okay.” He was honest, so Michael nodded and waved.

 

“See ya, Boy Wonder.”

 

“See ya.”

 

* * *

 

Getting home went by a lot faster than getting out. He thought he was more motivated, is all. Not that he regretted leaving, but it was easier for him to hurry home knowing he’d be safe inside, rather than outside where anything could happen. He hoped in time all of these fears he had would disappear, but he knew that even if that did happen it was a long way off.  They might always be there in the back of his mind, but at least now he could overcome them and live his life again.

 

By the time he slid the loft door shut he was practically panting and sweating, but he was finally home and safe. He locked it up and set the alarm. However, before he even got to the bathroom to wash the sweat from him he could hear someone unlocking it from the other side. Confused, he paused and turned around to see who came in.  


To his relief, and surprise, Brian walked in. “You’re back early.” He commented, and Brian smiled at him.  
 

“I couldn’t concentrate. I cancelled my meetings for the rest of the day.” He informed as he rushed inside and approached him. Justin felt his warm hand on his cheek. He flushed under the strong sense of desire he felt from Brian. The same desire was echoed inside of him so he wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck, pulled him into the bedroom and down onto the bed on top of him.

 

“Touch me, Brian. Please…” He whispered into the man’s hear and felt a shudder pulse through Brian’s body.

 

Brian straddled over him and put his hands beneath Justin’s shirt. He ran them up and lifted Justin’s shirt off of him, running his tongue up his sternum as he revealed his pale and pristine skin. Justin closed his eyes, shivering at the familiar touch. He lifted his arms up over his head as the shirt was lifted away from him and then tossed aside and forgotten.

 

His right nipple was caught in Brian’s mouth and gently bit. A gasp escaped him and he arched his back up, pressing up against Brian as he did so. His hands slid up Brian’s back and buried themselves in his hair. He felt Brian’s tongue flick out against him and bit his bottom lip, but was unable to stifle another gasp that escaped him.

 

Brian began kissing up his chest, then his neck, then he caught his lips in a passionate kiss that absolutely cleared all conscious thought from his mind. All he knew was he needed to feel Brian’s skin against his own. So he unbuttoned Brian’s shirt as quickly as he could. Brian helped, shrugging out of it without breaking their kiss. But his tank top was still on and Justin wouldn’t be satisfied until it was done away with. He grabbed the bottom of it and pulled it up over Brian’s head, almost feeling a bit of pain as they had to break away from a split second to get it off.

 

When their lips met again Brian nipped at his bottom lip and Justin opened his mouth, willingly welcoming Brian’s tongue into it. They danced almost, in a familiar way. The kiss was hungry and desperate and nothing like the ones they’ve shared since the night he was attacked.

 

Brian was keeping himself up with one of his hands, but the other was on Justin’s neck with his thumb stroking his cheek as if he were a precious treasure. Justin wrapped his legs up and hooked them behind Brian’s so their hips were flush against each other. He could feel Brian’s cock pressed hard against him and even through their jeans he could feel the heat radiating off of it.

 

Brian broke their kiss off again and Justin found himself gasping for air, not realizing that he hadn’t taken a breath in over a minute. He opened his eyes back up and saw Brian panting just as hard as he was. But there was a soft smile on Brian’s lips.

 

“You’re so beautiful…” Justin whispered through his heavy breathing as he reached a hand up and touched the arch of Brian’s cheek with his fingertips. Brian’s smile turned a bit more tender and he shook his head before bending and kissing Justin again.

 

Justin’s hand trailed down Brian’s face and then his chest. He reached around him to feel the strength of Brian’s muscles. They were tensed as he was still hovering over him, and he could feel the wiry strength that had always been a part of Brian’s appeal. His fingers dipped into the line along the center of his back and then he gripped onto him tightly and thrust his hips up against him again.

 

Without a warning Brian broke apart again and dipped down towards his belly button. He spread Justin’s legs apart so he could settle beneath them. He very carefully unbuttoned his pants and tugged them down, pulling his underwear off with them. Justin felt a brief chill, but it was quickly forgotten when Brian descended and took him into his mouth.

 

“Oh god! Brian!” He exclaimed as he lifted up off the bed as pleasure literally flooded over him. It had been so long since he’d been touched this way and he shook as Brian’s warm and wet mouth took his full length in. His hands searched for purchase on the bed and he clenched the sheets as tightly as he could to stave off his climax for as long as he could.

 

Unable to control himself, his hips bobbed up and down with the movement of Brian’s head. His body undulated up and down as he felt the pleasure overwhelm him. Brian’s mouth was encasing him, and worked his shaft with the practiced perfection only Brian Kinney had.

 

All too soon he could feel his climax coming. He tried to voice his protest, he tried to warn Brian and tell him to stop because he didn’t want it to be over so quickly, but he couldn’t get his mouth to work. He’d lost control of his body and was subject to Brian’s will. A hand was on his hip, holding him down a bit. The other was on his balls, cupping them and rolling them in just the right way.

 

Then, the top of Brian’s tongue ran from the base of his shaft up to the tip and he lost it. He shut his eyes tightly, and cried out as his climax tore from him. Brian had swallowed him again and he shot into his throat.

 

When it was over he panted a bit and shook his head in despair. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry.” He exclaimed and turned away from Brian.

 

“Shhh…Hey. Don’t. You needed that.” Brian assured with an amused tone in his voice. Justin could feel his fingers at his chin and he turned his head to gaze up at him. “Now you’ll last longer for the main event.” He added with a smirk. Then, suddenly, Brian’s face turned serious. “That is if you still want to…”

 

“Of course I do.” Justin was quick to assure and reached up to run his fingers through Brian’s hair once more. “I missed you touching me…I missed touching you.” He added with a small smile.

 

“Good.” Was all Brian said before kissing him again. Justin could taste himself in Brian’s mouth and already he could feel the stirrings of desire burn in him again. He widened his legs, wanting to feel all of Brian pressed against him.

 

“Brian…” Justin murmured dreamily when he needed to break away for air. “Let me touch you.” He urged and pushed Brian back and over to lie on his back. Brian let him, looking rather pleased about it as well.

 

Before moving over him, Justin turned onto his side and ran his fingertips down Brian’s ribs, feeling the bumps, and then down to his abdomen. It felt as if he was discovering Brian’s body for the first time. He stared down at the bronzed skin that was smooth and hard to his touch all at the same time.

 

His hand roamed further down, avoiding Brian’s large, red cock, and moving instead to graze the inside of his thigh. As he did Brian gasped and shuddered. He glanced up to see Brian’s eyes wistfully closed but his lips were rolled into his mouth. Justin felt his heart swell up suddenly and he smiled.

 

“I love you, Brian.”

 

Brian gasped again and his body jerked. His eyes shot open and looked at him. His mouth opened and closed a few times. “Justin…” He finally managed to get out causing Justin to smile and shake his head, taking pity on him.

 

“It’s okay.” He said, scooting back to reach for a condom on the nightstand. “You don’t have to say it back.” He whispered as he slowly moved back. He opened up the wrapper and locked his gaze with Brian’s. “How about this?” He offered as his straddled over Brian. Brian’s hands came up to his hips, almost as if it was natural. “I’m just going to assume that you love me too until you tell me otherwise. That way you’ll never have to say it, but I’ll still know. Sound fair?” He asked as he rolled the condom onto Brian’s cock.

 

There was a ghost of a smile on Brian’s face. “Sounds fair.” He agreed and Justin beamed. “Oh fuck…” Brian suddenly whispered and Justin blinked a little.

 

“What is it?” He asked curiously.

 

“Your smile. I never thought I’d see it again.” Brian admitted and reached one of his hands up to trace Justin’s lips. “Haven’t seen it since…” He trailed off, but shook his head and shifted a little. His movement pressed the tip of his cock against Justin’s hole and he shivered in anticipation, but didn’t move yet.

 

Justin leaned forward quickly and kissed him again to remind him that he was here, and alive. As they kissed Brian reached a hand down and began preparing him. The other wound behind Justin’s neck and held him close.

 

Suddenly, Justin found himself on his back and Brian was once again hovering over him. “Are you ready?” Brian asked, his voice husky with need.

 

Justin nodded swiftly, his body moving with Brian’s fingers as they went in and out of him. “Yes, please…” He begged, biting the inside of his lip to stifle a moan.

 

Suddenly Brian’s fingers were gone and replaced with his cock and he slowly pressed it inside of him. Justin gasped and shut his eyes tightly, surprised by how big it felt. As if he was reading his mind Brian leaned down and pressed their foreheads together. It felt so familiar and comforting that Justin forgot all about the pain and only thought about Brian – just Brian.

 

One of Brian’s hands found his and their fingers laced together as Brian pushed in a bit more. Justin arched his back, welcoming Brian in with a moan. Slowly and carefully Brian continued the process, pulling back just a little, and then pushing in even deeper. And then, Justin could feel all of him inside.

 

“Oh fuck, Justin…You feel so good.” Brian murmured and Justin could feel his warm breath on his skin.

 

Brian began moving his hips again and Justin moved his body in time with his. They rocked slowly together, each savoring the feeling of their bodies once again being in sync. “Brian, please don’t stop, please. God, please.” Justin murmured somewhat incoherently. His eyes were shut tightly.

 

Brian began moving faster, and moved his knees underneath him so he could get a better angle. Justin cried out as that angle pressed Brian’s cock right on that spot. “Oh fuck!” He moaned and his head pressed back against the mattress as Brian kept hitting it right on.

 

Justin could tell when Brian was getting close, as his thrusts became more erratic and forceful. That, and the low grunts Brian let loose with every thrust let him know that he was about to climax. Justin could feel his own growing inside of him as well. Brian didn’t even have to touch his cock and he was close. He wrapped an arm around Brian’s neck and held on tightly as his body rocked with Brian’s.

 

His breaths came out in hard puffs and he felt heat begin to spread over his entire body. Then, his second climax ripped through him and his body clenched up. All he was able to do was hold onto Brian and trust that Brian would do the rest. He could feel a few more thrusts before a warmth filled him inside and he knew Brian had come as well.

 

“Justin…”

 

He couldn’t answer. He couldn’t think. Brian had actually fucked his brains out.

 

“Justin.”

 

He sounded a bit more insistent this time but still Justin couldn’t mutter an answer.

 

“Hey! Are you okay?”

 

‘Oh shit. He’s actually worried.’ Justin thought and managed to open his eyes to see Brian hovering over him. He didn’t remember falling back onto the bed and realized he might have actually passed out. “I’m okay.” He assured and chuckled a bit. “Of course I’m okay. That was…amazing.”

 

Brian smirked a little and rolled his eyes. “Well obviously.”

 

“Yeah, obviously.” Justin teased, shifting on the bed and finding a pillow to rest his head on. Brian moved as well, reaching over to grab a cigarette and lighter. He laid back and looked up at the ceiling. Justin took it as Brian passed it over to him and took a long drag from it before handing it back.

 

They laid there in silence for a few minutes and Justin's mind wandered.  He wondered what was going to happen to him in the future. Clearly he wasn’t going to kill himself, and there was no institute looming over his head, but he didn’t really know what that meant for him. He turned his head to watch Brian make smoke rings; they floated up towards the ceiling and were mesmerizing.

 

“What happens now?” He asked suddenly, needing to have some kind of direction in his life.

 

“Well, in about five minutes I was going to fuck you again.” Brian said and even looking at him from the side Justin could see the slight upturn of Brian’s lips.

 

Justin rolled his eyes affectionately, but then shook his head. “No I mean…Later. Tomorrow. The next day. What happens?”

 

“Whatever you want.” Brian answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. And Justin wondered if maybe he was making it more complicated than it needed to be. But for months he had been certain that he had no future; now that he did, he wanted to make the most of it.

 

“I want to go to school.” He declared and Brian shrugged.

 

“I’ll call PIFA. I’m sure for the right amount we can get you back in.” Brian assured, handing him back the cigarette, but Justin rejected it with a shake of his head.

 

“Not PIFA. Somewhere else.” He informed and Brian stilled and very slowly turned to look at him.

 

“Not PIFA? A year ago you wouldn’t fucking shut up about the place, and now you don’t want to go? I can get a spot open for you, Justin. If this is about you not thinking your hand can handle it-.”

 

“No, it’s not that.” Justin sat up and looked down at Brian, taking a moment to choose his words carefully. “They kicked me out. When I was at my lowest they just dropped me without warning. They didn’t even give me a chance to get better. They didn’t care. I don’t want to go to a school run by people like that. It’s not like I’m saying I want to quit art, of course I don’t want that. But before – last year – I was certain that the only way to be an artist was to go there. But that’s not true.” Justin said, reaching over to the drawer in the nightstand to pull out the comic coloring book.

 

“This is art too. And I really like it. Michael said we could make our own comic book. That would be a lot of fun. We could sell it at his store. We could do whatever we wanted.” He said and watched Brian sit up as well. Brian reached out for the book and flipped through the pages as if he was appraising the quality.

 

“So you want to make a comic book?” He asked and Justin shrugged.

 

“Yeah. Maybe. Once my hand is stronger. I told Michael that I needed some time. It will be a lot harder than coloring pictures.” He said as if Brian wasn’t intimately aware of what condition his hand was in.

 

“Yeah, but you can do it. What about school?” He asked and Justin shrugged a little.

 

“Maybe I could go to Melon or something. They have an art department there. And I could take other classes too. Business classes or something, if the comic book goes anywhere then I’d need to have some idea of what to do.” Justin was painfully aware of the irony of what he was saying, but he watched Brian’s face carefully and the man didn’t give anything away. Justin waited, knowing that Brian was considering all the pros and cons.

 

“That’s not a bad idea, Sunshine.” Brian spoke after what felt like an eternity. “Michael’s professor boyfriend works there too. We could talk to him about admittance.” He added and Justin smiled a little. “What about your…people problem?” Brian asked carefully and Justin shrugged.

 

“I’m getting better. I went outside without you there and I didn’t have a panic attack.” Justin purposefully left out the parts where he had to stop for minutes at a time and ducked out of the flow of traffic to preserve his sanity. “It’s not like I can start tomorrow anyways. It’ll take time to get in.  By the time I actually start classes I should be good as new.”

 

Brian glanced up from the book then and caught his eye. Justin still wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but he was certain he saw some pride in there. “Sounds like you got it all figured out.” He commented and Justin shrugged once more.

 

“We’ll see. I might change my mind.” He admitted and Brian just chuckled a bit.

 

“Worry about all that later and come take care of this problem I’m having.” He insisted and tugged Justin closer. Justin could feel Brian’s cock, hard and ready again. He pressed a kiss to the side of his mouth and then moved down to his shaft. Brian was right – the future could wait.  Right now, they were together and that was all he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is it folks. The last chapter. I want to thank you all for being so supportive in this story and I hope you enjoyed it!


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